This page may contain harsh language and content.
You may use the quicklinks below to skip ahead to an entry on
this page.
Date: Wed Oct 27 22:16:16 PDT 2004
Location: home
Music:
QOTD:
<ztepf> holy crap, this is the first win for the sox since 1918.
<ztepf> 1918 is when the flu decimated millions around the world.
<ztepf> NICE GOING, THANKS A LOT.
<_Lewellyn> hrm. is it coincidental that there's a flu shot shortage?
(smart assing over the fact that the Red Sox won the World Series tonight)
Mood: tipsy
Breakfast: cheetos and cookies and rice milk cuz I'm PMSing.
Lunch: cheetos and cookies and rice milk cuz I'm PMSing.
Dinner: A cheese queseldilla with spinach and black olives, 2 glasses of red wine and a cookie.
I know I haven't posted to this journal in awhile. I've been very depressed and so was posting in my depression journal. I like to keep things segregated so it's easier to go through later on.
On that note, today I was also depressed, BUT!
I was going through the old horrorscope archives to find the one detailing this month because I knew it had specific information concerning tonight's eclipse.
And I got to the part about "I want you to put all your time and attention into nailing that extra income this month" and my eyes glazed over. I've been working on the book non-stop, but tonight, along with being a Full Moon and a total lunar eclipse, also happens to be Lottery Night.
So I jotted down my favourite numbers and darted out the door to get to the liquour store in time.
As I went out the door, I grabbed the trash. I emerged outside to take out the trash, and I noticed the moon. I'd not seen the moon earlier when I watched the sun set, cuz there were clouds in the East. But here now was the Full Moon, and the eclipse had nearly gone half-way across it!
I ran to my car and went to a liquour store I don't usually go to. I just felt better going to this one tonight, over by my friend's house. I got there and the guy who runs the place was his usual cheerful self, and another customer for the lottery was mumbling about playing the game and wasting his money yet again, and I said "Nah, tonight's good luck, there's a lunar eclipse!"
The owner of the liquour store asked me what exactly happens during a lunar eclipse, and I told him that the Sun makes a shadow across the Moon. I didn't explain any further cuz the guy got on the phone immediately and called his family to tell his kids to get outside to watch the Sun making a shadow across the Moon.
It was cute.
So I got my lottery ticket and the owner of the store wished us both good luck (cuz if I win, his store gets some moolah too and it won't be the first time!), and off I went back towards home.
My bf had just gotten home seconds before I did. We cracked open some red wine and sat on the balcony to watch the eclipse reach Totality. It was very nice.
I felt lucky. After feeling depressed today, I felt happy and fortunate tonight. Even if I don't win the lottery by tomorrow, I'm still fortunate. I want me to know that.
And now, for a bit of reflection.
The horrorscope for this month also said, "This October 27 eclipse will be tied to the series of eclipses that has been coming by for a long time: November 19, 2002; May 15, 2003; November 8, 2003; May 4, 2004 and this one." So I looked back through my journal to find what was going on for those dates:
Around November 19, 2002:
I was wrestling with gender dysphoria pretty badly, and I'd joined online FTM communities seeking support from like-minded folks. I was very depressed and my bf was having a difficult time trying to parse my gender issues. I met a gender-dysphoric friend who is still dear to me to this day.
Around May 15, 2003:
I had just returned from my grandmother's funeral in Kentucky, where my bf got to meet my extended Appalachian family for the first time. I struggled to deal with contradictory feelings of the pull towards family belonging and the sting of their fundamentalist Christian ways, not to mention their Appalachian ways. Whether they want to admit it or not, my family is still really tied to the ways of Mountain People and uh... I think in some regards, especially emotionally, I am too.
Around November 8, 2003:
I had just gotten back from a nice stay in Seattle and I wanted to go back again already. I was hating the contract job that my recruiter won for me, and hating myself for reluctantly taking the job, because I knew it wasn't right for me.
Around May 4, 2004:
One year since grandma's passing.
I had just been fired from my job and my unemployment claim from last year restarted, and I realised that I was nowhere NEAR ready for attaining the Financial Independence I'd been reading about in my "how to survive without working for
the man" type books.
I had a dream on May 8th that concerned my aunt who'd cared for my above-mentioned grandma until grandma's death, and so I called up my aunt (it's customary in my family to check in on family when you dream about them. I have no idea if this is an old Appalachian thing or just my family). And well that set me back into the whole family drama fretting again. I'm too attached to these people.
Tonight, October 27, 2004
Today I spent the day at the Church of Latter Day Saints' Family Research Center...the big scary Mormon church up in the Oakland hills. I couldn't get any further on the Zawada side than I've already done on my own with the general Internet, and I was too intimidated today to start back on the Appalachian family research simply because they're SO huge, so I turned to the Milne side of things and had some luck insofar as there's a lot of on-site records for the Ontario area dating from the 1850's. I didn't get anything today but all I gotta do is go back and start fresh again and try for a hit next time. Today I wasn't prepared with my paperwork. I only had the Zawada paperwork on me.
SO. Taking all that and tying each of those eclipses together, and then going back to the monthly horrorscope forecast, which says, "This October 27 eclipse will be tied to the series of eclipses that has been coming by for a long time: November 19, 2002; May 15, 2003; November 8, 2003; May 4, 2004 and this one. This will be the last eclipse in the Taurus-Scorpio series, a different family of eclipses than the one that will fall earlier this month. You might want to look back to the dates listed here to see if any stand out. Something that occurs now will be linked to one of those days, most probably a relationship issue or project that came up on May 4 or November 8", it is my opinion that this eclipse is tied to my fears over financial stability, and family.
And isn't it interesting that just two nights ago, after reflecting about what I need to do next, I decided the best possible advice would be to give myself a tarot reading and go from there. And from my tarot reading, my fears came to the conscious level and were exposed; I am still terrified of not succeeding at becoming self employed, and I am still bothered by too many setbacks and interruptions, mainly through depressions, to keep me from succeeding at this time.
I decided that it's best that I start looking for a job again, but my condition to myself is that any jobs I seek will be outside of the tech industry.
Today I polished up non-technical resumes and started to look for work.
Interesting how things come together, whether your horrorscope tells you about it or not.
Date: Fri Oct 29 13:38:24 PDT 2004
Location: home
Music:
QOTD: "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country." - George W. Bush, Sept. 6, 2004, Poplar Bluff, MO
Mood: depressed
Breakfast: cookies and rice milk cuz I'm PMSing.
Lunch: cookies and rice milk cuz I'm PMSing.
So it's been two months since I last dealt with stupid doctor's office
bullshit retard asshat bitchshitter dog feces motherfucker goddammit piece
of shit ass tards.
Yesterday I called up the moronic receptionist at my doctor's office in
San Jose to verify if they got stuff from my chiropractor back in august.
The retard said no, so I called the chiro and left a message saying, "Hey,
you know, I PAID you to send my files, did you ever send them?"
The reception for the chiro called back this morning and said she did
send my XRay results back in August.
So I called the moronic receptionist at my doctor's office in San Jose
again and the same receptionist panicked immediately, saying the doctor
isn't in and she would have my files and can deal with all of this.
Total deer-in-the-headlights panic.
I told her "it's just a report on my XRays, it would have been sent in
August, would you please just check the file again!"
She said, 'oh you called yesterday right?'
Me: 'yes'.
Her: 'let me call you back'.
So I waited.
A little bit later, she called back: "Hello yes we ONLY JUST have these two
pages from a doctor Wilter?"
I correct her: "WITTWER".
She said, "Oh yeah, Wittwer, we only have 2 pages."
I ask, "Is it the X RAY REPORT?"
She replies 'yes' and I say WELL THEN! THANK YOU.
The bitch then does an OKBYE before I can open my mouth again to make
an appointment.
The doctor there really is good. It's her staff that's so fucking retarded.
Getting through them is damned near impossible, so I need to do two things;
work on getting health insurance again and also go down to that doctor's
office and sign a release form to get my stack of medical records for my
personal posession, if that's even possible (this IS the United States,
after all. You'd think we'd have FREEDOM of ACCESS but NO, it's all a
sham).
|
|