Stuff
From May until July I did not get sick. Then I spent a weekend around five sick people and of course I got sick. It’s been two weeks with a cough and lung crap. I heard there’s also an outbreak of whooping cough, but I don’t have a whoop going on, so that’s good.
I took the summer off of work to do head teacher Montessori training. I attended six weeks of schooling. I had my husband’s blessing and over $2,000 from last year’s tax return.
Somehow, all of it got eaten up, plus another $1,000 that my husband had to foot the bill for. I turned in weekly or biweekly bank statements to him, and apprised him as to my spending and eating out and all of that. I told him I needed him to check to make sure it’s all okay. I guess he just trusted that it was. He took the printouts I’d been laying on his desk and just put them in the trash!!!
Without any oversight, I totally went over the limit. I know that there were emergency cat expenses and car expenses thrown in, but it still should not have toppled us the way it did.
My husband has been very upset with me, and I’ve been very upset with him. I’ve told him over the last ten years that we’ve been together that I cannot manage money AT ALL, despite all the methods I have tried. He told me he has no money left, and doesn’t know how he can make rent, and then goes away for a weekend stay in a hotel with his buddies for a gaming group outing.
I was cleaning the bedroom today and found $250 cash just sitting on top of his armoire. And here I am, flat broke, eating macaroni and cheese, not able to go out dancing with friends or buy the groceries I want, because he has refused to put further money into the joint account. When he went grocery shopping for us last night, he got all kinds of snacks for himself and took those to the gaming group, and got nothing for me. I am eating leftovers and mac ‘n cheese, as I said.
As a result, I am dangerously depressed. The other day, I had to force myself to put a razor away, and the entire time it took to walk to the tool box (mere seconds) seemed like an eternity as I struggled against taking the razor from my hand and using it to slice the wrist of the other arm.
Money has always been a huge depression trigger for me. Shame and guilt have always been another trigger. I grew up in poverty and had a mentally ill christian fundamentalist mother.
I realise that these are triggers. I realise I can have power over these instead of the triggers having power over me. It is very difficult to maintain sanity most of the time.
I’m currently taking a break from cleaning the bedroom - it’s another thing I’m pissed about - over the six weeks I was in school, my husband whined about how much housework there was to do, and how he busted his ass, but he never vacuumed behind furniture, never dusted thoroughly, never cleaned the bathroom tub, toilet, sink or walls. I came home with an upper respiratory tract infection already going on, and it’s just gotten worse by living in this filthy house.
My husband laughs and says the house is not filthy. He’s completely insane. I took photos to prove his insanity.
Dust & cat hair
| Dust & cat hair
| It’s been there since July 18. |
Blankets that need washing
| My desk
| Food that went bad while I was away |
Dust
| Dust
| Thick dust on moulding and carpet |
I’m so tired. I get this tired not only when I’m sick, and not only when I’m right off my period like I am, but also when I’m severely depressed.
I’m severely depressed. I’m dangerously depressed. I have no money to go to the doctor. I don’t want anti-depressants. I want anti-anxiety medication. I want safety. I want security. I want to be taken care of. I’m tired of fighting through life on my own. I’m supposed to be married, dammit. I’m supposed to be taken care of. I was promised I’d be taken care of financially and somehow that didn’t work out and now I feel I’m being punished when clearly my husband was as much at fault as I was in not keeping close enough eye on where the money was going. I only spent the money on class tuition and supplies, groceries and eating out, and motels - CRAPPY CHEAP DIRTY MOTELS I might add!
It’s so not fair. I’m so mad and sad, and yet my horoscope says this financial mess will continue through til 2012 on and off, and that I’m to make the best of it in order to come out on top and alright career-wise and finance-wise.
But I can’t do this alone, and it feels like the one person who said he’d be there for me has already abandoned me.
If we weren’t married, I’d be homeless right now. My bank account has less than $300 in it. I have no other money or income right now. Nothing. My credit cards (there are two) are completely maxed out. My husband is paying all the rent, all the groceries, all of his and my bills. If he decides he can’t do it anymore, I’m on the street.
I’m always one step away from being on the street, even in marriage. This is why I am dangerously depressed.
We talked about how things would change financially when we got married. He just refused to pay attention.
What am I going to do when I sign off of my blog today? I’m going to pick at the available food in the house, and I’m going to stare at all of the crap we have, and try to reorganise it somehow. I might even just leave it all as-is, furniture and whatnot askew, and take a nap, and force the husband to Do Something About It when he gets in late tonight from his gaming adventures.
My gods, I sound like a kept Victorian woman. WHERE’S MY LAUDANUM.
Dust & cat hair
Dust & cat hair
It’s been there since July 18.
Blankets that need washing
My desk
Food that went bad while I was away
Dust
Dust
Thick dust on moulding and carpet