zeptember

Just finished my first full week on the new job.

In one week I’ve gotten plugged ears from having to wear earplugs all day after having my eardrums pierced by screams of a 6-month-old for two days straight. She screams all day because she misses her mother. She’s inconsolable. I’ve tried everything within humane ability to calm the child - to no avail.

In one week I’ve gained weight rather than losing it.

In one week I’ve gotten very sore calves and shins from hiking with a stroller up suburban sidewalks and roads that I estimate to be 10 to 15% gradient steep.

So I should be losing weight. But I get home from work and chow down on fatty and sugary foods for comfort. I’ve been officially depressed since Wednesday, the day of my birthday. My man took me out for drinks and dinner that night, and I overdid it. I woke with thee worst headache and the spins around 4am. Great going.

I don’t think I’ve had a healthy meal once this week. This child doesn’t even let me have time to eat a meal in silence. Even when she’s sleeping, unless the stroller is continually moving, she wakes up and the screaming starts again. So I get no break. I have to move the stroller. It’s hard to prepare food for lunch and type up how the day is going when having to keep a stroller rocking to and fro. I can’t make any phone calls because the slightest murmur out of me wakes her up and she begins screaming. But noise from passing trucks outside when I’m walking her, or noise from the TV when I’m rocking the stroller back and forth - those are fine for her.

I had a heart to heart with the parent of the child I’m working with, and told her that if the baby doesn’t begin adjusting to me and getting better bottle training from mom and dad this weekend and continuing nightly when I’m not there, then the absolute most I can last will be to mid-October.

I have bruises on my inner thigh where it nearly meets the pubic area because that’s where the baby pounds her feet on me when I’m trying to put her to my shoulder and rock her to calm her down. She has slapped me repeatedly on the arms and face, and has spat food and milk on my shirt, my face, and my coat. Her screams are with such force and shrill that I crack after an hour and a half. I got two full days of work in this week but the other three, I had to call the mother home because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. And to be extra cruel, it’s as if the baby knows I’ve just called mom home, because she settles down in time for mom to walk through the door and give me that look like I’ve just cried wolf.

So today I let the mom hear her baby by phone, rather than texting her or Internet chatting with her about how the day is going.

On Monday, the mother is sending her friend over to give me a break for a bit and we’ll see how that goes. Gotta see if this will be a daily thing or what. I guess it all depends on how it goes on Monday. And on Friday, my friend is bringing her baby over to see if another baby’s face might help calm the girl I’m caring for. There are no parks nearby where other babies would be found playing. There’s an elementary school up the hill, but the kids are not available to play with a baby off the street. They’re in school.

Oh and there’s the bees. I get chased by yellow jackets every fucking time I set foot outside of that house. The hills and brush around where that family lives, all the way down to the shoreline, is teeming with yellow jackets. If they’re not after the milk on the baby’s breath, they’re after my sunblock or my hair or something.

While rushing uphill away from a yellow jacket yesterday, I stepped in dog shit. I began cursing and this woke the baby and for the next half hour, I now had a screaming baby that I had to take back down the 15% gradient hill. People on the street walking their dogs or tending their lawns kept looking at me. They’d look away, then back again as the child screamed and screamed. I would stop the carriage, peek in at her, and she’d scream even harder.

She wants nothing to do with me. So long as I’m behind the carriage, she’s more fine than with me in front of it, but the screaming is a given. This all started on my birthday, because on Monday and Tuesday, I was able to rock her to sleep and she slept on me. I don’t know what the change was.

All I know is, if she doesn’t get used to me soon, I’m resigning. And I’m only doing babysitting gigs until the wedding is over. Maybe even take a break til the end of the year. Who knows.

On a bittersweet note, I like all the exercise I’m getting, and the ocean view I get is really awesome. I will have to take my camera with me next week on the job. Hopefully there will still be some sunny days left, cuz that area is usually fogged in for most of the day. When I used to live down the road from this area back in 2000, I used to joke that I lived in Alaska because of the constant gloom, the fog so dense that it felt like it was raining all the time, and then the rain in wintertime pelting and accompanied by gale force winds.

There is truth to the saying, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.'’

Overall, I had a nice weekend!

Friday in particular was great, because I got a lot of good news that day.

I was told that the company that fired me will settle for the last dollar figure I threw at them, PLUS they will revamp their disability training, PLUS they will remove the ‘fired’ status from my record and call it a ‘voluntary quit’, PLUS they will give a good review for me if employers call for reference check.
HOLY CRAP THOSE THINGS ARE THE VERY LAST THINGS I EVER EXPECTED TO COME OUT OF THAT COMPANY. This excites me to no end to know that they will restructure how they treat disabled people.
I can’t help but wonder if fellow coworkers finally found the bravery to step forward and also complained about how they were being treated.

On Friday, I was able to get a wagon and a boombox on loaner from a friend to use on the AIDS Walk, which I participate in every year.
Also on Friday, I went and did what I threatened to do - go looking for a wheelchair. I posted on freecycle.org looking for a wheelchair - someone actually had one right here on the island! I went and picked it up - it fits in the trunk of my car! I nearly cried, I was so relieved at having found a wheelchair, that it was free, that it was local, and that it fits in my trunk. I had no idea the amount of stress that would be lifted from me in just knowing I have a wheelchair handy in case I’m too debilitated at any event now or in the future. It’s not admitting defeat to my illness - it’s being prepared. *big happy sigh* I just didn’t know what a weight that would lift. I’m so happy.

We spent all of Saturday running around town, preparing for the AIDS Walk and a friend’s birthday party. And then we stopped in at the local German restaurant to see a friend who was celebrating her graduation from massage school. It was a coincidental delight to also see my other friend’s friend playing there that night - his band is called the Frisky Frolics.

We got home with sore feet last night and wondered if we’d be up for the AIDS Walk, after having such a long exhaustive Saturday running all over town. Our feet already hurt from that alone.

But we did it - we got up bright and early this morning and packed up my car with the wagon and a portable ipod speaker system that we got (we decided that would work better than the old boombox, and we can use the ipod thingy for the wedding, too), and we drove off to San Francisco for the AIDS Walk.

We met up with our friends - there were only six of us this year but we still got recognition from some of the other walkers who see us there every year, and we got compliments on our team shirts as usual.

I have blisters on my pinky toes after completing the 10km walk, but otherwise my feet and other toes survived just fine, as did my calves. All that walking the baby around town for my job has really paid off!

I had mild cramps on and off today - mostly when I *wasn’t* walking, but taking a rest. George showed up when I got home and went to a friend’s birthday BBQ party. I have been premedicating with Motrin so when the cramps did finally hit this evening, it’s been mild overall.

Two people were at the birthday party whom I wasn’t expecting to see. Well, one of them I should have known I’d run into sooner or later at this friend’s house, but I just wasn’t thinking. The other one - complete surprise - as I thought she’d moved out of state.
I chose to talk to her - we’d been roommates for a short time, and it went really really badly and I left the situation, and we’d not talked since that time. We never really shared the same circle of friends aside from the second person I didn’t expect to see today, because they’d dated at one time - that’s how I came to know her.
Anyway, she had moved down to L.A., then moved back again. Apparently she’s dating someone within my circle of friends, that’s why she was at the party - she was his date. She told me she was a bit unnerved to see this other person at the party though, too. She chose to talk to him - I chose not to.
It was a decision I made on the spot as soon as I walked into the house and we laid eyes on each other - I just decided to keep smiling like I’d been doing when I walked in, and just walk past him. This means I’m still not ready to talk to him after the big fight we had what was it, six years ago now?

I will respect my decision not to talk to him. One day I may be ready again, but today just wasn’t the day. I was never catty towards him - I simply avoided acknowledging his presence and it appears he did the same. Perhaps he did this because he saw my initial reaction - my smile and eyebrows faded slightly before renewing in a “keep it up, just keep it up, keep walking” giveaway.
Perhaps he’s still mad at me after all these years, too. I’d prefer it if it were mutual, honestly. But then I know I’m not one to let go of grudges very easily. Oh hell who am I kidding. I just don’t let go of grudges.
The fact that I know all this means that maybe one day in the not too distant future, I may acknowledge him, should I run into him at this person’s house again. Maybe. We’ll see how I feel that day.

When I got home, I had an email reply to a video I posted on youtube about a year ago. In this video, we’re at the person’s house whom I did not speak to today. It’s Halloween and another friend is telling a funny filthy story. The person whom I am not speaking to is prominently displayed in the video, standing behind the storyteller, grinning.

So weird that I’d get that today on the same day I ran into this guy. I checked out the youtube comments, it doesn’t appear to be anyone I know or anyone in our circle of friends.
Since I do not believe things JUST happen coincidentally, I ponder, and say again, maybe one day in the not too distant future, I may acknowledge him, should I run into him at this person’s house again. Just found out from my man however that he’s still willing to punch the guy in the throat and had to really restrain himself at the same party today. Still overprotective as ever, I see.

Oh! One last thing! This weekend I went to two different places where alcohol was present, and I did NOT take a full drink. I had nothing to drink last night, and today I only had a couple sips of peoples’ homemade vodkas, just to see what each tasted like. Never even came near catching a buzz. Even in the highly charged social situation where I ran into two unexpected people who at one time hurt me (one much worse than the other), I was not driven to drink. I am very proud of myself for this.

Now if I can just get through the wedding and dealing with family without needing to get drunk. Shit, THEY’LL be drunk, they’re promising it. They’ve said it’s not a wedding if people (themselves) aren’t trashed. Emotional cycles with certain people take longer to change than with others.

Elliptical: 25 minutes at incline 1 and resistance 1, slow to moderate pace, and I STILL managed to pull a muscle in my left calf. 200 calories burned - I quit 5 minutes before the 30-min mark to avoid really screwing myself up.

Arm/Torso machine: 10 minutes on medium-high resistance. 50 calories burned.

Treadmill: 10 minutes at brisk walk (2.5 on the monitor), which actually helped my calf to feel better. 50 calories burned.

After the workout, I went and washed my car, which of course is upper body workout when handling the soap brush and keeping the power wash hose nozzle depressed. Wheeee!

I really need to clean the inside of my car - not that it’s too messy - it’s just that the upholstery hasn’t ever been cleaned and so it kinda smells like old lady in the car.

But first, I’m recharging with breakfast. I ran out of strawberries, apples, walnuts and almonds, so instead of my usual fruit salad, I blended up yogurt, flax seeds and flax oil, honey, cinnamon, a splash of vanilla extract, a splash of orange juice, and a splash of vanilla almond milk. I’m eating 2 fried eggs on top of two gluten-free waffles for protein.

Note to self: pay attention to how you feel after eating the eggs, as they are suspects in a plot to murder you, along with other known killers; caffeine, wheat, yeast, corn syrup, beans and cow milk.

All better today! YAY!

So I went to the gym:

Elliptical: 30 minutes at incline 1 and resistance 2, moderate pace to Industrial music (my normal music choice for workout). 250 calories burned.

Arm/Torso machine: 10 minutes on medium-high resistance. I want to say 32 calories burned but can’t quite remember.

Treadmill: 10 minutes at brisk walk (2.5 - 3.2 on the monitor). Forgot how many calories burned. I want to say 64 calories burned but can’t quite remember.

Now I eat brekkie - fruit, nuts and yogurt.

Elliptical: 30 minutes on incline set to 2 and resistance set to 1. I had fat burn going, and sometimes reached into the cardio area, and generally sweated my ass off. I burned 250 calories.

Torso/Arm rowing: 10 minutes on medium to medium-high resistance. 64 calories burned.

Now it’s T-minus one day til bleedy doom, and I’ve only had very minor symptoms. Much better than some months, when I’m feeling crampy, cranky and rundown a week beforehand! Some months, I’d swear I was 80 years old, my body feels so broken right before the do0m.

Although today at the gym, I could feel the uterine cramps coming on. They were minor but they were there. And I have been SO extremely tired today.

Here’s hoping my descent tomorrow isn’t harrowing.

Today was swim day!

I nearly didn’t get to the gym today, though. I woke up feeling crappy, like george would be here any second. I kept checking myself, and at the last minute said fuckit and went to the gym. I’m glad I did.

Today I:

- Did slow stretches in the water; holding onto the side of the pool with feet planted on wall of pool and slowly extend my legs and butt out - stretches the calves nicely.

- Did slow side stretches using swim board to balance one hand while holding onto the side of the pool with opposite hand. Slowly moved hand on swim board backwards, behind me, to stretch torso and shoulders.
3 times each side.

- Treaded water, doing butterflys and scissor kicks (this makes up most of my swim time so I can strengthen my shoulders, arms, pecs, chest area).

- Marched and jogged in the water.

- Held arms up on side of pool with my back to the wall of the pool, and did slow leg presses in the water. This is difficult! My legs just want to keep floating up! Difficult to force them back downwards! But this is great for the upper legs and for the abs.

- Did one lap with swim board in front of me (this always hurts my neck but is great for stretching the abs. I try to take it very slow and only do half to one lap before the neck complains).

- Did 1 lap of backstroke, 3 times throughout the session but not IN succession (this is MUCH easier on my neck because my head is not arching back as with breast stroke, it’s straighter).

Swimming always exhausts me more than working out on equipment. But it’s a relaxed happy exhaustion, not a FEEL THE BURN exhaustion.

Elliptical - 20 mins on level 2 incline, level 1 resistance at cardio pace (178 calories burned)

Arm rowing/torso - 5 mins on medium resistance (32 calories burned)

Situps - I did 50 today! Very slowly.

Arm rowing/torso - again cuz some guy was camping on the butterfly resistance machine. grrrrr. I did 2.5 mins on medium-high resistance and 2.5 mins on medium resistance (~30 calories burned)

Lateral pulldowns - ~2 mins at 35# weight (surprisingly enough!) - I did 40!
This was on a machine that looks kinda like this.

Leg press - 40 presses at 95#

I have NO idea what’s up with me today, but I am RAR high energy need to GO! RAAARRRR!

Hopefully I didn’t overdo it, but damn, it felt GOOD.

My workout music consists mainly of Industrial and Electronica.

Hm. I seem to have gobbled up my fruity breakfast, and I’m still hungry. Off to toast a gluten free waffle and lay on the almond butter.

I’ve gone to my first Qigong session today - it’s free and open to the public every week, by a woman I met in the business of metaphysics class I attend each month. This is the second Qigong practitioner I’ve met - the first one never called me back.
This woman also does the Chi Nei Tsang - she’s the person I saw last Thursday.

Qigong is hard work!

I had lots of trouble with my lower back (it’s gone into protective mode because George is due this Saturday), my knees (they’re congenitally misaligned so they hurt when I bend the knees for too long during exercise, shoulda wore my braces today), and my shoulders and neck during today’s session. I’ve learned that I have VERY WEAK upper body/arm/shoulder strength - I cannot even hold my own arms out at shoulder height for longer than 30 seconds because it hurts my shoulders and neck too much.

I need to work on that.

My practitioner gave me a sheet of exercise poses to get comfy with. I can’t wait to try it out! But today, I’ve exerted my body enough. I don’t want to overdo it.

Tomorrow morning I go back to the gym routine with my friend, and tomorrow evening, I’ll do the Qigong.

TMI WARNING!

Last night, I practiced what I could remember from the Chi Nei Tsang appointment, and today it paid off - I had to ‘go’ first thing in the morning, and my stool was loosey goosey just like when my practitioner did the Chi Nei Tsang on me. Yay! I moved stuff!

I’ve also been listening to Progressive Relaxation tapes that my friend gave me. The person on the tapes is David Wise, Ph.D., author of “Progressive Relaxation: The Practice of Conscious Effortlessness”. The tapes have been very helpful for me. I find that I’m feeling more relaxed and remembering to breathe, and my neck and shoulders aren’t in as much pain as they usually are at night or in the morning upon waking.

I’m really hoping all this pays off even a little bit in time for george’s arrival this weekend. And I really hope that over the short term, say over the next six months, I really start to feel relief from the pain.

On Friday I swam for about 35 minutes, in which I used the swim board, did underwater marching, treaded water/did scissor kicks and butterflys, did the backstroke for two laps (backstroke is easier on my neck injury than doing swim board or breast stroke), and I also held myself up on the side of the pool and did 10 leg lifts in the water.

On Sunday I went to the Antique Fair on the navy base in Alameda, and walked around with friends for about five hours. I was a bad monkey and let my face get sunburned.

On Monday, I helped a friend move boxes and a beeg glass table to the new place his household is movin to! *Flex*

TODAY:

Elliptical - I did 20 mins on level 2 incline.

Butterflys - Two and a half sets - I did 26 total at 20# weight.

Arm rowing/torso machine - 5 minutes on moderate resistance (a couple notches higher than I usually do).

Came home and had my usual fruit bowl breakfast dealie.

Elliptical - 20 mins on resistance set to #2 and incline set to #1

Arm rowing/torso machine - 7 mins on medium resistance

Situps - Took it very slow because of my neck/shoulders. Did 25.

Butterflys - Took it very slow. Did two sets of 10, using 20# weight

Leg Press - Did 40 slow reps using 95# weight.

Treadmill - 10 minutes, alternating between slow walk, brisk walk. Ran for one minute but my knees were already done from all the above work today, so I didn’t want to hurt myself.

Post-workout breakfast:

2 Tbsp flaxseed meal
1 Tbsp honey
2-3 Tbsp vanilla almond milk
Mix thoroughly.

Add:
3 Tbsp flax OIL
1/2 cup plain full fat (leaded) yogurt
1 Tbsp cinnamon
1 Tsp vanilla extract
1 fuji or granny smith apple, chopped
3 strawberries, chopped
1 kiwi fruit, peeled and sliced
1 handful walnut pieces
1 handful almond slices
5 - 6 grapes, assorted
Mix thoroughly.
Enjoy!

Variations on the above:
Substitute 1/2 cup Trader Joe’s Gluten-Free “granola” for one or more fruit
Substitute dried cranberries for one or more fruit
Add 1 Tbsp orange, grape or cherry juice to add more sweetness, if desired.

For me, it’s also best to have some sort of bread with this meal, so I don’t sugar crash or get light-headed. I usually also have one gluten-free waffle with gluten-free, non-hydrogenated “Earth Balance” buttery spread, and some almond butter or organic peanut butter on top if desired. That gives me the protein I need so I don’t crash.