zeptember

Oh the things that make my blood boil…

Okay I admit it. I hate Citigroup and want them to conflagrate post haste.

My first reaction upon hearing that the U.S. gubment is giving Citigroup $20bn of the $700bn bailout plan, after having already given them $25bn just last month… was…

WHY CAN’T ANYBODY SEE IT’S DUBYA HUMPING THE SAUDIS AGAIN?!?!?!!

You people DO know that the Saudis are the ones who own citibank, right???

And you DO know that it was the Saudis who were responsible for crashing airplanes into the world trade center in 2001, right???

And it’s not just stopping there! Get this, news flash from within the U.S. this week, A Richardson, Texas-based Muslim charity and five of its former leaders were convicted Monday of funneling millions of dollars to the Palestinian militant group Hamas (Hello, wake up, according to the US State Department, the group [Hamas] is funded by Saudi Arabia, Iran, Palestinian expatriates, and private benefactors in other Arab states…)

I don’t know why this news led me to drink wine shots. I could be like the Average U.S. citizen and not even notice or give a shit. But no…

First I am denied access to a radiologist by my current GYN. I *still* have not gotten a call back from that bitch. It’s been a week and a half out of six so far. I believe she should have sent me to a radiologist right then and there. I continue to believe that she will make me wait the full six weeks before referring me.

So I tried going online through my husband’s insurance carrier to find a specialist. I have to register. Ok fine. But no username I picked would please the fucking website. So I tried calling the insurance carrier. After navigating the automated phone tree, I was dumped into a void - no sound - but the call was still connected. After a couple of minutes, I hung up in anger.

Anger.

I am mad. I am mad a lot, lately.

I am convinced the anger is a reaction to the fucking cyst pressing on my fucking ovary and/or uterus and messing with my entire emotional state. Lord knows how long this fucker has been growing… let’s look up how long it takes for one of these things to develop.

…well I started this journal entry at 1:34pm on November 18, 2008, and the research took longer than anticipated. I often look up stuff while journaling. But the baby I care for woke up and now I’m back on the job. More later.

November 19, 2008
I still have not been able to determine how long it takes for a cyst to develop and grow to 4cm in size. All the websites I’ve looked at tell me an ovarian cyst starts at one cycle and may continue to grow, but so far I’ve not found any sort of growth rate discussion.
So I have no idea - the cyst could have started last January for all I know, and grown bigger over time as my stress level increased. Most sites I’ve looked at tell me that stress is a huge factor in the creation of painful ovarian cysts, along with having Endometriosis.

Another thing that made me very angry while researching yesterday:
I did a google keyword search for “ovarian cyst psychological”. Two titles caught my eye: “The Only Proven Cures for Ovarian Cysts” and “Complex Ovarian Cyst - Causes and Risks”. Turns out, when you click through, the first one is at buzzle.com and the second one is at ezinearticles.com, but both lead to another click - directing me to that which both sites are quoting from. As soon as I landed on this website, I knew by the layout that it was an ad pitch. I knew that I was not going to be happy by the time I got to the bottom of the page, but I started reading, anyway, in case I could glean any new education about ovarian cysts.

OF COURSE I WAS WRONG.

The website does a really good job of citing piercingly accurate statements about what is going on with one who has ovarian cysts. This draws one in further, because she can totally identify. I found myself saying “YES! Exactly!” at different points on the page, while still remaining skeptical that the author would give any actual ADVICE away. I was right. The author kept referring to info she found out over time from publicly available documents in libraries and such as SECRETS. At the end of the article was her pitch for an e-book, which costs $39, which would reveal these so-called secrets.

I became enraged.

I have a website called Living With Endometriosis, which is a compilation of publicly available information as I discover it, to help others out there with Endometriosis. Sure, I spend hours and days of my life to research this information for free, but it is firstly hours well spent to educate MYSELF in order to try to heal or treat ME.
There is nobody out there who is going to pay me for researching stuff that will help me. The nice thing to do once I have this information, is not to keep it to myself, but to share it with others.

FOR FREE.

BECAUSE I GOT THE INFORMATION I SHARE FOR FREE.

That’s the splendor of the Internet, folks - sharing information freely.

Not so with this Mary Parker woman, who is obviously a selfish, greedy bitch. Anyone who has a website design like that is selling snake oil.

Called the GYN again today. Left yet another message, this time demanding my radiology appointment be moved up from the 6 weeks she wanted to … ASAP. We’ll see how this goes and whether I have to find a new GYN yet again.

I lost count of how many GYNs I’ve been through for the Endometriosis since actively pursuing a diagnosis and treatment. Let’s think…

Dr. Sharon Knight at UCSF who suggested I only have Dysmenorrhea and refused to schedule a laparoscopy, but who gave me a cervical biopsy without any anasthesia and I had no one to take me home but myself.
Dr. Kent J. Farney in Alameda who suggested I have a STD rather than Endometriosis. I filed a formal complaint against him.
Dr. Marilyn Milkman at UCSF / Mt. Zion who performed my surgery but then dropped me cold once the hormonal therapy wasn’t working and I refused to try further hormonal treatments.
Dr. Lisa Bernard-Pearl at Sutter East Bay Medical who gave up on me after several iterations of different pain meds didn’t work out for me, and is now ignoring my pleas to have the radiology appointment sooner than 6 weeks for a 4cm ovarian cyst in the same ovary that was twisted behind my uterus at time of surgery. Let me state again that 4cm is the threshold for cancer concern.

And those are only the specialists. I shudder to think how many general practice doctors I have had over the years who I tried to get treatment for the Endometriosis from, who gave up on me before even referring me to a GYN specialist.

I have new health insurance through my husband, so now I get to review his health plan’s doctors and specialists. Good times.

I have a gut feeling I’ll get cancer in a predisposed area of my body courtesy the Endometriosis, and die of it before I ever get the help I need. My astrological natal chart strongly supports this gut feeling.

Ever since getting diagnosed with a 4cm ovarian cyst on November 7th, I’ve had pain consistently since then.

I did have a good couple of days this weekend that were partly pain-free with regards to the ovarian cyst. But then the pain returned today. I was at a baby shower sitting on a hard chair when the pain hit. I got up and paced around for a bit in another room, then stood through the rest of the event. I had to take 800mg Ibuprofen halfway through the event because of the pain.

The pain feels like it is in both ovaries, now, and I still have the low back pain. Within 4 hours of taking the Ibuprofen, I took half a Tylenol 3. It is not good to take medication right now, because I’m on the herbal detox program, trying to clean out my kidneys and liver, and the medication is what puts a load on the kidneys and liver.

On Friday I had called my GYN again - I’d been leaving messages all week - and finally got through to someone who told me the blood test I took came back fine. That is, I am not anaemic.
But I wanted to know, why do I have to wait 6 weeks to be checked again if the ovarian cyst is already at 4cm? From all that I’m reading, 4cm is the threshold for when one should get a radiology appointment for cancer screening. I want that screening NOW, not in 6 weeks.
I was told I’d get a call back. I never did.

I will call my GYN again tomorrow and try again to be seen earlier than 6 weeks.

The pain is with me every day when I have to sit in my car and drive (an hour or longer each way, depending on traffic). The pain occurs whenever I sit on hard surfaces or have to lean forward, or twist my torso.

The pain feels like I have a full stomach, a full bladder, and am constipated. But I am not constipated because on the herbal detox program, I’ve been having a movement up to 3 times per day.

The pain went away on Friday evening and then returned here and there on Saturday, leaving again by Saturday evening, then returning again by afternoon today.

I’ve never had pelvic region pain last this long before. I want this cyst to be reabsorbed already, dammit. I fear I’ll have no reprieve from the pain before my next menstrual cycle, and that REALLY pisses me off.
George is slated to arrive Thanksgiving Day weekend, and again for Christmas. I’m really just NOT happy right now to also be hosting a huge fucking ovarian cyst which takes any uptime away from me inbetween the downtime.

I am hopping mad.

This is a partial list of those who supported Proposition 8.

I am incredulous at the companies, including the people representing the companies who have such hatred for those who just want to marry their beloved.

You are your company. If you give hundreds or thousands of dollars and list the company you work for, you are saying the company supports prop 8 as well. And for that, I shall boycott your company - that is - if I’m not already boycotting you for being a dumbass elsewhere.

This includes:

Netapp
Novatel
Nvidia
Cisco
Merrill Lynch
Health Net
McKesson
Seagate
Deloitte & Douche
Delta Dental
Bank of America
Honeywell
Intel
Wells Fargo
Remax
K-Swiss
Activision
Taco Bell
Wachovia
Walt Disney
Herbalife
Bolthouse Farms
A-1 Self Storage
Manchester Grand Hyatt
Crystal Springs Foundation (their ‘friends of’ include Nestle Waters which owns Calistoga, Arrowhead, Perrier, San Pellegrino and others, but that’s not all! The ‘friends’ list is worth checking out. Any friend of theirs is NOT a friend of mine.)

Other donors who need calling out:
USAF
various daycares and school districts!!!
Cal State Univ Chico
Northrop Grumman

Gotta check with B to see who our health carrier and dental carrier is. And it’s a good thing my BofA card is almost paid off so I can close the account entirely.

As to all the computer companies, ugh - I’ll find a way around it. Used parts? That’s how our Cabal works normally anyway.

And WTF is up with Walt Disney? What happened to Gay Day? And isn’t Delta Dental a supporter of Gay Day in the park? WTF PEOPLE!

Fuck you, Samuel Wurzelbacher.

I’m home this morning, stoned out of my head on Tylenol 3 for the Endometriosis pain, and the phone rings. It’s some collection agency trying to collect over $160 from the abusive E.R. visit which happened six months ago already.

They said they’ve not had the correct home address and wanted it.

I told them I got the doctor bill just fine and paid it, and it was only $16, not no $160…
They told me THIS bill is the HOSPITAL bill, and is different from the doctor bill.

I told them I’m not paying it, because I was mistreated at the hospital.

The guy on the line tried to threaten me with “ok so this will go on your credit report…”

I retorted with “No it won’t because you’re going to talk to the hospital and they’re going to waive this because as I stated, I was mistreated at the hospital.”

I ended up hanging up on the guy and calling Alameda hospital.

I got similar treatment - they have my old address, they want my new address. Why did I get the doctor bill just fine to my new address then? “Well that was the doctor bill, this is the hospital bill and we don’t have your new address…”

What the fuck kind of lazy assholes don’t update between doctor billing screen and hospital billing screen?!?!? How is that my problem?

I told the lady I’m not paying the bill because I was mistreated. She asked condescendingly who I had talked to at the hospital. I told her I went all the way to the top and spoke to Dr. Otani.

That shut the bitch up. Her tone dropped a bit and she said “…oh.”

Now I am waiting for a callback from Dr. Otani’s office and we’ll go through this again.

And the resolution will be, NO, FUCK YOU, EAT A DICK, I’M NOT PAYING IT.

2:01pm Edit: Janet Dyke from Alameda Hospital just called back to clarify my home address and waive the hospital bill. She apologised for the bill collectors. I told her I’m not afraid of them and knew I’d get it all straightened out with her office. This is the same woman who I spoke with way back in April, who got me to Dr. Otani, the director of E.R.
She remains very empathetic and upbeat.
I double checked and yes, I do have a current valid care plan on record with the hospital, so if I take my meds and still have crushing pain, I can go to E.R. and receive an injection, no questions asked, and be made comfortable. They have all my documentation on file that I sent them to set up this care plan back in April.

MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED.

The pain got worse today and I asked to work a half a day.

I’ve had symptoms for two weeks leading up to today and was positive that I was going to be early. Nope! Not early. As a matter of fact, I might be late. However, the pain is kicking my ass as if I’m menstruating. Such is the life of a person who suffers from Endometriosis.

I was literally holding on with dear life to the railing on the stairs as I carried the baby I look after upstairs to her play room, because the pain and weakness had gotten so bad. I was gasping from sharp knifing pains zipping through my ass and across my pelvic region. Every time I gasped, the baby spun her head and just looooked at me. Poor kiddo.

And the irony of that? Just this morning I had a burst of “Hey! I’m okay! I feel great!” and took the baby for a stroller ride around the block.

“Around the block” in this neighborhood means steep hills.

Well, on the downhill back towards her house, my legs went weak. That’s always the first sign for me that the pain is going to be bad, and soon.

I took it VERY slow.

On the next uphill as the last leg of the journey back to her house, I was okay on and off. Got her back into the house and that’s when the arse pain started. When the baby woke from her nap, I wanted to cry, because I knew picking her up was gonna kill me.

Babies are good at sensing when something is wrong, too. She gave me a worried look and I had to force a smile and reassure her so she’d not start crying. Poor babies are so empathic that way.

And upstairs we went with me holding on with dear life to the railing as I said earlier.

Thankfully, I did get my half day - her daddy came home early to relieve me. Now I dig in for a very long couple or few days of worsening pain and staring at the walls high on drugs (and not even the good kind). You’d think with this downtime, I could get some shit accomplished. Oh hell no. I can’t focus for anything. Tylenol 3 makes me drooly and out of focus.

Speaking of out of focus, that’s what the world looks like when I’m in pain from the Endometriosis.

Everyday people see this:

I see this:

Like another friend in pain right now, I’m totally caving in to cravings, which will ultimately make the pain worse. That’s one of the biggest challenges we face - and for me anyway, I get to a point where I think,

“fuck dietary restriction! I’m gonna die someday anyway, who knows when! Might as well live for the now!

I don’t want to meticulously monitor after my diet until all I’m left with is rice porridge because everything else sets off the Endo, or worse, until my body goes ahead and gets cancer anyway like it’s predisposed to with this illness.”

So it’s hard for me to focus when I get in a funk like that. Say like, right now…

Two days ago I went to a salon and asked for streaks of various reds. I’d talked with my hairdresser a month previous about what exactly I wanted, and she’s given me purple streaks before, so I felt confident in her abilities.

She royally fucked it up!!!!

She gave me various auburn, brown and strawberry blonde HORIZONTAL PATCHES instead of streaks. She tried to fix it by redyeing my hair on the same day, which fixed the massive blonde spot on the top of my head by turning it a darker red, but it didn’t fix the fact that it’s a PATCH, not several streaks. And now my hair feels fried and my scalp IS DEFINITELY burned and painful.

What does one do to fix it (aside from setting your hairdresser on fire)?

How soon can more dye be applied? I will be appealing to my LiveJournal friends.

My man says it doesn’t look bad but if it was vertical streaks I was looking for? epic fail.

I paid $140 for this. Some sort of ass kicking is in order.

Pix of the train wreck:

And this is what I printed out and handed to the hairdresser to describe what I wanted done, specifically mentioning in detail to her that I wanted firey flamey red streaks; with bright copper, ‘fire engine red’, strawberry blonde and auburn streaks.

I am 19 days away from my wedding and this type of fuckup has me freaking the fuck out. I’ve been hyper concerned about my appearance - from dry skin patches and dermatitis on my face and hands, to the proper way to keep lipstick on all day, to having hair in perfect NON FRIED condition. And I feel like no matter what I do, it’ll turn out horrible on the day of the wedding.