Date:Mon May 5 08:15:17 PDT 2003
Location: home
Music: none
QOTD:
Mood: crushed
R.I.P. dhog. http://unauthorised.org/dhog/index.html
David Hogan, a.k.a. dhog did a very stupid thing and mixed his
drugs and alcohol.
I found out last night when my friend Edwin called me.
I spent the night sobbing that he's gone.
David moved to the Bay Area around the same time that PeeWee
and I moved here, and we met when David sent out a request to
the sfgoth list for a ride to Convergence III.
Someone else ended up giving him a lift, but we'd promised
we'd find each other in the crowd since we were both new to
the area.
It was at C3 that PeeWee also got to know and love dhog, because
dhog is the man who created 9wm, which PeeWee had used extensively.
Both being linux geeks, they bonded immediately.
We all started hanging out, and then we met Blark and Danyeke.
All of us lived in San Mateo/Foster City so we began carpooling
to the clubs. On a particularly drunken night, I declared us
to be the "Suburban Hell fucking Crew", which the group adopted
as our official name, and reminded me of this later on after I'd
sobered. Much giggling and drunkenness and fun ensued between all
of us.
At one point, we got David so drunk that he puked on our floor.
PeeWee, being in full fan-boy mode, wrote to our Cabal back in
Michigan about this, and just short of holding up the puke for
all to see, declared lovingly, "dhog puked on our floor!"
He was so glad to know dhog - a linux genius and idol, very
shy and polite yet sick and twisted like the rest of us.
When dhog moved to New Jersey for a job that basically bowed
down and begged him, and offered him LOTS of money, I was very
sad to see him go. I hung out with dhog until he left. He needed
extra cash to get started, so I bought up a bunch of his furniture
for over $200. PeeWee, I, and now Badger, still have dhog's
furniture items.
Last night while Badger and I sat in our new apartment chatting,
the topic of a bookshelf I'd given Badger came up, and I launched
into the history of how I got it from dhog, and the topic turned
into reminiscing about dhog himself. The last time I saw David
was July 13, 2002 when he returned to the Bay Area for a friend's
wedding. I drove down to Santa Cruz where dhog was staying and
we hung out, and I dropped him off at the wedding.
The last thing I said to Badger last night was that I worry about
dhog.
That was around 8:30pm last night.
Badger drove me back to my apartment in San Jose, which I'm not
moved out of (we only moved Badger this weekend), and that's
when Edwin called me with the news. So I found out around 9:30
or 10pm last night. Edwin sent me the mail which That Cliff
had sent him around midnight east coast time, saying he'd found
out about an hour ago...which would have been 11pm east coast
time, and around 8pm our time, during the time when I was
reminiscing about dhog.........
The only picture I ever took of dhog is the one above, but
more pix are here:
http://unauthorised.org/dhog/photos.html
http://www.peckish.org/pixgnic97/pages/gothnc28_jpg.htm
Date: Mon May 5 21:00:51 PDT 2003
Location: night job
Music: none
QOTD: *** zept is now known as UncleZept
<UncleZept> heh heh heh
<JulAnn> u like that, huh?
<JulAnn> ur our token female transgendered person.
<UncleZept> kewl >:)
Mood: bleh.
Catching up once again.
I gave notice to my landlady around the 25th I think. Just a
hand-written note. Stupid me. I shoulda photocopied it. Oh well...
On Tuesday, April 29th, my bf and I panicked and finally realized
we should NOT have signed a lease at that apartment complex.
Why?
It was the toxic waste dump cleanup, the construction
ongoing on either side of the property, the construction
of another property right across the street, the fact
that all the reviews for that apartment say how much cable
and DSL suck, the fact that it was confirmed by my DSL provider
that service was going to be molassas if available at all in
that area, the fact that we would have to pay at least $30/mo for
water and garbage when no one else charges for it (see toxic
waste dump issue above), the fact that they're going to start
replacing siding and windows in May and that will last til possibly
November, the fact that i read a complaint about another
prometheus property that underwent renovations and how
they only care about how they look on the market, rather
than caring for their tenants....
So we got our money back - I told them Badger was about to
be laid-off, which is true. They didn't want that and so it was
no hassle - looked like they were glad to be rid of a potential
"issue", and freaks on top of it...
Badge and I talked about why we didn't stop ourselves sooner.
We talked about why I took him to the brink of vetoing the
apartment, but then relented and signed the lease anyway.
We talked everything out calmly - inquisitively, and promised
to monitor this in the future, since our communication is usually
perfect.
Then again, we are smack in the middle of a Mercury Retrograde.
So we prepared to have him move in with me in my dinky 630sq foot
apartment with the crazy landlady and her 2 barking dogs and loud
voice and loud daughter, and the deaf guy downstairs who keeps
his television cranked to eleven...
and the lawn maintenance guys with their old style leaf blowers
that put out enough decibles to make ME deaf only after going
stark raving mad, first.
Needless to say, Badge and I were depressed.
Moving day was scheduled for my bf on Saturday.
On Thursday morning, I woke up and my back promptly went out..AGAIN.
This is the third time since January.
I went to urgent care after work (had to call in sick to the
night job), and all they could do was prescribe me more muscle
relaxers and pain killers, and refer me back to my primary doc.
So I went home and promptly ingested the drugs, and went to bed.
Friday morning, I awoke from a strange dream...
My sister and I were at a club and she started feeling sick
and began puking everywhere. Then, we were at the doctor's
office and she was still puking.
Her boyfriend and I, and the family were in the waiting room,
and my sister came out of the clinic room and came to sit back
down with us in the waiting room. She was miserable from puking.
Her boyfriend sat at the end of the couch and I sat next to him.
There was a tan/brown coffee table in front of us. I immediately
got up as soon as my sister came to the couch, cuz I knew she'd
want her boyfriend to hold her.
She was making whimper noises from being in pain and I felt bad
for her.
I woke up thinking, "the puking is at the beginning of pregnancy,
not the end!" (because my sister is 9 months pregnant).
As seen on IRC on Friday, May 2, 2003 around 7:19am:
<WRAY> heather is experiencing some contractions.
might be going to the hospital soon.
<JulAnn> doh!!!
<Pwe> aha.
* Pwe sees.
<Jace> Pwe: up early
* zept awakens
<zept> when was heather contracting?
<zept> i just woke up from dreams of heather
<zept> we were at a club and she started feeling sick and
began puking everywhere
<zept> next, we were at the doctor's office and she was
still puking.
<zept> i woke up thinking, the puking is at the beginning
of pregnancy, not the end!
<Jace> Getting pregnant sounds so ... wonderful.
<zept> yeah.
<zept> which is why i have tocophobia.
<Pwe> tacophobia?
<zept> :p[
<zept> er :p~ even
<zept> jace: http://www.panphobia.com/actions/tocophobia.htm
We didn't hear from Pico for the rest of the day. We began
pacing the Internet waiting room. At one point, Zerby declared
he might go mad from the anticipation.
They are after all the two youngest in our Cabal. My sister is
the youngest from my world, and Pico is the youngest from the
SCC's world, and our two worlds met when PeeWee and I had hooked
up, and then Pico met Dux and well.. we're like older protective
siblings over Pico and Dux. So we paced as it were online all
day long.
Around 11am, I went to my primary doc, who wrote me up to go get
x-rayed to see if it's muscle or bone or nerve or what kind of
issue going on in my back.
I haven't had time to do that yet.
I took muscle relaxers and pain killers all day on Friday, then
I drove up to my bf's house that evening. I still hadn't heard
from my sister.
On Saturday morning, I could stand it no longer, and I phoned up
her Grandpa. Grandma Brown was there and answered, and she told
me that the baby had been born the night before.
I pictured Dux and Pico being supremely exhausted and I
understood that Pico might not have had time to call anyone in
the Cabal as he had originally set out to try to do. I wondered
if he'd been frustrated over this, or if he had no time at all
to think about anything else.
I got the birth details and immediately phoned up someone in the
Cabal to spread the word for me, since I did not have Internet
access.
So, all day Saturday, I helped my bf clean up his place to move out.
He and his friends packed up the moving van, and while they did
that, one of our friends and I made a couple of trips back and
forth to an apartment complex down the road from where my bf was
packing his life into a truck.
We waited for the complex to open (we were early the first time).
Badge and I had already been there twice before, and had declared
that place 2nd on our list of apartment complexes we desired to
live in. The 2 bedrooms had a special on one unit for $1295/mo -
i think it's 955sq ft. I wanted to know if it was still available,
and see how far I could carry things on very short notice.
Well, it was still available. So Badge and I filled out applications
and we passed the credit check within an hour. I asked if they needed
to do anything else, like verify our previous residences...they said
no, they didn't think so....the advantage was ours because the place
is staffed with temps right now who don't know what all to do.
So they allowed us to sign a lease - we made sure it was in writing
that the rent was at that rate for a full year - yes. We made sure
there was no pet rent and that it was in writing that there was only
a pet deposit.
We made sure we really were allowed to move in that day and that it
was comitted in writing.
And so, instead of hauling the truck down to my place, we drove
a few blocks and moved into a newly painted and carpeted place
just off the beach to the Bay!
Now I ask you....
Why is it, after one has been to an apartment complex, and to a
specific unit in that apartment complex, a total of four different
times, at varying times of the day.... WHY is it that the noisy
neighbors and nasty smells in the hallway and grocery carts in
the hallways ARE NOT PRESENT until one moves INTO that very unit?
WHY?
At least the downstairs neighbors don't blast their house music
or hip-hop crap continuously for 12 hours at a time. Well...YET
anyway.
At least they stop whooping and hollering at their TV by 11pm.
The grocery carts in the hallway are from residents who go up
the elevator with a cart full of groceries and then are too
lazy to take the empty cart back downstairs, so they leave the
freaking cart right outside their door.
I've been told that the grocery carts stay on the premises and
are a way of life for the residents there, bugger the fact that
they're *stolen* from the local grocery stores.
So ... ok fine. We adjusted to this paradigm. We used the
grocery carts to haul boxes and crap into the elevator and
up to our apartment.
It sucks that we don't have private entrance - everyone enters
their apartments from a shared indoor hallway.
Oh, and we found out after the fact - our fault - that there
is only one assigned parking spot and everyone else has to
park on the street, which has limited parking hours OR BE TOWED.
Fucking lovely.
So I walk a few blocks to get to my goddamned house.
It seems that no matter where we want to live in this goddamned
steenking Bay Area, there is SOME kind of major nuisance involved.
So far though, it seems all right despite the grocery cart thing
and the parking thing. Time will tell.
And if Badge gets laid-off, well he can still make rent cuz
we did a budget sheet for it already. That's why we made sure
not to go over $1300/mo rent. He'll qualify for the max amount
of unemployment benefits and all will be good.
But hopefully he will be hired away by another company before
this one lays him off.
One more thing....
Grandma isn't doing well. She had one round in the hospital,
one round in physical therapy, and then the doctors stuck her
in a nursing home for a few weeks. Nothing is making her
better. Threats and even placing her in a nursing home didn't
work. She's tired of trying to breathe with her CHF issue.
Finally this past weekend, the doctors allowed her to go
back home. The family is all assembling down in Florida to
be with her. She has nine kids, my mom is one of them. My
mom drove down with her sisters-in-law this morning, and
she'll be there all week.
My uncle - my mom's brother - said that grandma nearly leapt
out of bed when she heard my mom was coming down to see her.
I told my mom "see? she's getting better already cuz you finally
got off yer ass to go down there." My mom giggled.
We both know this will be the last visit.
I visited grandma last April and she was not so much better.
She was in the hospital the whole time I was down there; same
thing - trouble breathing and moving around with the CHF.
I'm preparing to leave at a moment's notice, even though I now
do not have the money for it. I'll use the one credit card I
have - fuckit - this is family.
So, to recap, in one week I got an apartment, gave up the
apartment, got my money back, threw out my back, paced around
waiting for my sister to give birth and hoping she was ok and
feeling guilty for not being there...helped my boyfriend move
into another apartment, continued working 2 jobs, found out
I'd lost a friend and in the same day, earlier on, got news
that I'm losing my grandmother.
I fucking hate Mercury Retrogrades.
I'm numb. That's where I'm at since lunchtime today.
Numb.
Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 23:50:30 -0400
Location: email...my friend dogboy ^,,^
Music:
QOTD:
Mood:
From: "^,,^"
i am heartbroken to hear of the death of that fine man.
we were both dogs, he by fluke of name - me by fluke of nature.
we both wore skirts, his far shorter but then he had by far the better
legs for it.
david represented, and will forever represent to me, everything that
was good about goth. He certainly recognized what was dark and confronted
it unflinchingly, and with remarkable insight and humor. He also saw
what was good and delicious in life, and confronted that too with the
same way.
in this our dhog was the antithesis of the recent generation (now
generations, they flag out fast) of post marilyn manson mall children.
those pert snots who apparently miss the point entirely and believe
that being goth means nothing more than a hairdo and nail polish
punctuated with endless snarling, rudeness. hosiery and posiery.
blah.
i need not tell anyone who ever spent a night in the same poorly lit
basement club as brother David that he was unflaggingly polite and
generous, a man of unswerving dignity and, though the word would
embarrass his native humility, a man of true compassion.
i spent many nights in such clubs with such a man. and i mourn his
loss for a thousand selfish little reasons.
he was my friend.
Date: Fri May 9 09:04:56 PDT 2003
Location: day job
Music: naked - assemblage23 (playing in my head)
QOTD:
Mood: bleh
Today's the big day - last minute prep and last day of work before
I fly out with my boyfriend to Kentucky.
United Airlines found me real cheap tickets and have been very
accomodating to my situation - no other airlines have been nice
at all and Southwest doesn't even offer bereavement. Fuckwads.
Anyway, we're flying into Lexington. My brother is driving down
from Michigan and will pick us up in Lexington. His wife found
a motel $20 cheaper per night than the one my aunt found. Even
though my aunt has reserved the entire motel for family (and it
WILL fill to capacity), I decided to stay in the hotel my bro
and his wife found, just up the street. We're all hurtin for
money so any saved is good. Grandma would prefer it. Hell, she's
probably cursing us for going through all the trouble NOW that
she's gone, instead of making time when she was alive. She was
always very possessive and vocal about wanting her large family
around her often. But most of the family is in Michigan, now,
and so it was difficult to come see her. She understood but
still got bitter over it at times. Michigan was too cold for
her. Florida was too stormy for her.
She really just wanted to be back on the family farm just outside
of Barbourville, Kentucky. But her eldest daughter, who took care
of grandma ever since grandpa died in 1989, did not want to live
in Kentucky. So grandma went to Florida where her two eldest
daughters live, and went to live with her eldest daughter.
My maternal family is HUGE. They breed like rabbits. And they're
Appalachian, so family ties and loyalty and sense of duty is super
strong. I by my very relation to these people carry these traits
within myself (EXCEPT THE BREEDING PART!!!), even though I fled
the Midwest and tried to flee my Southern roots.
Again, it's like the movie Big Eden. Forget that it was a feel-good
gay movie. The whole idea that you are family and that you are not
allowed to lose your loyalty or sense of duty - your family simply
won't let you and it's bred into you like genetic memory - too strong
to sever....that's what I got out of Big Eden. And that's how it is
with Southern people. I'm sure it's that way with a lot of families,
hell I don't know. All I know is what my family is about.
Ever read The Witching Hour by Anne Rice?
Same family duty. Same loyalty. Even if one is really extended
family. It's just the way it is with Southern families.
My boyfriend has no idea what he's in for, yet is committed to
being there for me. He does not have family loyalty or respect
or duty - he says he envies me for what I have - I say I envy
him for what he has. ;)
But the very fact that he's committed to being there for me and
going to Kentucky with me - it shows that he is One Of Us so to
speak.
And that's another thing with Southern people. They always know
when even an outsider is really One Of Us, and then the family
gets extended once again. That's why my whole family asked me
as one of their first questions, "Is Badger coming along, too?"
If they didn't trust him, if they considered him an outsider,
they wouldn't have bothered to ask.
I'm eager and excited to make the trip to see everyone, yet
terrified at the same time. My ears bleed and I foam at the
mouth when I hear country music. I can't stand Christians.
And yet, I'm walking into the very heart of it all.
God fearin country. Hoe-downs. Heritage days. Meat an potatoes.
But...it's my family.
---------
Virgo Horoscope
Fri May 9, 2003 by Astrocenter.com
You may feel stuck in the middle of a difficult position in
which you are extremely indecisive and insecure, dear Virgo.
Your energy may be drawn in one direction while your
self-confidence is being pulled in the completely opposite
direction. This dilemma has to do with your inability to
integrate different aspects of your life that you may try
to keep separated. Try to look at things in terms of the whole,
and notice how your actions in one part of your life have a
tremendous rippling effect everywhere else.