Date:Wed Jul 2 09:36:09 PDT 2003
Location: home
Music: SNOG - Buy Me, I'll Change Your Life
QOTD:
Mood: on pain meds
I've thrown my back out *again*.
Is this 5 or 6 times this year??
So I'm on Soma and Xanax to try to become a vegetable for awhile to
calm the locked painful wrenched muscles.
I went to SNOG last night at the DNA Lounge in San Francisco.
I went in honour of dhog, who had gotten me into SNOG back in 1998.
Had a white russian in honour of dhog, as it was his favourite drink
and this is customary for me to do now when I go to a bar or club.
I had never seen SNOG perform before, so I was surprised when David
Thrussell came on stage.
I dunno...I wasn't expecting a curly long blonde haired guy who seems
a bit dhog-like...shy and insecure...constantly touching his hair...
I expected David Thrussell to be more...I dunno...like GOD...heh
But there he was, and everyone had a great time.
Lupo was there and said he now remembered how dhog used to go
on about SNOG, and Lupo decided he liked SNOG, too. I was happy
to carry on dhog's influence to this band by insisting that Lupo
come out to the show.
I really felt dhog was there with us last night. I snagged a
SNOG flyer to someday take to Australia to show dhog in his
resting place.
Today I wrote to Danny Yee to submit a photo of dhog to the
dhog memorial site, and that's when I discovered that someone
had submitted links to my journal entries about dhog.
I'm always surprised when I find out people are actively reading
my journal besides me.
This journal started out as a way to keep in touch with people
who don't call or have time to write, but who wanted to know
how I am doing, since I also don't call or write everyone all
the time. The journal also started out as a chronicle of my
gender dysphoria.
But so many other things go into it. So much raw emotion.
Sometimes I wonder if I should censor my journal or take it
offline again.
But then, I always think that somewhere, someone wants to know
how I'm doing, and the journal is the best way to get the whole
picture.
On more than one occasion, I've read someone's journal and
immediately wrote or called them to check on them as a result.
Otherwise, days, weeks, months, years go by and I never know.
I don't get the full story.
With a journal, everyone is updated simultaneously and you don't
have to explain yourself 493419593 times, especially if you've
fallen into the pit again and can't bring yourself to be social.
I understand the concept now, which I pushed away before.
So my back...I pulled it last night I guess, while I was standing
enjoying the show. Had my hands in my pockets, standing up straight,
nodding my head at times to the music, moving around a little.
That's all it took, I guess.
I'm only 31 for chrissakes!
Guess that little stint back in '93 where I tried to go through
a windshield has officially affected my mobility, huh.
Date: Wed Jul 2 14:54:46 PDT 2003
Location: home
Music: none
QOTD:
Mood: in pain, sad, drugged
I am literally staggering about the apartment, I'm so drugged.
And still in pain.
I may have to break out the Codeine.
Since this morning, I've tried ice pack, heating pad, another ice
pack, hot shower, 2 soma, and 2 xanax.
The ice pack made things SO much worse for me, which is what
happened last time, too. Up til last time my back went out, the
ice pack had always worked.
So I tried the heating pad and that helped a bit. I got out of
bed and journaled, but the pain came back with force.
So, another ice pack it was, and back to bed with more soma.
A bit later, I was awakened to the sound of air raid sirens
in the distance.
I realised immediately that I was not in Michigan, so it wasn't
a tornado alert.
In Michigan, they test the sirens on the first saturday of every
month at 1pm.
I looked at my clock and it was just after noon.
My first thought was, "But this isn't Saturday!", and then had
to remind myself *again* that I wasn't in Michigan.
So I sat up in bed and became a bit alarmed.
Then I remembered many months ago there was a short article in
the local paper about sirens being put in place - all due to the
stupid terrorist "Homeland Security" bullshit.
So I got up and scoured the Internet, looking for info on siren
testing.
I finally found it.
Popped another xanax, went back to sleep.
Woke up around 2:45pm and the staggering began.
So I made the depressing decision - I called the university and
asked to reschedule my informational meeting with them.
They were quite understanding of course, but I am upset with myself.
And I have no reason to be upset with myself, cuz I didn't thrash
around last night. I just stood there watching a show and POOF
my back went out by the time I woke up this morning.
It just happens that way. I can't be mad.
So I'm eating some late lunch and going back to bed.
This sucks. :(
Date: Mon Jul 7 11:58:07 PDT 2003
Location: home
Music: Wanted - H_M_B (off of the Cyberpolis Vol. II comp)
QOTD:
Mood: busy
I can't remember Thursday. I think I was still drugged out of my mind.
I remember shuffling like an old person in a stupor and scaring my
bf because of it. He always hates when I do any sort of drugs,
prescribed or not. He's always afraid I'll end up with irreversible
brain damage. It's cuz he's never done many drugs, even prescription
or over the counter (OTC) drugs, cuz it was instilled in him early
on that "Drugs are bad, mmkay?" and he actually listened, heh.
So ... Friday we got up at stupid 'o clock in the morning and drove
down to Sherpa's house, loaded up her car and cooler and off we went
to San Simeon (my bf keeps calling it San Monkey and I keep laughing
out loud when he does...a play on "simian").
We stopped in Monterey on the way and spent a couple hours there.
We showed Sherpa the Jabberwock Inn where my bf and I stayed last
year (we were allowed a tour inside, too!)
We also bought books at Book Buyers Monterey and we bought some garlic
stuff at the Garlic Shoppe.
I started to get ticked off when I realized that the books I bought
could have been bought cheaper at amazon.com, but then I remembered
that it's fuckers like amazon.com who are driving out small booksellers
like Book Buyers Monterey, and then the few dollars extra didn't matter
much anymore, despite being unemployed.
It's the point of the matter.
So go down to Monterey and go to Book Buyers at 600 Lighthouse Ave.
Their number is 831-375-4208.
Also go to your local independent bookstore and support them!!
Prevent fuckers like amazon, barnes & noble and borders from
taking over the world a la starbuck's and replacing your reality
with sparkling shit crystals.
uhhhhh ok...off my soapbox now...
Friday night we made it into San Monkey and stayed in a cheap
motel. We went out to an inexpensive dinner.
Saturday morning we got up, ate a quick breakfast that we'd
packed, packed our crap back into the car and made our way to
Hearst Castle for the day. We took Tour 2 and 4.
I kept thinking the whole time we were there, "wow, this place
hasn't changed a bit!" as though I'd been there before...
um YEAH in another life, maybe...
My favourite place was the indoor roman pool.
Sherpa let us use her digital camera, so images are forthcoming!!
I declared that I'd like to be a bastard one day and have a castle,
too. My bf and Sherpa replied that I'd better play the lottery that
night, then. But we forgot to get to a lotto retailer in time.
Oh well.
After the Hearst Castle tour, we high-tailed it back to Monterey
and stayed in another cheap motel. Sherpa was tired so she stayed
in while my bf and I went out to dinner.
She let us have the car, which was awesome of her, and we drove
down to Fisherman's Wharf. We ate at the same place we ate at
last year for our anniversary - The Wharfside Restaurant - and
we just walked in and got a table near the window without having
to look at other diners (it was near 9pm so that helped!).
We had done a spot of shopping before dinner before the shops closed,
too. I bought some incense cuz the orange spray I had brought with
me had exploded or depressurized or something in my bag and got all
over the bag, some of my clothes, and Sherpa's trunk. The scent of
orange was everywhere and nauseating. That was on Friday.
On Saturday morning I had cleaned a lot of it up by diluting it
and mopping just with water, but washing some of my clothes with
motel shampoo somehow also did the trick, too.
Lordy.
SO the whole reason I had orange spray was cuz there was three
of us and I didn't want any of us to stink up the bathroom for
the other, so I *thought* I was being considerate, but I just
ended up making a mess of stuff instead.
So ANYWAY that's why I bought incense - to have stink prevention
in order.
After a fabulous dinner at Wharfside, we walked back towards the
car and along the way we'd found that the sea lions we'd passed
on the way in were still on the beach and barking it up, but now
there were several dozens of them. I'd wager up to 100 sea lions
laid there in the dark trying to sleep on the beach.
So we, like other tourists, were fascinated and just stood there
for quite some time, looking at these creatures.
I began to have flashbacks of RenFaire...
There was Tent City, where everyone made noise and galloped
about, and there was Sleep Camp, Cardiac Hill or whatever the
memory may be at any given Faire, where people went to escape
all the noise and drumming circles and partying to get some
sleep before having to work Faire again the next day.
And so it was on the beach with these sea lions. There was Tent
City, where a bunch of young lions splashed about in the water
near the shore, or waddled about on shore barking it up.
And then there was Sleep Camp, where a lot of the adults were,
and some "kids". Every now and then, a youngin would waddle up,
tired out from all the fun in Tent City, and try to find its
friends or family amongst the passed out herd, stumbling across
bodies and pissing off the sleeping hoardes. The pissed off
would suddenly awake and bark loudly or grunt and/or bite the
neck or face of the offending staggerer. It was hilarious.
Just like humanity, I swear.
Got back to the motel, Sherpa was still up but well rested
and we all chatted for a bit before settling in for the night.
Sunday morning we packed up again and zoomed up the coast
(we had taken highway 1 all the way down and back again)
to Moss Beach so we could make it in time to enjoy brunch
at the Moss Beach Distillery.
My bf and I had the Coquille de Mer, while Sherpa had the
vegetarian omelette.
I swear, my bf and I nearly orgasmed over the Coquille de Mer
dish, it was so good.
And that was it.
After a 2 hour brunch, we headed back up the coast and made it
into Sherpa's neighborhood by 3pm or so.
We parted ways and came home. My bf went off to his weekly game
session and I meant to rest.
However, I looked out on the balcony and saw the weight bench
and wanted to set it up so I can start working out my arms
and chest again. So off I went redoing the whole balcony.
In the process, I discovered a biohazardous science experiment
brewing in our cooler and that took up another hour at least
of my time cleaning the fuck out of that with a bandana tied
over my nose and mouth.
So over an hour, ammonia, bleach and Simple Green later, the
fucking cooler was clean.
We'd put some ice in it at our housewarming party and well..
forgot to put food or drink in it (THANK ERIS), but the melted
ice with the bag it was in was enough to start the science
experiment rolling. ugh.
Had 2 glasses of red wine after that with dinner and sat in
front of the TV for the rest of the night, watching documentaries
and then my Lord of The Rings DVD.
Because of the balcony work and the subsequent drinkies, I
forgot all about K'vetch, where my friends hang out and/or
speak at once a month. =(
Got up this morning, saw my bf off to work, and went bicycling.
What a challenge that was, cuz it was so freakin windy.
The cold didn't really bother me after the first two miles but
the wind sucked ass.
But I did it! An hour and 10 minutes estimated ride today.
And now I have to get some other work done before headin off
to university to check out their grad program and financial
aid.
Date: Wed Jul 9 23:38:57 PDT 2003
Location: home
Music: none
QOTD:
Mood: tipsy
Today was surgery day for my kitty. She had a bump and we weren't sure
if it was a cyst, tumour or hernia.
Turns out it was a hernia - the vet suspects from when the cat was
fixed 7 years ago. So she's got a shaved belly and dissolvable stitches
inside and out, and I'm out $376 now but at least my baby is alive.
I don't think I could handle another death this year.
She had her belly shaved last year, too, when she swallowed a bug and
got a bad case of gastritis. She's just a born troublemaker. That's
what I get for naming her after a daughter of Zeus.
I rode the bike for an hour and ten minutes today, which I needed after
missing yesterday's riding, but I was still tired all day.
george must be nearing.
I talked to my father about school - we agreed after a long conversation
that it's a Bad Idea(TM) and I'm really sad about that. Basically he says
that it's because of my age (I'm 31) and the fact that I'd be paying my
own schooling...and thusly having to pay the loans back. I'd be paying
loans back for the next 50 years.
His advice was to get back into corporate america and have them pay
for my schooling. But I'd have to go back to technical work and I
don't want to stay in the tech industry. That's all I can do. Anything
else outside of that is falling back to administrative or customer service
for insurance companies, or working assistant social work type stuff or
in a group home. That's all a Social Science degree will do for you.
Originally, I went to school to become a school teacher, certified
kindergarten through eighth grade. But I burned out on that with only
a year and a half left to go, and just finished off my schooling with
whatever I could to get a degree.
I think part of the reason I burned out is that I was going to school
full time (commuting), working full time in a daycare as a toddler
teacher, and helping my mom try to put a dent in paying off her $30K
debt.
Um.. yeah.
So anyway, back to the present date... I'll continue to look for
environmental work and as a last resort, government and technical
work again.
Oh, and as of today, I still haven't received my first unemployment
check; they'll be calling tomorrow for an 'unemployment interview',
which is basically to question why I deserve to get unemployment.
When my bf got home, I made Mai Tais and we had that with our dinner.
I'm pretty numb and toasty and happy about it, so I don't have to think
about not going to the school I wanted.
However, tomorrow I'm going to look at local smaller colleges and see
if perhaps I can stack bachelor's degrees if I can't get a master's.
Date: Fri Jul 11 18:13:31 PDT 2003
Location: home
Music: none
QOTD:
<zept_> getting out of Flint is ALWAYS a good change.
<WRAY> but he could get out of flint any time he wants
<zept_> let me rephrase that.
<zept_> getting out of Michigan is ALWAYS a good change. ;)
-regarding the fact that nateM's werk offered him a transfer to .ca.us
Mood: drunk, contemplative
When I was a kid, I used to stare into the darkness of my bedroom
at night and watch the sudden white flashes of light appear and fade
again into the darkness. I pretended I could travel through space and
time. I wanted it to be real.
During my college years, I was involved in an auto accident whereby
I bowed out the windshield with my head. I hadn't been wearing a
seatbelt and an SUV hit us head-on going about 50. We were going
about 20, turning out of a parking lot.
As I took time to heal, memories came back to me. I felt that I
had seen my dead paternal grandmother. That I had visited the
Summerlands as the Pagans say. I came out of that experience a
reformed Christian for good, as I had been questioning my Christian
upbringing even before the accident. I turned Pagan.
Years later, after processing ambulance reports as a temporary
employee in a different state, I found I could request my own
ambulance report, so I did.
It showed my vitals were good all the way to the hospital, and
that I'd even had conscious moments.
I'd never been code blue for a time as I had always thought.
Also when I was in college, I learned that an orange is not really
orange. It is blue. But our human eyes parse it as orange.
I might have learned this sooner, had I not been brought up in
a Christian fundamentalist bubble, where learning is bad, mmkay?
When I was just out of college, I inhaled too much nitrous oxide
recreationally one night outside the nightclub I frequented, and
had a simulated near death experience, where I rose slowly towards
"The Light".
A drunken girl nearby started shrieking with laughter at something
going on where she was, and that pulled me out of the experience.
I was pissed at her. I wanted to keep going.
Last night I watched the sun set while sitting at the edge of a
small cliff on the other side of the island where I live.
I blinked, and noticed floaty things in my line of sight; like
when I was in 5th grade, looking at microbes under the microscope
in health class. I realized immediately that these were floaties in
my eyes and that it's normal. I looked away and suddenly the
colour of the sky changed, because I had been looking towards the
sun. Now things were darker. I didn't see the pink and orange hues
anymore. I saw darker colours and blues. My eyes were trying to
readjust. I wanted to see the REAL colours.
The point to all of this is...
Nothing is real.
Date: Tue Jul 15 16:06:53 PDT 2003
Location: home
Music: SNOG - Remote Control
QOTD: "It is never a good sign when you consider a good investment in your career a stop at the local store that sells lottery tickets." - Elezar
Mood: drunk again
Unemployment leads to an increase in drinking I've found.
Why can't I get a grant or a prize for studying that, when researchers
get grants and prizes all the time for researching the obvious?
Fuckers.
I wanted to continue my discussion from the last journal entry, but
somehow I've not been able to.
Yesterday, for the first time, I started looking for a job.
I applied to two or three jobs; one was in the tech industry and I
hated myself for it but I still haven't gotten my first unemployment
check so I panicked.
Today I took two online "free" career assessment tests. I say free
cuz it didn't cost anything to take the damned tests, but to get
the full results was another story. Of course I didn't pay, what
are you, nuts?
However, in the partial results of one of the tests, I found that
I scored high in the area of Social Science, and the following are
attributed to Social Science:
Agricultural Technicians
Animal Scientists
Anthropologists
Archeologists
Astronomers
Atmospheric and Space Scientists
Biochemists
Biological Technicians
Biologists
Biophysicists
Chemical Technicians
Chemists
City Planning Aides
Clinical Psychologists
Counseling Psychologists
Economists
Educational Psychologists
Environmental Science and Protection Technicians, Including Health
Environmental Scientists and Specialists, Including Health
Epidemiologists
Food Science Technicians
Food Scientists and Technologists
Forensic Science Technicians
Foresters
Geographers
Geological Data Technicians
Geological Sample Test Technicians
Geologists
Historians
Hydrologists
Industrial-Organizational Psychologists
Market Research Analysts
Materials Scientists
Medical Scientists, Except Epidemiologists
Microbiologists
Nuclear Equipment Operation Technicians
Nuclear Monitoring Technicians
Park Naturalists
Physicists
Plant Scientists
Political Scientists
Range Managers
Sociologists
Soil Conservationists
Soil Scientists
Urban and Regional Planners
Zoologists and Wildlife Biologists
So I thought heyyyyy, Archaeology!
I checked out local universities offering Archaeology and found that
Cal State Berkeley looks to be the only one so far.
What about that Master's in Transpersonal Psych, you ask?
Well, I inquired about this to a couple of shrinks I know, and found
out that Transpersonal Psych is not recognized in the state of California.
Well, that does a fat lot of good for me, doesn't it? I can't very well
earn a living on it now, can I?
Would I go directly to Edinburgh, Scotland to further pursue my interests
post graduation in the U.S.? Could I afford it?
Fuck no I couldn't afford it. I'd be trapped here, trying to raise
the money to pay off my $50K loan debt and raising money to move to
Scotland.
I'd never make it out of here.
So from that perspective, my dad has the right idea in trying to find
some hapless corporation to fund my continuing education.
But with the economy being in the sewer, so many companies are no longer
offering financial aid to schools...unless they're huge corporations like
Microsoft or IBM. And I can't go work for those corps and ask for
permission to attend school for psychology. I'd have to attend school
related to the work I do. So that means I have to get a job somehow with
a corporation specializing in Social Science/Psychology, and then work
my way up from the bottom, which can take up to 10 years.
Then I'd be 41 years old.
Do you see the level of hopelessness in it all?
Do you?
So back to the results of the career assessment test and my interest
in archaeology. I could attempt to get another bachelor's degree -
this time in Anthropology, and Cal State Berkeley is offering degree
programs in that...but Cal State Berkeley is fucker expensive and so
I'd have to somehow score a Pell Grant.
Hey, I researched Transpersonal Psych as far as I could go, now it's
time to look at this pipe dream.
And then maybe after I'm done considering pipe dreams, I'll eventually
realise once again that my place in society is, as it always was, a
bottom feeder.
Eventually I will take up my place in society again, but right now
I'm dreaming.
Date: Tue Jul 15 19:55:05 PDT 2003
Location: home
Music: none
QOTD:
Mood: foul
It's not enough that I have to worry about money and being unemployed.
It's not enough that I have to worry about both of us being unemployed
when my bf gets laid off at the end of this month.
Now, the apartment manager has expressed concern over the stickers
on my bf's car.
I went into the office to ask if she needed any help with anything
on the apartment grounds - you know - do some landscaping or something.
She said she needs lots of help but that the apartment complex owners
will not give her the resources (people) she needs.
Then she said, "By the way, your boyfriend seems to have quite a lot
of nasty stickers on his car..."
I drew a deep breath. I wasn't expecting this.
I haven't had my lifestyle or my partner's or my friends' lifestyles
actively questioned since Columbine happened in 1999.
So I told her simply that he has a morbid sense of humour, and that
the stickers are basically a big in-joke to the role playing game
(Cthulhu) that he plays with his friends.
She replied, "So...he's not a Satanist then, is he?"
So then I had to stand there for a good ten minutes, explaining
role playing games, the gothic subculture, the dark view of life
we take in order to appreciate beauty in life, Satanism and the
fact that one first has to have been a Christian to then go on
to be a Satanist (because Satan doesn't exist outside of Christianity
...well..by that name anyway), and generally defend our whole way
of life in front of this woman in an attempt to not be thrown out
over this later on because a bunch of scared Christians can't cope
with their imaginations.
After which, she said that I'd explained things very nicely and
that she had a better understanding and she doesn't feel bad at
all....BUT..."several people have come in to my office asking if
we have a Satanist on the property, and I told them 'no I don't
think so, he's a very nice fellow...I wouldn't suspect him of
that'..."
Which basically meant that the issue is not resolved, and could
flare up again at any time, and could get to the point of us
having to use legal means to keep the scared Christians away from
us or trying to evict us from our home.
Also, I walked away from the conversation very pissed off about
the last statement she'd made: "he's a very nice fellow...I wouldn't
suspect him of that..."
Oh, so Satanists are always mean evildoers? Pardon me, but I know
quite a few Satanists and most of them are very nice people. There
are no more mean Satanists in the world than there are mean Christians.
But of course that's not the image that a Christian would hold, and
the apartment manager DID specifically say in the course of our
discussion that she considers herself to be a Christian, even though
she doesn't go to Church.
I'm just tired of this. I should NEVER have to explain my bf's
lifestyle or religion, nor should I have to explain my own. But
the fact that we are living together makes us responsible FOR
each other. The fact that we always wear black, and the fact
that we are both athiest (I didn't bother to tell the landlady
that we're athiest - it's just as bad as being a Satanist), and
the fact that we have morbid senses of humour all make us vulnerable
to punishment, whether legal or not.
Just last week, my bf came home from work and noticed a car follow
him into the gated lot. The car then stopped behind him as he pulled
into his parking space, and the person waited directly behind his
car until my bf got out of the car.
Once out of the car, a woman stepped out of the car behind his and
started questioning him about the stickers on the back of his car.
She said, "Are you really a Satanist?"
He said "Does it matter if I'm a Satanist or not?"
She said, "No really, are you? I'm just curious."
He said, "No, it's just a joke", with an obvious look of disdain
upon his face, and she got back in her car and drove off to her
own parking spot within the apartment complex.
And previous to this incident, he's had his stickers ripped completely
off of his car, or half ripped off where a swear word might have been.
It's just not fair.
First Amendment, anyone?
