Date: Sat Feb 1 07:25:27 PST 2003
Location: home
Music: none
QOTD: "A contingency for the space shuttle has been declared," - Mission Control
Mood: great.
"There is no information at this time..."
"There is no official word..."
"We don't know for a fact that the Apollo...er...the shuttle
has exploded..."
"NASA lost contact at around 9 a.m., about 16 minutes before its
scheduled landing at Kennedy Space Center "
Ok there ah...we're just gonna go and SAY there was a tragedy, ok? But ah,
there's no OFFICIAL word. But ah, for the sake of NEWS REPORTING, we're
just gonna go ahead and ah, start interviewing people over there in ah,
Texas, about what they saw in that there ah, sky, ok?
Sir? Can you tell me ah, how you FEEL about those plumes in the sky?
I mean, it's like Challenger all over again, eh?
"Mr. Meteorologist, can you give us a HUMAN side to your very scientific
report of the tragedy as you saw it unfold in the sky this morning?"
"Inside Mission Control, flight controllers hovered in front of
their computers, staring at the screens. The wives, husbands and
children of the astronauts who had been waiting at the landing strip
were gathered together by NASA and taken to secluded place."
"Just in the past week, NASA observed the anniversary of its only
two other space tragedies, the Challenger explosion, which killed
all seven astronauts on board, and the Apollo space craft fire
that killed three on Jan. 27, 1967."
Space shuttle Columbia commander Rick Husband, right, and pilot
William McCool lead the way out of crew headquarters followed by,
second row, mission specialists Kalpana Chawla and Laurel Clark,
third row, Israeli astronaut payload specialist Ilan Ramon, mission
specialists Michael Anderson and David Brown as they make the trip
to the pad for their scheduled launch Thursday Jan. 16, 2003 at
Cape Canaveral, Fla. Columbia was over north-central Texas when
mission control lost contact and tracking data, Saturday,
Feb. 1, 2003. (AP Photo/Peter Cosgrove)
My own personal thoughts on the issue as the news reports blared
off my alarm clock as I woke to get ready for bicycling a 35 mile
ride this morning?
"Mrrrrphh. Need Another Seven Astronauts", I mumbled, as I flashed
back in my head to the memory of the week following the last
Challenger explosion when the kids in my school found such heartless
phrases to use to talk about the situation.
And I flashed back to Tuesday, Jan. 28, 1986 in Science class in
ninth grade as the announcement was made over the intercom that the
Challenger had just exploded.
How do I feel now?
eh, whatever. really sucks for the families.
As heard on the radio just now, "they are heroes...they will now
be remembered a bit more than they would have had this not happened."
"OH WELL THAT'S REAL COMFORTING (to the families)" I yelled aloud as
I marched over to the radio and shut it off for good.
You know, I fucking hate the media. Now this story's gonna be plastared
all over the goddamned Internet, radio and television for WEEKS, repeating
phrases, bad analogies and rerunning file footage over and over and OVER
again.
Kill the media.
Date: Mon Feb 3 13:36:11 PST 2003
Location: home
Music: 89.7fm KFJC
QOTD:
Mood: annoyed
Today I went to the kitchen cupboard to get some cereal for breakfast
and I found a new colony of ants hanging out.
The same thing happened last week, only the box of cereal was like a
month old, so I thought the ants were from the last time I had waged
ant genocide.
Not so. Apparently, the ants are coming through the walls into the
cupboards and helping themselves to my cereal, and this time, my new
bottle of syrup, too. I swear, they found a way to get UNDER the cap
and inside the goddamned bottle of syrup. Motherfuckers.
In related news, I found four spiders over the course of the past month
in my apartment - pre-shriveled and crusty. I'm not sure if my cats
played with them to death or they fell from the light fixtures or what.
The fucking spiders are as big as my thumbnail to the thumb joint and
are golden and fuzzy. Intimidating-looking motherfuckers.
So I've been shaking out my clothes and bedding every fucking day - even
my bathrobe I shake out when I get out of the shower. It's annoying as
all fuck.
I collected one in a jar and handed it to the landlady, who had an
exterminator out. She told me today that the spider was identified as
a garden spider, and that it's not poisonous and it eats insects.
So ok, the spider holes have all been blocked from outside says the
landlady, and I don't have to worry about the critters anymore. But
there's still the ant problem, which is driving me fucking insane.
I've moved every year, sometimes twice a year, since I came to the
Bay Area in 1997. The reasons thus far have been:
#1 Apartment - too small (860sq ft) for me and partner
#2 Apartment - kicked out by ex
#3 Apartment - shared with friend for a month - had to leave cuz she's
just too unsanitary to live with - was bleaching place
down every few days to deal with the stench...
#4 Apartment - neighborhood too trashy (cops called out and near-rioting
on a regular basis), ant infestations, 2 hours each way
commute to/from work
#5 Apartment - psycho housemate slept with my ex before I even moved in,
then proceeded to sleep with every guy she met. Unsanitary
conditions, psycho landlady refused to replace stinky nasty
water heater or fix fist-sized hole in bedroom floor until
I threatened legal action, etc.
#6 Apartment - Rampant ant and spider infestations, deaf decaying man
downstairs blasts TV til 3am several times a week,
landlady and daughter live next door and are very fucking
loud right outside my door every fucking morning, garbage
truck right outside my window slamming 2 dumpsters twice
a week, weed-whacker dudes once a week begin blaring the
motherfucking things at 8:30am and don't stop til 2pm.
It's all just adding up to be too much. Everything.
8 jobs and 6 apartments in 5 years.
I'm going to require hospitalization soon.
Now, I know I'm PMSing. I know life gets to be too much when I'm
PMSing. I have been taking my vitamins like a good monkey.
But last night after I had hung out with friends all day, I couldn't
bear to go to work, so I called in sick. Then I couldnt' bear to go
home, so I drove to the ocean and watched the stars and the waves.
The sky all day yesterday was SO perfect. So blue and clear. I could
see all the way across the Bay perfectly, in detail.
And last night, there were so many visible stars. The sky was clear,
even at the coast. I made my way back over a hill in San Bruno and
parked my car just down the street from where I used to live with my
ex, and just watched the cities and the Bay below. It was all so
beautiful. I could see the traffic on the other side of the Bay and
on the San Mateo bridge. Everything was so clear and sparkly and
pretty.
Except me. All I kept thinking was, "I just want to exist. I don't
want to have to TRY to be anything or make anything of myself. I
just want to BE. I just want to exist. I just want to live in San
Bruno, which I feel is really "home" to me of all the places I've
lived in the Bay Area thus far. I just want to do things that make
me happy on my own time. Why can't I just exist? Why do I have to
work to survive? Why do I have to put myself into a neat labeled
envelope for society and communities? I just want to exist."
The crab and wine festival was excellent for being a free event to
us (a friend who works at a box office gave us several tickets for
free!) and I made two new friends who are friends of a guy we went
to the festival with.
Later, after the festival, we went back to the guy's house and he
and his housemate, who are friends/cow-orkers of mine, were awesome
enough to let me stay at their house for an hour before departing a
few blocks over to meet another set of friends for K'vetsh.
K'vetsh was intimidating and yet fun and I want to go back.
I'm thankful to have had such a great day.
But after K'vetsh, the major introspection started, and I've not
been able to shake it. As I said, it's partially the fault of PMS.
I usually do get near-homicidal at the drop of a pin when PMSing.
It's not fair.
I just want to live as useless and flamboyant a life as Anna Nicole.
Date: Wed Feb 5 09:34:04 PST 2003
Location: home
Music: none
QOTD:
Mood: annoyed
http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=2174773
UN Cover-Up: Guernica Hidden as U.S. Speaks on Iraq
Wed February 5, 2003 11:35 AM ET
UNITED NATIONS (Reuters) - In a bold cover-up, the United Nations on
Wednesday concealed behind a blue cloth and a row of flags the world
body's treasured tapestry of "Guernica," the celebrated Picasso
anti-war masterpiece.
The tapestry hangs outside the U.N. Security Council, where Secretary
of State Colin Powell was presenting the U.S. case that Iraq is
hiding weapons of mass destruction and war may be needed to make
sure it disarms.
But U.N. officials insisted no symbolism was intended in the decision
to hide the tapestry.
The cover and flags were meant only to provide a strong visual clue
to television cameras filming diplomats in the corridor, the officials
said.
Picasso's Guernica commemorates a small Basque village in northern
Spain that was used by Germany for bombing practice for more than
three hours on April 27, 1937.
The raid killed or wounded some 1,600 civilians and left the village
in flames for three days.
That's worse than the last cover-up I remember hearing about:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/1788845.stm
Tuesday, 29 January, 2002, 13:37 GMT
Curtains for semi-nude justice statue
No longer will US Attorney General John Ashcroft appear in public
with a semi-nude statue towering above him.
The US Justice Department has spent $8,000 on curtains to hide
the statue from the cameras.
The female, art-deco "Spirit of Justice" statue, with one breast
exposed, is located on the podium in the department's ornate
Great Hall where news conferences are often held.
One fully-exposed breast protrudes from her toga garment.
Her male counterpart, the "Majesty of Law", is sculpted with
a cloth strategically placed around his waist.
Photographers have gone to great lengths in the past to capture
the scantily-clad female statue in the background as the Justice
Department's top brass addressed the world's press.
Mr Ashcroft has been photographed speaking in front of her
several times since the 11 September attacks.
Hired drapes have previously hung in front of both statues for
formal events, such as President George W Bush's visit to name
the building after assassinated former attorney-general, Robert
Kennedy.
Visual harmony
This was done for "aesthetic" reasons, according to Justice
Department spokesman Shane Hix, who said the drapes provided
a pleasant background for television cameras.
But on Monday the department announced that it had taken a
"cost effective" decision to buy the curtains, which cost
around $2,000 to hire.
ABC News reported that the decision was taken at the request
of the conservative Mr Ashcroft himself.
But Justice Department spokeswoman Barbara Comstock said
Mr Ashcroft knew nothing of the investment.
"He has more important things to worry about than what
appears in the pictures," she said.
The drapes are reported to have been hanging since Monday,
drawing to a close the sport of photographers who infamously
sprawled on the floor to snap the former Attorney General
Edwin Meese holding aloft his report on pornography in front
of the female statue.
But what's worst of all about today's story is that it didn't
even make it to front page of any online news. I found it in
Yahoo Oddly Enough news.
In other annoyances, the fucking weed whackers started up
promptly at 8:30am and even blasting Nirvana's Bleach right
now is not helping...
wait...
ok that's better. I've applied headphones on full blast.
Hopefully last (but worst) annoyance of the day (it's not even
10am yet!): George is indeed being a rat bastard and I will
now eat a handful of naproxen sodium.
12:01pm
http://beta.kpix.com/news/local/2003/02/04/Emergency_Siren_Test_on_Wednesday.html
Local - KPIX/KCBS
Emergency Siren Test on Wednesday
02-04-2003
Updated 2 hours, 1 minute ago
Torie Childs
Emergency sirens will blare across the Bay Area Wednesday -- but it's
only a test.
The noontime blasts will mark the debut of a new alert system designed
to warn people of everything from terrorist attacks to earthquakes
to chemical spills.
The sirens are based in Oakland, Alameda, San Leandro and U.C. Berkeley,
and are expected to be heard across 83 square miles. Tests are scheduled
for the first Wednesday of every month.
In the midwest, sirens alert people to tornadoes.
I heard the sirens testing every month on the first saturday, all my life.
The sirens used to be air raid sirens in the 40's and 50's, and they
were converted over to tornado sirens at some point.
It took my mom YEARS to adapt, she once told me.
It's going to be weird hearing sirens again, especially in light of
the fact that they're meant for their original purpose.
Also
http://beta.kpix.com/news/local/2003/02/05/Bay_Area_Search_for_Shuttle_Debris.html
Bay Area Search for Shuttle Debris
The shuttle may have begun to break up over the Bay Area.
The PIXPage Staff
California is a new focal point as investigators look for answers
in the space shuttle disaster.
Columbia flew over the Bay Area shortly before it disintegrated.
Authorities say any debris found here would have been among the
first pieces to fall off the spacecraft, and therefore could hold
important clues to what went wrong.
Investigators say they have credible reports of wreckage in a number
of Bay Area counties. They won't say specifically where they plan to
search Wednesday, but they will say they will visit sites in Santa
Clara, San Mateo, Marin and Santa Cruz counties.
"We can't be very specific about the locations we're going to be
searching out, because we don't want a bunch of people out searching
for materials," said Leo Kay of the Environmental Protection Agency.
The EPA is joining in the search because of fears that toxic shuttle
fuel may remain on shuttle debris.
If you find something that you think might be related to the shuttle
crash, don't touch it. Instead, contact NASA at 281-483-3388 or send
an email to columbiaimages@nasa.gov.
creepy.
Date: Wed Feb 5 22:56:03 PST 2003
Location: work
Music: Assemblage 23 (in my head)
QOTD: "There is no patch for stupidity" - wray
Mood: depressed monkey
Today's stress centered around the whole tech support department,
which is staffed mostly with contractors. We were told to submit
our resumes ASAP so we could be re-interviewed. Those who don't
SUBMIT as it were will be fired (but that was told to me privately).
An interview was set up for me for Friday. If I pass three magic
interviews, I get hired as a full-timer with all the happy benefits
and the possibility to relocate to Washington to go suck satan's cock,
or *possibly* get severance pay if I choose not to go to Washington.
If I do not pass the three magic interviews, I will still be canned,
albeit a bit later than those who never submitted resumes in a timely
fashion to begin with. Without severance, of course.
So I went for a walk with my cow-orker.
The gist of our conversation can be summed up in a question he posed
to me:
"How strongly do you feel about the whole not working for The Evil
Empire thing? Strongly enough that you will risk not being able to
buy food? [when the unemployment in California ends up dragging on]"
So then I talked to my bf, who said he's considering ALL the options
at this point, including a move to Washington. Which surprised the
hell outta me since he's a hardcore Mac pusher.
Then I talked to my old cabal on IRC, and wray asked "if you went with
mickeysoft and it didn't work out, isn't the job market in seattle not
much better than silly valley?"
Hmmm, good point. I'm waiting for the Seattle contingent of the SCC
to write back on that.
While I waited, I figured it would be a good time to start job-hunting
again.
Out of 742 jobs listed at hotjobs.com, I qualified and applied
for nine this evening.
I also tried to apply for an ebay job I hadn't seen on ebay's site
the other day, but ebay recognized my login and gave me a message
saying I'd already applied in general to ebay...so I guess I needn't
apply for individual jobs since they have me in their profiler?
At roberthalftechnology.com, I originally qualified for 5 jobs through
their profiler, but looking into those jobs, all had outrageous demands
such as:
Help Desk / Tech Support I
Assignment: Consulting
Pay Rate: $17.00
Expereince with 2 of the following a must: HTML, Perl, VB,
and C++ Knowledge of banking/credit card processing a plus.
$17.00/hr???? To program under the guise of Tech Support LEVEL 1 ???
fuck that noise!
And then there was a lot of stuff on hotjobs such as:
E-Learning Technical Assistant position:
Code web pages and knowledge base content for electronic delivery.
Support related operations.
Again, similar bullshit. They want a programmer/web developer under
the guise of a pissant entry-level title "Technical Assistant" just
so they can ass-rape someone for a lower salary.
Check out their requirements:
1.Proficient in word processing, spreadsheets, databases, and project
management software including MS Office and MS Project.
2.Proficient in web development products including Dreamweaver,
Fireworks, Photoshop, and Flash MX
3.Able to program in HTML, Java Script, XML. Knowledge of Coldfusion
is helpful.
4.Proficient in the use of other software tools including: Visio,
Illustrator, Adobe Photoshop, Adobe PDF Reader.
etc...
In general, hotjobs.com was chock full of tech support jobs that want
me to know C++ and SAN technology - sysadmin level experience for shit
fucking pay. One even wanted me to be a biologist and called it tech
support.
*SIGH* anyway...all told, tonight I sifted through 748 jobs and applied
for nine.
A little better than Monday at least.
Date: Sun Feb 9 19:05:37 PST 2003
Location: work
Music: none
QOTD: "See this? This is my labia wiggling at you."
- melissa, doing the equivalent of the violin routine to show her pity for me
when i complained about having to retrace our steps on the grounds of the
california academy of sciences
Mood: eh
The good stuff:
I went to the California Academy of Sciences yesterday for the first time
ever. I went with sherpa and my boyfriend. We did A LOT of walking of
course and had a great time. We had gone to Robert's country store in
Woodside beforehand and gotten yummy sandwiches, which we had for lunch
just outside the cafeteria at the academy of sciences.
I collected lots of "Learn More Go Deeper" resouces cards, which contain
web addresses for more geeky science stuff, which I'm gonna send to my
mum cuz she digs that kinda stuff as much as I do.
After the academy, we made pasta with garlic red sauce (and shrimp for
me and my bf), fat-free brownies and drank much of the last of the wine
I had sitting around. And we watched the movie "Wag The Dog" cuz my bf
hadn't seen it yet and well EVERYONE should see that movie.
Today sherpa and I bicycled on our bike trainers for an hour, then
she, my bf and I slacked off for the rest of the afternoon. Around
5pm my bf and I had to get our asses in gear cuz he had game to go
to and I had work (make motion of sticking finger down throat) to go
to, so we all split ways.
In all, a very nice weekend.
The bad stuff:
On Friday during my massage, my masseur was kneading my lower back
and working straight across as it were from left side to right. At
one point during the kneading he touched my side instead of my back
and that shouldn't be a problem. But I twitched badly and immediately
had a wrenching feeling because my brain was telling me that the side
is an off-limits section. So I told my masseur about it. I told him
it wasn't painful but just bad. He seemed confused so I explained
to him all about what happened to me at renfaire.
He was very sympathetic and understanding and I could tell - but I was
still uneasy just having to bring it up and talk about it at all.
He left my lower back and sides alone for the rest of the massage so
I could recover. He told me again at the end of the massage that it
was okay for me to have told him about what happened and that it's his
job to pay attention to stuff like that. So I felt better in that
respect - that I hadn't dumped on him or anything. But I was still
feeling horribly that I was even triggered at all.
I had a flashback to what happened to me at faire when I was in the
shower on Thursday, January 30th, too.
So that's twice in nine days I had either a flashback or triggering
experience that left me near tears.
Once I was on my way back from the massage on Friday, I found that
blasting Ministry's "The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste" made me
feel much better.
My favourite song for the past week has been "Burning Inside" off
of that album. I'll post the lyrics at the end of this entry.
When I got to my bf's house after the massage - the tears came but
I made sure not to let the pain last. I mean, FUCK THIS SHIT, I'm
not going to be a goddamned victim all my life over THAT. When much
worse has befallen so many others and so many others move on with
their lives - FUCK the emotional victimization bullshit.
So I got myself together and we fetched ourselves some dinner and
drove down to my place so we could be up early on Saturday for the
Academy of Sciences. I did wear my binder the next day, however.
It made me feel more secure, and that's what I need right now.
The only other bad thing that happened this weekend was that I
was mean to my bf. Today he said he had locked my apartment door
to come down to see me and sherpa pedaling on our stationary bikes.
I got mad at him, saying he'd locked us out of the apartment.
I mean I wasn't shouting or angry but I was impatient and told him
not to assume I'd taken my keys, etc. My bf was sad and felt like
an idiot and I told him it's ok. I had the landlady give me the
master key so I could go unlock the door after pedaling.
We all sat around for a bit enjoying the sunshine and then I went
to put my bike and trainer back into my storage unit. Well, there
were my keys, dangling from the lock to the storage unit. I slumped,
turned around and said "Look what I did!" to my bf and sherpa, who
of course razzed me for having been mean. I gave my bf a big hug
and an apology and told him I'm sorry for making him feel dumb all
the time. I felt like total shit and told him I really don't know
how to be tactful and it's something I need to learn. He accepted
my apology and told me he'll let me know from now on when I'm
being too harsh-sounding.
I'm fine now but I did feel like utter shit (and deservedly so)
for quite a while.
The fucked up stuff:
The subject of my brother's fundamentalism came up today, and
we were talking about his Russian Knife Fighting training that
he's giving to the locals in his town in Michigan like a good
little Michigan Militia wannabe. We wondered if he had gotten
his kife fighting VHS training sessions off of something like
asseenontv.com so we went looking for it there. Didn't find it.
Did a google search and found the vids at ermaa.com.
Then I had sherpa go to my brother's webpage to see if it was
still being hosted and also to see if his russian knife fighting
classes were being advertised with his skateboards. Cuz my bro
originally put up a website to sell skateboards and skate equipment
but then started adding paintball, short stories and how to get
rich quick advice.
Well, when sherpa went to his site, we got a surprise. The site's
layout has improved drastically; however for the content - he's now
putting his xtian fundamentalism on the same site as his skate
equipment, along with paintball, short stories, tactical training
and...ferrari sales.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, he's bankrupt, is not a licensed
salesman, but is somehow selling ferraris off of his web store.
And the most painful thing was to hear sherpa reading aloud all of his
fundamentalism.
She was laughing maniacally, and honestly - I WOULD have been too, were
it not for the fact that I am related - by blood - directly to this
god-weilding freak. I kept saying "oh..no..holy crap...no..." as she
read. But it's all my brother. It's him talking. I've heard this exact
shit out of his and my mom's mouths for years.
I WISH I could have stood back and been able to howl with laughter over
such shit. But instead I was repulsed at the fact that I'm even related
to someone like that. Ashamed, even.
I mean, FUCK. "Powered by the Holy Spirit" ??@!##?!
Ugh. My friends all know I'm not going to go that way in life, so what's
the deal? Am I drama-queening all over the place?
They also tell me if he were their brother, they'd prolly react like me,
too. So I should feel at ease and laugh with them.
Well, sometimes I do.
When my bf started reading the short stories off of my brother's site,
I did bust up laughing. We all did.
I started singing "Rambozo The Clown" by the Dead Kennedys as my bf read
the first short story.
My bf finally said, "ok this is too much, even I can't take anymore."
heh.
Good thing it's only a website that we can walk away from.
Good thing I live 2,420.6 miles away from my brother.
I do however fear for the minds of his two young boys.
The job front stuff:
I'm amazed at how little there is out there....still...
I'm honestly going to have to really start searching for something
else. Why have I been so scared to do that?
Fear of the unknown, of course.
And so it's fear of the unknown that I must stare down and conquer.
Even if it means taking the job at microsoft just to move out of
the bay area?
*cringe*
I...I dunno...uhhh... microsoft??
*cringe*
oh hey, check this out, though. as posted on craigslist.org, some fuckwits
want to hire someone to raise their children for them. typical lawyers.
they're all the fucking same. when i worked as a daycare teacher back in
1991-1996, all the lawyer parents we had were just like this. i've saved
it and omitted the names to protect me from being sued by these freaks
one day, but here it is.
Burning Inside - Ministry
will these dreams still follow me
out of dark obscurity?
can't you see it up in the sky
as it kicks you in the face and sucks you dry
you never had the answers
and now you tell me the facts of life
i really couldn't be bothered with you
get out of my face and watch me die
burning inside! burning inside!
absolution and a frozen room
are the dreams of men below
i try to grab it but the touch is hot
the mirror collapses, but the image came not
i'm scared of the darkness in the light
i scare myself because i know i'm right
i see the evil in your savage eye
as it cuts right through the sky
burning inside! burning inside!
calling a mantra with a blade in the skin
for the demons within
i feel the pain is the death and decay
but the lesson never fades away
too little shadows, turn away
you throw the man through the window pane
another slave and a victim of fate
another lesson in hate
burning inside! burning inside!
Date: Mon Feb 10 13:16:46 PST 2003
Location: home
Music: Project Pitchfork - Daimonion (playing in my h
ead as I read the news)
QOTD:
Mood: feck
I keep telling myself not to read the news.
A friend had been on my computer over the weekend and left up
salon.com. So when I woke up this afternoon, I saw it there
and naturally I felt I had to look.
Well. There goes my day.
http://www.salon.com/news/wire/2003/02/08/terror/index.html
posted Feb 8, 2003
"Airports, subways, nuclear plants, hotels, even plans for Sunday's
NBA All-Star Game in Atlanta received new attention after the federal
government upgraded the terror alert color to "orange," warning of
a growing possibility that the al-Qaida network would launch an attack
to coincide with Muslim holy days."
"Attorney General John Ashcroft said Friday the government had
received intelligence information, corroborated by multiple sources,
that Osama bin Laden's terror organization sought to attack Americans
at home or abroad during the annual hajj pilgrimage to the holy Saudi
city of Mecca. The five-day hajj involving more than a million Muslim
pilgrims begins Saturday."
There was also this article in salon, too.
I felt my chest tighten and my throat close up - the signs of a panic
attack. And I thought "WHY?"
There's nothing I can do. I have no idea what will happen and when
with this shit, so why worry? What the fuck is my problem, anyway?
Oh yeah. Christian fundamentalist upbringing that taught me to see
every tiny thing in the world as a Sure Sign Of The End Times.
I still suffer anxiety because of my upbringing.
MAN I'm pissed off, now.
So I used my anger. I researched the background to the news story above.
The article - in fact ALL the news wires - were so vague as to say "Muslim
holy days".
I had to dig to really find out WHICH holy day, WHEN, and what it was REALLY
about.
http://www.sa.psu.edu/cera/relhol.html
February 2003 Muslim Holy Days
Approximately Feb. 12: Eidul Adha (Id Al-Adha)
http://www.snazzdragon.co.uk/mcal2.html#feb
9 February First Quarter Moon 11:12GMT Taurus
16 February Full Moon 23:52GMT Leo
http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/islam/holydays/islam_holydays3.shtml
Eid ul Adha (10 Dhul-Hijja)
The Festival of Sacrifice
This festival marks the end of the Hajj or holy pilgrimage, which is
one of the 5 pillars of Islam. However it is celebrated by all Muslims,
not just those who are on the pilgrimage.
This is a 4-day public holiday in Muslim countries.
The festival remembers the prophet Ibrahims willingness to sacrifice
his son when God ordered him to...
God appeared in a dream to Ibrahim and told him to sacrifice his son
Ismail. Ibrahim and Ismail set off to Mina for the sacrifice.
As they went, the devil attempted to persuade Ibrahim to disobey God
and not to sacrifice his beloved son. But Ibrahim stayed true to God,
and drove the devil away.
As Ibrahim prepared to kill his son God stopped him and gave him a
sheep to sacrifice instead.
Ibrahims complete obedience to the will of God is celebrated by
Muslims each year.
Each Muslim, as they celebrate, reminds themselves of their own
submission to God, and their own willingness to sacrifice anything
to God's wishes.
During the festival Muslims who can afford to, sacrifice domestic
animals, usually sheep, as a symbol of Ibraham's sacrifice.
The meat is distributed among family, friends and the poor, who
each get a third share.
As with all festivals there are prayers, and also presents.
Project Pitchfork - Daimonion
six - you close your eyes
five - control your breath
four - you feel the warmth
three - relax your mind
two - do you feel safe
one - now you are here
it seems to be unreal
the colors fade away
like a puppet on a string
where will we march today
the string was always there
it leads up to the sky
the colors fade away
who can tell me why
six - you've got to get to know yourself
five - or are you just a marionette
four - following the subtle rules
three - given by the mighty
two - following the subtle rules
one - given by the mighty
it seems to be unreal
the colors fade away
like a puppet on a string
where will we march today
the string was always there
it leads up to the sky
the colors fade away
who can tell me why
you've got to get to know yourself
or are you just a marionette
following the subtle rules
given by the mighty
day by day
the same mistake
a life ruled by fear and hate
you've got to get to know yourself
or are you just a marionette
following the subtle rules
given by the mighty
living for the weekend
is your meaning of life
now you tell me why
you are living a lie
it seems to be unreal
the colors fade away
like a puppet on a string
where will we march today
the string was always there
it leads up to the sky
the colors fade away
six - you close your eyes
who can tell me why
five - control your breath
four - you close your eyes
three - who can tell me why
two - you close your eyes
one - close your eyes
who can tell me why
who can tell me why
Date: Tue Feb 11 13:16:20 PST 2003
Location: home
Music:the "three-oh-three" song in the movie "Wag The Dog" (playing in my head)
QOTD:
Mood: getting by
As seen on bayarea.com today. Also see this article.
So I ask myself, what's holding me to the Bay Area if I can't afford to exist
in it?
Friends - dear friends - my adopted family.
But dear friends may have to house me and my two cats if I lose my home.
Dear friends may have to feed me if I lose my income.
Dear friends may have to console me if I have to give up my cats - my
children - in order to make ends meet.
I don't want to put anyone through having to support me.
But then, I have some other friends who felt the same way, and in the
end they had no other choice but to appeal for food and money. And I
don't want to go that route. I know they didn't, either. I don't think
lesser of them, and I know my friends wouldn't think lesser of me.
It's stubbornness and shame for me. That's why I hate borrowing from
people.
I mean, look at my family. My mother went $30K into debt, then turned
to me and my brother in high school and told us to go to work and
support her because she was too overwhelmed by it all and gave up.
My brother, in his best efforts to be a career man and family man,
tried to continue supporting our mom after I fled home to support
myself. He lived with his wife and two children in mom's house so
he could support her. Finally he'd had enough and moved out with
his family, but still supported mom.
Then it all got overwhelming so he simply stopped paying the bills.
Just like mom.
Now he's declared bankruptcy while still putting off that he still
has an online business, which has made very little money that I or
our father are aware of. As a matter of fact, our dad just sent my
bro an unnamed amount of money so my bro and his family could eat.
My brother is very likely in the bankruptcy to lose both his house
and our mother's house (she put it in his name when she gave up on
everything). My father and I have no idea where any of them will go,
so we're sitting on the edge of our chairs, Waiting For It.
I don't want to end up like my mom and my brother.
I'd drown myself first.
That said, tonight is Resume Night again, and a friend of mine gave
me some more company names to check out.
I don't want to stay in the tech industry, but I feel I've nowhere
else to go. I'm simply not skilled in anything else. And it seems
no one wants to give a chance to someone wanting to get out of the
tech industry and start over again, as was discussed in the article
I posted above. It's like we're typecast. We're fucked.
I want out, goddammit!
Date: Wed Feb 12 13:33:38 PST 2003
Location: home
Music: none
QOTD:
Mood: crappy
Stress kills.
I woke up at 7:30am in pain. I tried to turn over and the pain seared
through my left shoulder into my back and neck.
I forced myself out of bed, staggered to the kitchen and grabbed the
ice pack. Icing my back when it does this usually helps.
I went back to bed and laid on the ice pack for an hour.
Woke up again at 8:33am, felt a bit better. Then I tried to get
up. Searing pain.
I determined that I could not turn my head to the left, and only
a little bit to the right. I could raise my arms up and gently
stretch, but putting my arms back down killed.
I could not yawn or take deep breaths because it hurt my back too
much.
I could not lift my head up to look at the ceiling because my neck
was in too much pain and sent searing jabs and tingles down my left
arm.
Good thing I just got approved for health insuarance through Health
Net via the guy I'm contracting for.
I tried to see a new doctor but they're all booked so they told me
to go to Urgent Care, which I did.
I spent an hour in the waiting room and a good 20 mins in a private
room before a doctor saw me. The place was packed and the news in
the waiting room blared on about people running to buy gas masks.
I looked around me and thought, "I'm in a biohazardous situation
right now just being in this fucking waiting room with all the
flu patients, and people are Out There worried about terrorism."
The doctor finally saw me and I described to him what was going
on, and that it happens at least 3 times per year ever since my
car accident in '94. I told him I saw a chiropractor for a year
who told me I have Stage II Subluxation and fusing bones in the
upper spine as a result of the accident.
The doctor asked me what I'd done in the last few days. I told
him I bicycle 3 times per week, going for distance rides on
Sundays. I told him I don't usually throw out my back bicycling.
The doctor looked at me and asked, "Any stress in your life?"
I chuckled.
I told him about the Microsoft takeover. I told him I've had
eight jobs in five years because of the nature of the dotcom
industry.
He said, "Oh my god!!"
I staggered out of there with two prescriptions:
Soma
Tylenol w/ Codeine
I called in sick to work today and I've just popped my first
Soma.
I'm giggling inside about the Soma.
It makes me think of Brave New World.
"Bottle of mine, it's you I've always wanted!
Bottle of mine, why was I ever decanted?
Skies are blue inside of you,
The weather's always fine;
For
There ain't no Bottle in all the world
Like that dear little Bottle of mine."
Date: Thu Feb 13 19:52:36 PST 2003
Location: work
Music: none
QOTD:
Mood: drugged
Been drugged for the last 30 hours...still can't turn my head completely
left, right, forward or backwards.
I took ONE Tylenol 3/codeine at 10am it's STILL making me fuzzy.
I shoulda known not to do it cuz I'm so sensitive to meds, but I was
in pain.
Ok I wasn't in AS MUCH pain as I was yesterday but I was in pain!
Ok I admit it. I'm also a codeine junkie and eat the whole bottle
whenever I have to be on the stuff. But I swear, I really only did
take one codeine pill today and I've been fuzzy ALL day.
Must be the Soma still in me system, too.
Good thing it's been a slow day at work today.
I told my cow-orkers all about why I was out yesterday and one guy
gave me $20 and told me to go downstairs and get a massage.
Every Thursday is Massage Day at work - something a lot of dotcoms
don't do anymore.
So I got a massage for 15 mins and it was excellent. It's just
what I needed. So I called my masseur and made an appt with him
for next Friday.
I have to go now. Extremely EXTREMELY distracted due to codeine haze.
9:40PM PST
My friend was in quiz-taking mode tonight and since I'm highly
susceptible to such things, I took some quizzes, too. The burly
adventurer, the spark.com and the seethrugames quizzes on my quiz page
are from tonight.
12:29AM PST
Took the breakfast.itgo.com freak test and was 1/2 hour late getting out of
work as a result, so I should get bonus freak points for staying late for
purposes of slacking.
