zeptember

There’s good news to be had, of course…

B’s dad got out of the hospital yesterday, and they figured out what caused his blood sugar to spike up to 500 in the first place - he was given some kind of prescription-only B vitamin because he was sick with an upper respiratory tract infection. This B vitamin knocked everything out of whack and could have killed him. Ugh. But he’s doing better and is finally out of the hospital.

With B’s paycheck on August 10, we’ve been able to do a full round of grocery shopping again. Hoorah. This lifts both of our spirits a bit.

B was able to give me money to go out dancing both Friday and Saturday this weekend. For the most part, I had fun, but I admit to still being on the melancholy side. For many minutes throughout the night, both nights, one could find me sitting alone in a chair or standing up against the wall, staring off at the crowd. Even though I had friends there to talk to, I felt lonely, isolated. There wasn’t much I felt comfortable talking about with people. I didn’t feel like I had anything smart or witty or worthy to add to conversation.

The ’still not out of the woods’ part is that I haven’t done homework in two days, because there’s other stuff in life that comes up, like wanting to be there for friends who are about to get married. And there’s selfish stuff, like wanting to go to dinner with my husband, and go out dancing. And there’s health management stuff, like having to go to the pain management class on Sundays, and then get the grocery shopping and some housework done for the coming week.
Not getting homework done means guilt creeps back in HARD. And then I pop another Ativan. And then I get too tired (well it doesn’t help that I only had five hours of sleep last night).

The ’still not out of the woods’ part is that my husband is still severely depressed after all he’s been through with my mental breakdown, then nearly losing his father, and the lead singer of his band quitting (haven’t mentioned that til now but it’s also a major part of his depression)…and I don’t know what to do to make him feel better. When I suggested cuddling this morning, he shrugged and grimaced.
My eyes welled with tears and I fled the room.

After a few minutes, we talked about it. We talked it all out. We did get some cuddle time in after that, and it wasn’t forced - he was gonna ask me if I’d still like cuddle time when I had turned to him and burst into tears. So yeah, after talking about it, we cuddled for a bit, and the rest of the day was a tad brighter. I felt like I had my man back again for part of the day.

Now he’s off to game night, which I’m glad is happening, and I hope he has some fun. That’s all he would have needed was for game night to be cancelled yet again.

That leaves me here, free to start homework and get a good six hours of it done.

And yet, I’m melancholy again. Can’t focus. Can’t get started. Want to spend the evening crying.

Maybe I should just do that - get it all out - again. Ugh. So tired of this depression. I thought I was coming out of it. I’ve been taking my vitamins every day. I went and had the ‘hey look at me, I’m still part of a subculture’ boon this weekend. I got to be a foodie with my husband and eat out at Thai and Sushi restaurants again this weekend cuz he had the money for it. We have a freshly stocked pantry and refrigerator because my husband has money for it.

Has my depression just turned into PMS, because I’m due to menstruate in the next four days?
Did I screw my hormonal balance up by having one small glass of red wine on Friday night, and one small glass of red wine on Saturday night? Did I screw up my mental state by taking Tylenol 3 at 4am for the moderate, nagging low back pain and knee pain caused by the dancing I did on Friday and Saturday?

Gah. I wish I knew what is too much, what is the wrong way, what is verboten. I wish I had an accurate owner’s manual to this body.

I put myself on the waiting list for free psychological counseling through Harborside Health Center. This week I will give the Magellan psychologist a call to schedule meeting with her. I also filled out a form detailing the bad experience I had with the CBD bought at Harborside, as I am part of their patient research - I’m a willful guinea pig for the CBD - now they get the bad feedback on it. I’m likely the teeny tiny less than one percent rare side effects person in the study. I always am. But they need to know. I’m just glad Harborside offers other services besides cannabis medication. Today was the Alexander Technique class. I would like to check out their yoga sessions, too.

Right now, I’m gonna do some light housework to prepare for the coming week. This is the week I need to re-establish getting up as though I’m going to work, so I can get my body back in rhythm for that.

Then we’ll see if I’m up for getting some more homework done. I’ve learned that forcing myself through the homework only makes me go deeper into depression and tantrum mode, so I’m gonna do what I can, if I can get stuff done. And I’m going to have to be okay with that.

Alcohol is a central nervous system (CNS) depressant. I blacked out on alcohol last Saturday night and spent the entire next day on bedrest, I was so hung over. As of today, I’m still dehydrated. It is not a surprise that I’m also seriously depressed since Sunday.

I had my head shrink appointment yesterday and talked a little about what happened. I expected the shrink to listen to me, but instead she spent the hour interjecting her assumptions about my behaviour, and also disbelieving my reasons and insecurities. She’s never been this bad, before. I was highly annoyed by this, and finally told her to STOP.
I told her I don’t think we’re a good fit and that I’m really doubting whether to continue with her.

Examples of the things she said to me was:

“You didn’t HAVE to go to your husband’s reunion - he makes enough money, he could have just let it go.”
NO, I committed to go and wanted to go to show support for him. He was really anxious and nervous himself about this. And although he makes “enough money”, he can be very frugal, and has actually been QUITE frugal since finally realising that I’ve become financially dependent upon him because my job pays jack shit and I’ve spent the last three years trying to make a living outside of dotcom work so that I don’t end up in a fucking padded cell.

“You could have left the room / left the reunion all together once you were attempting to take that first drink”.
NO, I couldn’t - when the anxiety sets in that way, I become rooted and fixed, like a deer caught in headlights. I endure rather than extricate. That is what my mind does to me. I’ve been going over this with you from session one.
That woman actually argued with me on this, and kept saying, “yes, yes you could have left, I think it would have been okay.”

HELLO! NOT LISTENING!!!

She began to plead with me to try rehab and at this point I got verbally combative with her. I had full on attitude at this point. Not using expletives or calling her names or anything like that - just being VERY assertive in my refusal and saying I don’t CARE about anyone else’s sob story in group therapy, it’s a total waste of my time and energy when I’m telling you up front that I’m not on board with it, and besides, sending me to a group type therapy situation when I have severe social phobia is counterproductive and will lead me into the bottle faster than you can say BOO.

And then she wanted to talk about my dysfunctional fundamentalist family again. She returns to this subject every time we’re in session. I told her she’s fascinated by this story of mine. She called my family ‘tragic’.
I told her having to talk about my upbringing and my family has dredged up a lot of anger and anxiety. I told her I came to therapy to discuss my social anxiety issues - the anxiety which leads me to drink alcohol when I’m out. I told her the family issues are a whole other topic.

Again she went back to false assumptions about my social alcoholic behaviour and I had to tell her to STOP. I told her she can’t ever think I’m making progress, and she can’t ever assume that a certain social situation WILL lead me to drink. I cited several examples of where I’d be led to drink in one case but not in the other, for the same type of event or outing.
She responded with “it makes it very hard to treat you.”

WELL! I’m so sorry I’m not nicely fitted into one of your psychological DSMs!

We ended the session with her asking me what my availability is for next week. I responded, “bedridden”. It’ll be george time again.
She penciled me in sometime during the first week of November, but I am now seriously doubting whether I want to continue with this woman.

I feel like I’m left to fight through my social phobia alone, once again.

In other news, I have not gotten another canker sore since Saturday. I threw away the chapstick with clove oil, thinking perhaps my body is allergic to it, or that it had become contaminated. And I’ve been rehydrating with pedialyte and with electrolyte water since Sunday.

The depression is the worst, right now.

We’re four days from our one year wedding anniversary, and I have no interest in celebrating it. There’s a big ugly reason in there too that I don’t want to get into. The hint is trust - ruined in May, 2009.

We’re ten days away from Halloween and have no definite plans for that day/night, or that weekend for that matter. We have barely decorated the house this year. The haunted backyard isn’t happening because no one had time to give to it this year (but I’ve been fine with that - just wanted to note that it’s not happening in case I look back and say, “what, did you cancel your haunted backyard due to depression?” No, it got cancelled and I am actually happy about that).

I need to get past this bout of depression.

I told my therapist what I need right now is ativan to help me because I’m either going to continue to get into that bottle to manage my anxiety and stress, or I’m going to continue taking vicoprofen to calm the hell down, when vicoprofen is supposed to be for my endometriosis pain, NOT stress.

She wrote a letter to my doctor urging him to prescribe ativan for me, then gave me a lecture on how not to abuse it. I rolled my eyes at her and told her I’ve been on this for short term periods less than a handful of times in my life. I basically told HER to chill out.

Seriously. She’s fired. I’m looking for a new shrink.

Two more things - my eyes are still weeping sticky, itchy goo, and yesterday the goo went from clear-coloured to white. I’ve been using Naphcon-A allergy eye drops since yesterday but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. I made an appointment to see my eye doctor - that appointment is tomorrow.

I’ve also been wracking my brains as to what’s causing me to be so sensitive suddenly to chemicals. I had a disturbing revelation yesterday - I likely caused this myself by consenting to have my house sprayed down with Deltamethrin to rid us of the severe ant problem we had over the summer. The ant spraying happened in late August or early September, and after all the bitching I did about having autoimmune issues and not wanting the spray, I not only caved in and allowed it, I actually WALKED IN DURING THE SPRAYING because I forgot something petty before leaving the house. I had my nose and mouth fully covered by two shirts when I walked in, but still.
If the initial exposure didn’t do it, perhaps coming back to the house several hours after spraying did it and I’m just that sensitive, like I had feared. We should have stayed out of the house with the cats overnight.

I have had a lot of self-hatred going on lately, which magnifies the depression. Let’s see if I make it out alive.

On Saturday I got in to see the doctor to find out if I still had pink eye. I had woken up with crusties in my eyes that morning, and I was still experiencing light sensitivity and itchy eyes, but they never got that stereotypical red gross infected look the entire time I’ve had pink eye. My eyes looked bloodshot at times but even that was fleeting.

Before going to the doctor’s office, another canker sore popped out.
The doctor I saw was not the same doctor I saw last time (it’s always whoever is on duty). She told me that my lymph nodes were swollen again, and that a canker sore MIGHT cause the lymph nodes to be swollen. More than that, she said that a virus MIGHT ALSO cause a canker sore. The previous doctor had said a canker sore would NOT cause swollen lymph nodes, and had said that canker sores are NOT caused by viruses.

The doctor examined my eyes and said I was over the worst of it, and cleared me to go out in public without running the risk of infecting people. She said point blank that I was no longer contagious but that I should continue to practice frequent hand washing until the virus has run its course.

I showed her the canker sore and she said any stress, mentally or physically on the body, could cause canker sores. She said having a virus is a stress on the body.

I told her about the eye drops feeling like they were making my eyes worse, and how I got diarrhea and sore throat - I told her I suspect those are side effects to the eye drops because I discontinued the drops for over 24 hours and the diarrhea and sore throat cleared. I began using the eye drops again and got the same side effect the next morning - that morning of the doctor appointment.
The doctor examined my throat and found that it was indeed inflamed. She told me it was okay to discontinue the eye drops and that no replacement antibiotic drops were necessary, and she said her staff would dispose of the drops (I had brought them with me).

At the close of the visit, we went over my blood test results - the thyroid and the liver blood panels came back perfect. I asked the doctor if I was in the high end of normal or the low end of normal for the thyroid panel - she said I was smack in the middle of normal. Hooray! But boo! I was kinda hoping that I could explain some of the pelvic pain away with a thyroid issue, but I guess my thyroid is fine. Which means the endometriosis is still rife within me. Simply taking a thyroid medicine won’t help rid me of the pain. I need to get another surgery to carve out the endometriosis, if it is even able to be carved out.
Ugh. Surgery. Ugh, being cut open. Ugh, $1,500 or more out of pocket co-pay. Ugh, two solid weeks off work again. Ugh, recovery is a bitch. You see why I’d rather it have been a thyroid issue which I could just take a pill for?
I’m not giving up on the thyroid issue, dammit. My ‘normal’ body temperature is around 97.5°F. THAT screams hypothyroidism.

I got home from the doctor’s office and told my husband the good news - I could accompany him to his 20-year high school reunion, because the doctor said I was no longer highly contagious.

However, as the day progressed, the canker sore got bigger, and bigger and for the first time since I began getting the canker sores, this one actually hurt.

We went out that night and I fell off the wagon. I drank about a bottle to a bottle and a half worth of red wine. I am told I did not make an ass out of myself and that although visibly drunk I was on par with everyone else - and fine in that regard - all night. I blacked out toward the end of the night though. I don’t remember anything. Next memory I have is of me puking in the bathroom sink.
I got drunk because I was experiencing social phobia, and I was triggered by being in the same room with some of the people who tormented my husband in high school. This triggered me because my 20-year high school reunion was last month and I did not go to it because I still harbour resentment towards many of my class mates for how much they picked on me. That and I just couldn’t afford to fly out there.

The thing is, this morning from the time I woke up, I have not been this sick since I overdosed on LIQUOR.
But all I drank all night was wine.
Today I have been severely nauseated and have had the spins for the entire day. It was so bad that I remained bedridden all day. I barely ate anything. Even drinking water was difficult because of how nauseous I’ve been.
My husband took a shower and when he got out and returned to the bedroom to get dressed, I was overwhelmed with fragrance emanating from him. It was just his shampoo. It wasn’t even the horrid hair product which has keeled me over in the past. Just the fragrance in his shampoo set me off today and I staggered out of the bedroom choking for air and went and laid on the couch after setting up a fan to blow cool air in from outside.

This is really disconcerting for me. If I suddenly can no longer handle the fragrance in shampoo, it really is time to switch to a scent-free household. Last week it was the hand lotion a teacher gifted me with, which just the week before had been fine. Now suddenly the scent made me gag and gave me headaches. Yesterday we went to Sephora so I could buy new makeup (because when you get pink eye, you have to throw away your makeup), and being in that store gave me a headache and it was difficult to breathe. I did not have that problem the last time I was in that store, which was a couple of months ago.

What triggers multiple chemical sensitivity like that? Is it because I caught a virus? Will I go back to being able to handle the scent in my husband’s shampoo or is it a permanent new sensitivity?

I was able to calm my tummy for a bit with some lemongrass/chamomile tea, and by dinnertime I was actually hungry. My husband got us some thai food - I ate a little bit of vegetable pad thai and drank some thai coconut soup, and then my stomach became all unsettled again. I took some ginger tea that my husband brought home, and that helped.

But seriously? This sick off of wine?
Either I really have lost any sense of booze tolerance or someone put something in my drink last night. I don’t dare try to find out which it was. I just don’t want to drink booze of any sort. I want this feeling of avoidance to stay with me.

The canker sore popped sometime between last night and this morning. It left a crater, which is still painful and irritated.

Nice going on the one sick to another, there.

And I was hoping to have a few weeks with good health before the pelvic pain returned. Instead, I’ve been wrestling with a virus caught from work and social alcoholism. Way to go.

Just…don’t do that again.

I have no idea if I’ll be well enough to return to work tomorrow, which stresses me out.

Little things are happening every day that turn out to be big issues for me. I can barely keep on top of it. I’m keeping a running log of things. I’m scared. I have had canker sores for almost a month now, when I never get them, and I’m told it’s nothing to worry about. But other stuff is going on with my body on top of that. SOMETHING is going on, goddammit.

On September 18, I got a canker sore on the inside of my bottom lip. It went away by the next day but then I got another one all over again.

On September 20th, I began getting moderate pain in my upper left shoulder blade and in through the back of my ribs. My shoulders tightened and my back went out for a bit. I was on Tylenol 3 all day.

On September 21st, the shoulder/back pain was intermittent. A third canker sore popped out. This is the same day I found out one of my students had hand, foot and mouth disease, so I went to the doctor right after work. I was told I did not have cold sores which are contagious, that it is in fact canker sore, which is not contagious. I was also told that I *am* fighting something, because my lymph nodes were swollen. I did not have a fever.

On September 22nd, my shoulders were sore and I woke up with shin splints. The canker sore was going away but was replaced by another one - this time under the back left side of my tongue (back by my molars).

Then it all cleared up - the back and neck pain dissipated and went away, and so did the canker sores.

On September 25th, I experienced dizziness as I was leaving a friend’s house, and had to grab hold of the wall for support.

On October 7 I ate corn tortilla chips with guacamole, lettuce, jalapenos, extra cheese, pico de gallo, and red chip sauce. I had orange juice to drink.
Within the hour, I had diarrhea twice, and felt really wiped out. I went to bed.
Upon waking the next morning, I had loose stool but not quite diarrhea.

On October 6 or 7, my left thumb split open again and began hurting, so I’ve had a bandaid on it ever since. When I get a G.I. reaction to food and my fingers also split open, it’s because of a food allergy. Am I now allergic to corn, too?!??

On October 6, I got a canker sore around 1pm. It cleared up by the next day. This is the fourth or fifth canker sore I’ve had since September 19th.

October 7 - I bicycled to work wearing a pair of slightly tight jeans. There was not enough room for my legs in the jeans to pedal without stressing the knees a bit. By the time I got home from work, my knees were very sore. I live only a mile from work.

October 8 - I drove to work instead of bicycling, because my knees were hurting so much from the previous day. I have congenitally misaligned knees and with that, osteoarthritis, which has been present since childhood. I was on doctor’s orders NOT to participate in some gym activities since grade school because of my bad knees.

October 8 - In direct contradiction to what my body needed (rest), I scrubbed the kitchen floor when I got home from work. I was on my hands and knees for part of the time, and bending/squating for part of the time.

October 8 - I had a bowl of pumpkin ice cream for dinner (cow’s milk). I ate two lactaid pills before eating the ice cream. Noting here in case an allergic reaction presents itself.

October 9 - I bicycled to and from work, and worked an entire day. My lower back, upper legs and knees ached from floor scrubbing the day prior.
Another canker sore popped out.
When I got home from work, I walked half a mile to my shrink, and back again. When my husband got home from work, we walked half a mile to dinner, and back again. My body ached and emotionally I felt very depressed, even before the shrink appointment. This translated to high anxiety by nighttime, and my entire back was sore/tight.

October 10 - I woke feeling like a mack truck ran over me, but got in the shower and got dressed. The canker sore from the 9th went away just in time for a new canker sore to pop out. I made a doctor appointment to follow up on the canker sores and swollen lymph nodes. Drove the half mile to the doctor’s appointment and back again because my lower back and legs ached too much to walk.
Was told lymph nodes are fine. Talked to doctor at length about autoimmune issues. Told the doctor that I’ve been getting thyroid testing for the past 8 years and it always comes back within the normal range, whatever that is. She searched my file on their network and found the blood panels, and told me that I’m actually on the low end of normal, which is hyperthyroidism. She told me that in recent years there’s been a raging debate about what constitutes ‘normal’ in thyroid panels. I checked and the only symptoms I exhibit for hyperthyroidism would be the anxiety and palpitations - this has been going on for years…we’re talking upwards of almost two decades.

I got scripts for thyroid and liver enzyme blood draws. This time the thyroid draw will be more in depth than previous years.
Got mad at my body for aching so went walking with my husband. Walked for just over 1 mile round trip, and it hurt. I had to sit down and rest half-way through, and let my husband window-shop.
Went out that night. Moderate anxiety. Severe back pain, starting in low back, spreading to entire back. Was on vicoprofen all night.

October 11 - had a massage at 11am which was nice and relaxing. Drank trader joe’s bedtime tea after the massage. Was mostly relaxed and mellow for the rest of the day. Went to a housewarming party in town, then drove alone across the bay bridge to SF for a friend’s birthday party. The party was sadly very small but at the same time, continued mellow for me. Got home by 10:30pm but didn’t get to sleep til about 11:30pm. Low anxiety day.

October 12 - was tired all day as a result of being up an hour and a half past bedtime the night before, but that’s the worst of it. The mellow continued throughout the day. There were only ever six children in my class at one time, instead of 12, because the head teacher was out sick. On the way home I got the blood draw done and spent the evening doing laundry. The night ended on a bad note because husband came to bed with a chemical in his hair that makes me choke for air. He gets super defensive every time I tell him I cannot breathe when he applies that stuff. I had to wear a dust mask and sleep cocooned. I wanted to cry, I was so mad at him.

October 13 - canker sore popped out sometime before 11am on the inside of my lip - it’s always in the same place. I had applied Burts Bees lip balm to my lips about an hour beforehand - is that what’s causing it? Threw lip balm away. A small sore erupted on my right index finger by noontime, and was painful. It did not bleed but looked like an open sore.
Mucous-like sticky substance along with tears poured suddenly from my right eye around 2:45pm. Happened a couple of times before I got out of work at 4:30pm, then happened while at my shrink appt around 6:15pm, then again just as I arrived home around 6:30pm. This time it was accompanied by itching and burning. The frequency of the goo increased dramatically after that, and continued through the night. Called in sick to work, then called the doctor, who said it’s likely contagious pink eye, not allergic reaction pink eye like I was hoping. She called in a prescription for antibiotic drops but says it’s more likely a virus than bacterial, but that I should do the drops just in case. First eye drops applied around 11:30pm.

October 14 - Off work. Woke with eyes trying to stick shut. More eye drops applied, and continuing every 5 hours, 4x/day, for the next week.
Noticed a small “strawberry” on my left breast while in the shower - no lumps or thickening of the breast detected upon inspection.
Yet another canker sore, taking the place of the one that popped out and cleared up the day before.
The sore on my right index finger began healing but was still tender to the touch.

For the past six months, since working close to home and not having a daily commute anymore, I have not listened to the news on the radio.

I don’t have regular television to watch news - we only have DVD and VCR hookup - we don’t have cable or satellite TV.

I don’t watch the news in online video feeds.

Every now and then, I’ll google national and world news to see what’s going on, or I’ll see news via posts made in LiveJournal, Facebook or Twitter.

But I have to say, overall I’ve been a much more sane person since cutting two things out of my life:

• working for the computer industry
• listening/reading the news every day

For the past couple of days, I’ve been full on checking the news again, because of the school and health care speeches that President Obama has given, and everything surrounding what’s going on with those speeches - mostly right-wing nut jobs (check it out here, here and here). Since I was paying attention to who said what about the President’s speeches, I thought I’d also check in on national and world news as well.

I’m seriously depressed, now. It’s been no more than 36 hours all told I think, checking the news a few times, and I’m a mess. This world pisses me off. This is why I had stopped paying attention in the first place - I don’t have the energy or health reserves to be absorbing world news and politics.
It wasn’t any one thing - it was all of it: right-wing nut jobs, several child abuse stories, continued horrors of vets returning from war when I know I still have extended family in the military, all kinds of stuff on The Canary Report by a fellow blogger-acquaintance, unemployment stats, continued heat waves, local homophobia, and other news.

I have a daily job that makes me work really hard for eleven effing dollars an hour. I come home exhausted. For up to two weeks out of each month, I am incapacitated in some form by endometriosis, culminating with being bedridden for 1-3 days. I don’t have time outside of my own home life and health issues for much else. I NEED to focus on me and not on the rest of the world. So when I do pay attention to the news, it leaves me emotionally bitter and depressed. And when I’m left like that, I don’t have the extra spoons on reserve to also handle what’s going on in my own life, or my family and friends’ lives. I certainly don’t have the stamina to catch up on my own blog, which captures and reposts the latest news and research surrounding finding a cause and cure for endometriosis.

To try to correct the damage I’ve caused myself over the past couple of days, this evening I took a dose of Happy News. It’s sort of like a news anti-depressant if you will.

I’m not trying to sing LA LA LA! while plugging my ears and pretend nothing’s going on in the world around me. I know there’s a lot of bad and serious shit going down in the world, in the U.S., in the Bay Area, in my town.

I just not the right person to talk to about these things - if I get involved in any way in matters which I feel are completely beyond my control, it will literally take me down emotionally and physically. And I’m too self-preserving to let that happen.

After reading some happy news, I remembered I should be attending a meeting to help get the word out to say NO to a recall of three of my town’s school board members. I panicked a bit, wondered if I should bother now that I was late, but in the end, I bit the bullet of social phobia and walked to the event. I only wanted to bolt from the meeting a few times, but I stayed in my seat. Two of my friends were in the row in front of me but that didn’t stop the social anxiety.
After the meeting, I met and shook hands with one of the board members and got her business card. Wouldn’t you know it? One of her kids used to go to the school I now teach at. Connections are a great thing.

After the meeting, I went to the grocery store and spent an hour trying to figure out the best groceries for me and my food allergies. I still eat a lot of processed foods - still not prepping most of my dishes by hand. Need to work on that. Food prep is calming.

Tonight’s outings more than pass me on the homework I was assigned by my shrink, which was to walk alone around the block as a step in facing my social anxiety.
I know my therapist will be proud of me. The thing is, I know she means well, but she really just doesn’t understand what I go through, and how intermittent it can be, and how debilitating it can be. She may say I’m on the road to recovery but she has no idea. At least, that’s how I feel right now. She’ll view me going out as a huge success, but down the road, it could be a day, a week, a month…I’ll have another social phobia freakout and/or drink myself to blackout again in order to deal with the anxiety. It’s hit and miss.

*sigh* anyway…

Now it’s nearly 11pm and I need to be in bed but for the past three nights, I’ve not been able to fully wind down.

Hot shower, here I come.