zeptember

The month of November for me so far, pain-wise:

As you can see, I’ve not had a break. I’ve missed nearly 4 days of work this month and have not been at top performance at all.

The pain worsened yesterday after having 2 days nearly pain free. I’d been taking it really easy at work and after work. The pain returned on Saturday after being intimate with my husband, and grew worse until I saw my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner at 4pm. She wasn’t able to rid the pain, but was able to transfer it from the front and side to the back, where the pain collected and felt like electric bolts of pain in the bottom of my spine, and then dispersed a little.

Let’s compare this month to previous months:

June: I missed 4 days of work from the pain. I was working through an agency at the time.
July: I missed 2 days of work from the pain. I was working for a private family 3 days a week, so missing 2 out of 3 was a big deal.
August: I missed 1 day of work from the pain.
September: I missed 2 days of work (my 2nd day working for a new private family and I fell ill, but I warned them ahead of time this would happen).
October: I missed 3 ½ days from the pain.
November: I missed nearly 4 days from the pain so far, and have been in near constant pain since my last period.

Because god hates me, I get my period twice this month. I’m due again the day after Thanksgiving. But george could arrive sooner and cause me to miss more work.

The family I work for has expressed frustration with having to miss so much work on account of me. But you know what? I hope they fire me. At least then I can try to get unemployment and look for a new family to work for. Failing a new full time nanny gig on account of my illness, I will try another agency or go back to the old one again, and work whatever comes up. I will also continue telling friends that I’m available to work, and I’ll take their offers before the agency because I prefer working with 1-3 children at a time in a private setting (read: my own pace and schedule) anyway.

But the family is smart - they know they’d have to pay unemployment if they fire me, and worse, I can try talking to the labor board again if they fire me.

The best situation for them and for me is to get a new job and give 2 weeks’ notice.

I’ve been fretting at work that the child I care for hasn’t had a stroller ride in likely over a month while under my watch. Last month, I was laid up with george, then for the next two weeks, I didn’t want to risk getting sunburned before my wedding, nor did I want to risk getting skin breakouts from sunblock again (I’ve gone through several brands to no avail). Then the week after the wedding, the weather was cold and wet, and I wasn’t feeling well, and then that turned into another week of george.

So yesterday, I was feeling better and still had the energy that began anew on Sunday, and I decided to take the baby for a walk up to the local elementary school and back again.

This still means walking up a steep hill, back down again, and then another steep hill leading back to the child’s house.

And all the while I was prepping the child for her walk, I was excited to get out of the house and be active again, but I had a nagging thought in the back of my head, telling me I should still be taking it easy, and that over exertion could lead to more pain.
But I dismissed the nag with confidence, declaring back to myself that george was gone for another 22ish days, so I’ll be fine.

“But, the cyst…” my inner nag bleated…

“I’ll be FINE.” I retorted inwardly.

So we went on our walk. I must note that the stroller probably weighs about 8lbs, and the baby weighs 18lbs, and the diaper bag is 10lbs. Add to that my huge full water bottle, which weighs 5lbs. That’s 41lbs (18kg) I’m pushing up the hills and holding back on the downhills. It’s quite a workout.

About 1/4 way into the walk, I grew very tired, and my pace slowed to a snail. I usually take it slow walking up hills anyway due to my congenitally misaligned knees (did you know that as a child all the way through high school, I was forbidden by doctor’s orders to participate in any gym exercises that required me to put a lot of stress on my knees?).
But I was walking even slower than usual and was really out of breath.

Even getting up and down from the floor while playing with baby yesterday, I was really out of breath. Moreso than usual after coming back from several days bedridden.

When we got back to the house, the day continued on as normal.

Until around 3pm, when I was sitting on the couch in the living room, and the baby dropped her toy on the floor. She was sitting not more than 18 inches away from me in her exersaucer. Naturally, I leaned forward to pick up the baby’s toy.

That’s when I gasped and nearly fell off the couch from the pain. It was sudden, sharp, jarring, knifing pain. But just like that, it was over with, leaving me near tears, and really fatigued again. Every few minutes, I’d also get a sharp pain through my anus, just like I do right before or during george.

I got the same pains no less than three times apiece while upstairs with the baby, sitting on the floor with her. Each time, I would either lean forward to get up, or I would twist my sitting torso to the side to reach for something when the pain knifed me again.
It didn’t matter which side I turned to.

So I looked up symptoms of an ovarian cyst:

• Lower abdominal or pelvic pain, which may start and stop and may be severe, sudden, and sharp

• Irregular menstrual periods
• Feeling of lower abdominal or pelvic pressure or fullness
• Long-term pelvic pain during menstrual period that may also be felt in the lower back
• Pelvic pain after strenuous exercise or sexual intercourse
• Pain or pressure with urination or bowel movements
• Nausea and vomiting
• Vaginal pain or spots of blood from vagina

I have most of those symptoms (except for the pain w/ bowel movements and vaginal pain/bleeding). I’m watching closely to see if any non-menstrual-cycle bleeding develops. If it does, I’m hightailing it to the emergency room. There’s a whole other list of stuff I have to watch for, which will land me in the E.R., too.

When the baby’s mother got home from work, I had a talk with her. I asked her how this arrangement is working out, now that she’s had a chance to see my illness in action, and knowing well ahead of me working for her that I have Endometriosis, but not knowing that I’d developed a cyst, which gave more uncertainty to the days off of work.

She replied that it’s really frustrating and tough on her and her husband. But she still thinks it’s working out well with me as their nanny because the baby, although getting off to a rough start, has really taken to me.

While talking with her, I leaned forward and gasped in horrific pain again. The mother stopped mid-sentence and looked at me. I told her “it’s that fast, the pain is gone. It happens when I sit forward. It’s the cyst.”

The parent continued that she worries that although her job and her husband’s job says it’s fine that they take 1-3 days off work each month on account of me, they are worried that at some point in the not too distant future, their jobs will decide otherwise - that it’s actually NOT okay.
They both work for the dotcom industry, and having worked there for a decade myself, I totally understand that fear. Dotcoms are notoriously backstabbing towards their employees.

I asked the parent if she had any sort of backup - a substitute - in place for when I’m not there. She said no. I asked her if I could appeal to the Bay Area Nanny group that I belong to. She said not unless there’s someone there that I know in person and really trust. I told her there’s not, because I’m new to the group and haven’t actually met anyone in person, yet.

So basically, they are screwing themselves. I advised them of my illness and sent them resources to educate them of my illness before I started working for them. If something happens to me, they’re totally up shit’s creek. This is in no way my fault. I must not let any thinking get into my head that I HAVE to be here at all costs for this family. I’ve had a lot of problems easing into this family - they didn’t have their baby bottle or sleep trained when I arrived. They didn’t have their baby socialised in any form - she’d only been around mommy, and mommy took 2 extra months of maternity leave. So instead of isolation for four months, it was six months, extending into the phase of a child’s life where it begins to develop fear of strangers. This is also in no way my fault. I have tried my best to be the best person for this job and for this family. I will continue to do my best but it is time that I work on a replacement and start presenting options to the family.

Getting back to the side effects of having this ovarian cyst, on my way home from work, I had gotten no further than 2 miles when sudden fatigue and weakness overtook me. I literally had to fight to hold onto the steering wheel, and keep my eyes open. The lower back pain set in on the way home, affecting both sides of my lower back. Not even my little car pillow helped ease the pain.
When I got home, I staggered through the front door and almost collapsed in my husband’s arms. I had no bleeding - just massive fatigue and moderate low back pain. I was put immediately to bed with a heating pad. I napped for at least half an hour before my husband insisted I have some dinner. After dinner, I watched some TV while still applying a heating pad. At one point, I broke down and sobbed to my husband that I feel like I somehow either manifested the ovarian cyst with all the stress of wedding planning over a year’s time, or the cyst was already forming and made me so much girlier than I normally am, and I should have caught that as a warning sign rather than thinking it was the wedding planning itself making me more girly. My husband told me not to think like that, that it’s totally out of my control and not my fault. He hugged me tight.
I went to bed for the night at 9:30pm, about two hours earlier than I normally get to bed these days.

Got up this morning feeling better, and went off to work. Halfway to work, I was overcome with massive fatigue again, and moderate low back pain. In addition to that, I developed left side shoulder stiffness with mild pain.

I started to really worry that a hospital visit is in my near future.
When I got to work, I let the parent know my current condition. She and my husband do have each other’s cell numbers ever since the emergency on Friday when I had to leave work.

I called my GYN yesterday for status but have not heard back from her. Feeling very frustrated right now.

Also, totally taking it easy for the rest of the week, if not the rest of the month. No strenuous exercise for me. The baby wrangling is exercise enough.

The baby did have a nice nap at an hour and 45 minutes, but unfortunately my pain and severe bleeding had not finished with me in that time, and the meds were full steam ahead in my bloodstream.

It took all my strength just to carry the baby from her bedroom to the changing table in the parents’ room.

Baby definitely knew something was up, because usually when she wakes, she’s fussy or bounding and ready to go. Today she just hung in my arms looking up at me with concern, and once I had her on the changing table, she would normally squirm all over the place but she didn’t move. She just stared at me. I apologised profusely and tried not to cry from the pain. I didn’t want her to cry - babies are SOOOOOOO intuitive.

I changed the baby and then notified the baby’s mother (K) of the situation, as well as notifying my husband B.

K and B both talked with each other and found out they work near the same BART station. So they took the BART together back to K’s car and she drove B back to her house, where I was at. In the meantime, K called her neighbor (H) to come over and help me out. H was over within ten minutes and so I was able to stagger downstairs and drool on the couch.

I wasn’t down there for long, though, before I realised that H wasn’t coming down to feed the baby like I told her. I think perhaps she didn’t know the routine or know what to do. Nothing worse than a baby who realises it’s suddenly very hungry, so I staggered to the kitchen and put all baby’s solids together and warmed a bottle, then called H down. She fed the baby for me. I thanked her repeatedly.

K and B came through the door around noon, and I was told to just hang out and rest until it was time to go to the doctor. So the four of us hung out in the living room for a bit. H had to go, then we eventually had to get on the road, too. I thanked H and K and apologised to K for still being sick. I just felt bad - I had no idea why my body insisted I miss most of a work week like this. Are my cycles getting longer and more intense as I age?

B got me to the doctor in time - it was all the way up in Richmond because my GYN wasn’t at the Berkeley office today. The mess had abated by this time, and I was left with sharp, jarring pains on the left side, and having to pee every five minutes.

After I told the GYN my story, she said I should have gone to E.R., because there they could have done blood workups and scans and such, and she’s not equipped there to do that. I broke down and cried. Didn’t expect that. She was patient with me and asked me to tell her what I was so anxious about. I relayed the story about the botched E.R. visit back in April. She remembered. I told her that although they have a care plan in place for me now after I filed a huge complaint, that when the GYN office said they had an appointment today, I took it rather than chancing another E.R. disaster again. My GYN told me she understood the trauma I went through would have made me act the way I did (coming to see her instead today). She sympathised with me.

Got a pee test - negative for pregnancy - she’s worried about ectopic pregnancy. I told her there’s no way. She gave me an external ultrasound and didn’t see anything abnormal.

I said perhaps I have a cyst. I told her the left side is what’s killing me right now, and that’s the ovary that was stuck behind my uterus from the disease when the surgeon went in last year to have a look.

So she performed an internal ultrasound and her tone changed.

She told me the uterine lining is still very thick, which means much more clotting is on the way.
Then she exclaimed OH! You DO have a cyst!!”

There it is, on the left side. 4cm ovarian cyst. I’m not too worried. I’ve had one larger than that before and it reabsorbed. But I did cry again because goddammit, I’m tired of all the pain. And why is my endometrium so thick with clots? She couldn’t answer that.

We talked about my pain management options again. I’m still refusing anything hormone-based or lupron-based.
She suggested acupunture but I’ve already tried that. Works great but doesn’t last longer than several hours to a day).

She gave me the number of a homeopathy specialist she trusts.

She gave me a lab slip to see how anaemic I am.

She told me I must see a radiologist in 6 weeks to follow up for the cyst, to see if it’s reabsorbed or if it’s growing.

Got my blood drawn on the way home.

And tomorrow I already have an appointment for a Chi Nei Tsang treatment and will be getting started on a gallbladder cleanse.

Until then, I’m wiped out from the pain, the crying and the meds. It’s 6:30pm on a Friday night and I’m heading for a bath and then bed. This will be the second weekend in a row that I’m too ill to enjoy life. I’d only been married a week when I fell ill, and it wasn’t supposed to last this long. I’m quite depressed. I’d like to be a happy giddy bride again, please.

I’m a stuck pig and bedridden. I’m currently on two Tylenol 3 and 400mg Ibuprofen because the pain would not quit.

The pain was slight Halloween morning, so I took it easy. By afternoon I was feeling better.

The pain ramped up the very next day (Saturday), and I wasn’t able to go out clubbing. I went to bed super early that night.

I swear, I can’t even remember Sunday.

Monday is when all hell broke loose with being emotionally assaulted by my father. I was drugged on pain meds, in pain, shuffling around the house in bedclothes. I did not deserve the treatment he gave me. All because I want to come home to Michigan after 4 ½ years because I miss family and friends.

I spent parts of Sunday and Monday reviewing the ballot for the election. I spent ALL day Tuesday finishing up my research for the ballot. This is the first time in my life that I spent this much time researching thoroughly every candidate, measure and proposition on a ballot. I wanted to be totally sure on everything. Everything. I felt like I was back in college, studying for final exams, there was so much material. I did all this from my bed, drugged to the gills on pain medication, taking frequent rests or all out falling asleep at the keyboard from the medication.

Tuesday night, my husband (HUSBAND! so weird and wonderful to say that word) took me to vote. I was feeling better, so I walked with little difficulty and voted confidently. We went to podle’s house to watch the election results come in and history be made. I wept tears of joy for Barack Obama. I’ll have another more to say on him later I’m sure.

Around 10pm last night, the pain and bleeding returned. My heart sank. I wanted to call my employer but it was already late. So I emailed instead. I took more meds, went to bed, and hoped to be pain free today.

I woke up at 6:30am, later than I normally would for a workday, but ready to go out the door if only my body would give me the green light.

At 7am, it was apparent that my body was not ready for me to be pain free. I texted and emailed my employer. I feel badly. I’ve missed three days of work, which means my employer has missed work as well. Hopefully not. Hopefully they have a substitute or can work from home.

I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me. I’ve only ever missed four straight days of work on one other occasion, and when I returned to work on the fifth day, I was fired. But then that job was different. They’d been harassing me for months.

The pain meds are at full tilt now. Time for sleep.

This week, the father began handing off the baby to me in the mornings instead of the mother, and that made all the world of difference. The baby cried when daddy left but didn’t freak the fuck out. She settled down within minutes of his departure.

And in a complete turn around from last week, where she wanted nothing to do with me, this week she started out not wanting to be away from my arms for a minute.

By today, she exhibited willingness to be independent, and was able to scoot around on the floor or sit in her exersaucer for minutes on end without crying for me.

I’ve gotten quite the workout from this child, because when she wants to be held, she doesn’t want to just sit in my lap. No, she wants to be held in my arms, facing outwards, while I rock or bounce so she can treat me as her human bouncy swing.

Yesterday she let me use the ergo baby sling, even though it only works for the baby facing my chest. She was okay in it, and my arms got a break. And today she fell asleep in the sling so I could be hands-free during her naps.

Oh and bottle training is coming along awesomely.

Next up - try the sleep training in the crib again so I have a friggin’ break when she naps. Lunch for me this week has been non-existant or super rushed because of the high maintenance child.

We’ll get there. She’s improved leaps and bounds this week.

Just finished my first full week on the new job.

In one week I’ve gotten plugged ears from having to wear earplugs all day after having my eardrums pierced by screams of a 6-month-old for two days straight. She screams all day because she misses her mother. She’s inconsolable. I’ve tried everything within humane ability to calm the child - to no avail.

In one week I’ve gained weight rather than losing it.

In one week I’ve gotten very sore calves and shins from hiking with a stroller up suburban sidewalks and roads that I estimate to be 10 to 15% gradient steep.

So I should be losing weight. But I get home from work and chow down on fatty and sugary foods for comfort. I’ve been officially depressed since Wednesday, the day of my birthday. My man took me out for drinks and dinner that night, and I overdid it. I woke with thee worst headache and the spins around 4am. Great going.

I don’t think I’ve had a healthy meal once this week. This child doesn’t even let me have time to eat a meal in silence. Even when she’s sleeping, unless the stroller is continually moving, she wakes up and the screaming starts again. So I get no break. I have to move the stroller. It’s hard to prepare food for lunch and type up how the day is going when having to keep a stroller rocking to and fro. I can’t make any phone calls because the slightest murmur out of me wakes her up and she begins screaming. But noise from passing trucks outside when I’m walking her, or noise from the TV when I’m rocking the stroller back and forth - those are fine for her.

I had a heart to heart with the parent of the child I’m working with, and told her that if the baby doesn’t begin adjusting to me and getting better bottle training from mom and dad this weekend and continuing nightly when I’m not there, then the absolute most I can last will be to mid-October.

I have bruises on my inner thigh where it nearly meets the pubic area because that’s where the baby pounds her feet on me when I’m trying to put her to my shoulder and rock her to calm her down. She has slapped me repeatedly on the arms and face, and has spat food and milk on my shirt, my face, and my coat. Her screams are with such force and shrill that I crack after an hour and a half. I got two full days of work in this week but the other three, I had to call the mother home because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. And to be extra cruel, it’s as if the baby knows I’ve just called mom home, because she settles down in time for mom to walk through the door and give me that look like I’ve just cried wolf.

So today I let the mom hear her baby by phone, rather than texting her or Internet chatting with her about how the day is going.

On Monday, the mother is sending her friend over to give me a break for a bit and we’ll see how that goes. Gotta see if this will be a daily thing or what. I guess it all depends on how it goes on Monday. And on Friday, my friend is bringing her baby over to see if another baby’s face might help calm the girl I’m caring for. There are no parks nearby where other babies would be found playing. There’s an elementary school up the hill, but the kids are not available to play with a baby off the street. They’re in school.

Oh and there’s the bees. I get chased by yellow jackets every fucking time I set foot outside of that house. The hills and brush around where that family lives, all the way down to the shoreline, is teeming with yellow jackets. If they’re not after the milk on the baby’s breath, they’re after my sunblock or my hair or something.

While rushing uphill away from a yellow jacket yesterday, I stepped in dog shit. I began cursing and this woke the baby and for the next half hour, I now had a screaming baby that I had to take back down the 15% gradient hill. People on the street walking their dogs or tending their lawns kept looking at me. They’d look away, then back again as the child screamed and screamed. I would stop the carriage, peek in at her, and she’d scream even harder.

She wants nothing to do with me. So long as I’m behind the carriage, she’s more fine than with me in front of it, but the screaming is a given. This all started on my birthday, because on Monday and Tuesday, I was able to rock her to sleep and she slept on me. I don’t know what the change was.

All I know is, if she doesn’t get used to me soon, I’m resigning. And I’m only doing babysitting gigs until the wedding is over. Maybe even take a break til the end of the year. Who knows.

On a bittersweet note, I like all the exercise I’m getting, and the ocean view I get is really awesome. I will have to take my camera with me next week on the job. Hopefully there will still be some sunny days left, cuz that area is usually fogged in for most of the day. When I used to live down the road from this area back in 2000, I used to joke that I lived in Alaska because of the constant gloom, the fog so dense that it felt like it was raining all the time, and then the rain in wintertime pelting and accompanied by gale force winds.

There is truth to the saying, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.'’

And just like that, on Monday the pain and bleeding went away. The only thing that remained was the lower back pain.

On Sunday I needed a wheelchair for stability. On Monday, I was a nanny and after work I walked up and down the block collecting petition signatures for a four-way stop on the corner (There’s been too many accidents and near-misses there).

Today I walked up and down steep hills in the neighborhood where I work, pushing the baby stroller.

In 23 days, I’ll go through it all over again.

That’s how it goes…

Well I didn’t feel better the next day, or the next. I didn’t feel better until late last night. I’m back to work today and haven’t had to take any medication. The bleeding has stopped. I still have lower back pain, though. It’s mild to moderate, so I’ve been moving slow and easy at work.

So I bled Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully it’s done, now for another 22ish days.

The baby I work with has given me a break, too. She is getting used to me, I think. She’s exactly six months old today. The last couple of infants I worked with were four months old when they came into my care. This one was nearly six months old and so I think she’s already privy to the whole ‘you’re a stranger’ mentality. Though that normally starts around 8 months I thought, but here we are.

She’s napping right now, which is how I can write this entry.

Nothing else to report - got a full week of work ahead of me and hopefully the pain won’t return today for the ‘last gasp’ like it is prone to doing.

I want to note for the record that I’ve been on anti-anxiety meds since August 1st because of the wedding stress of having to deal with my father, brother and father’s wife. I’ve been on muscle relaxers since August 27th. The muscle relaxers are because my bulging disks in my neck have started to act up again, definitely due to stress (and possibly also due to my job). When I worked for the computer industry, my neck/shoulders would go out four times a year from all the anxiety I endured. So I know anxiety sets it off.

On Friday I called my brother and found out that ma has a hernia. She called me the next day to describe it to me; said it’s in the crease where the leg meets the pubic area. She said it only hurts if she stands for long periods of time, so her work has been affected. She said she got the hernia from coughing too hard because she got sick from a co-worker (a bug is going around, everyone I’ve talked to in Michigan has a cough right now, tis the season). I can’t remember how long she said she’d had the hernia for. Could be a couple of weeks AFAIK.

This morning ma called to say she’d been to a surgeon, who had diagnosed her with what sounded to me like a strangulated inguinal hernia, and so she has to go for emergency surgery this Thursday. I say ‘what sounded like’ because ma couldn’t tell me the actual lingo. I had to go on where the location of the hernia is, her pain level and the urgent instructions from her doctor to come up with this diagnosis. A friend helped me pin ‘inguinal’ as the type of hernia.

Mayo Clinic says that “A strangulated hernia is life-threatening and requires immediate surgery.”
Under “Risk factors”, Mayo Clinic says “A chronic cough, such as occurs from smoking, increases your risk of inguinal hernia.”

Wikipedia says, “As the hernia progresses, contents of the abdominal cavity, such as the intestines, can descend into the hernia and run the risk of being pinched within the hernia, causing an intestinal obstruction. If the blood supply of the portion of the intestine caught in the hernia is compromised, the hernia is deemed “strangulated,” and gut ischemia and gangrene can result, with potentially fatal consequences. The timing of complications is not predictable; some hernias remain static for years, others progress rapidly from the time of onset. Provided there are no serious co-existing medical problems, patients are advised to get the hernia repaired surgically at the earliest convenience after a diagnosis is made. Emergency surgery for complications such as incarceration and strangulation carry much higher risk than planned, “elective” procedures.” (boldface mine)

My ma has been a pack-a-day smoker for at least 40 years, and began smoking when she was about 12 years old. Two of my ma’s siblings have Emphysema, with one of her siblings at end stage disease, on an oxygen tank, AND STILL SMOKING. My ma calls smoking her recreation and like her siblings, laughs when people try to tell her the risks of smoking.

Ma says she will meet with the anesthesiologist before surgery to go over how the surgery will be done. She couldn’t tell me if it would be local or if she’d be knocked out. I have no idea - I ASSUME she’ll be knocked out for this.

My question is, because she is an emphysemia candidate, would she be refused gas anesthetic? Would the surgery be refused altogether?

And because she is an emphysemia candidate, and because of her family history*, and this surgery is deemed more risky anyway, how likely is it that my ma might not make it through this?

*Her own mother died of Chronic Heart Failure (CHF) due to old age, she was not a smoker. Her father died of heart failure also, but I do not have documentation as to the actual diagnosis. He was not a smoker from the time I ever knew him.

I was of the mind to fly home ASAP to be with my mother, but spent the day talking with my father, my sister-in-law, my fiancé, my chosen sister, and a bunch of friends on the Internet…trying to figure out my head.

This evening when ma woke up, I called and was able to get her to tell me her doctor’s number, so I’ll be calling her doc in the morning. I found out that my ma drove herself to the appointment with the surgeon today - my brother did not accompany her as previously thought. As a matter of fact, he may not even be able to take her to surgery on Thursday - ma is thinking of taking a cab!?!@##$%

I asked ma again all the questions I asked her this morning. She told me that she has a ‘groin hernia’ (so yes, it is an inguinal) but that the bulging area is not discoloured (so no, it’s probably not strangulated). She said her surgeon gave her a booklet and said if she has any nausea, to go to E.R. (cuz that means strangulation). I asked my ma if she was told to get emergency surgery and she said no. This differs from what I was told between Friday and this morning. So I think she’s just softening the news for me to not worry about her.

I talked with my sister-in-law, who told me they wanted ma to come stay with them after surgery, but she refused, because she doesn’t want to leave her cats unattended!
My sister-in-law also told me that she can’t stay with ma cuz she works 12-hour days at another hospital and then has two sons who HAVE to go to football practice. And my brother can’t stay with ma cuz after 4 hours in that house of hers, he damned near gets an asthma attack from all the cat dander, dust and 25 years of chain-smoke in an ill-ventilated home. Ma keeps her windows closed and the air conditioner running ‘to clean the air’ inside the house. She also has HEPA filter fans but she’s never changed the filters on that or the air conditioner. You might just picture the ’sloth’ house from the movie Se7en and that’s similar enough to the house I grew up in.
Needless to say, ma is a bit mental. I’m a bit protective of her for this reason.

Oh, and after the whole ’sorry can’t help’ crap from my sister-in-law, and radio silence from my brother all fucking day, I get a text message this evening from my SIL telling me not to worry, that my brother and his wife will take care of ma, and that my brother will call me tomorrow.

How will they take care of her? They live nearly two hours away with their 12+ hour days and two boys who NEED to get to football practice. …

…

And he’ll call me TOMORROW? After not a word all day today? His job clearly takes precedence over our mother. And you know what, our mother takes this stance as well. She DEFENDED him when I bitched about not hearing from him all day today. Dad was waiting on him as well because of the whole ‘have to book plane tickets for the wedding’ - apparently my brother promised my dad he would go with ma to the surgeon’s appointment to get the official lowdown on her condition, then update our dad so he could determine whether or not to include ma on the flight out for the wedding.

While the wedding and travel plans for said wedding don’t fucking matter to me at the moment, I can understand why dad would be pissed off. Another verbal promise broken by another fellow family member. It’s the norm in our family.

I talked with my chosen sister, who said she would be able to look in on the cats if I can convince ma to go stay with my brother after surgery. But my chosen sister also has a family crisis of her own - her husband’s grandfather is also in the hospital - he’s critical - and her relatives are likely coming to stay this weekend. It’s all such bad shit right now.

If ma does not want to leave her house, then there’s no one to take care of her in the 48 hours after surgery. My ma is a hermit - she does not have any friends to come look in on her. Not even neighbors. She doesn’t trust the house key to anyone. She never leaves her house outside of going to work at the grocery store. She works the midnight shift and sleeps during the day.

Long story short:
I’ve decided that I’m going to go to work tomorrow.

I’m going to call ma’s surgeon from work and get the lowdown.

The only thing that will prevent me from getting to work tomorrow is if girl do0m comes for me or if ma’s condition worsens.

Depending on what the surgeon tells me, and whether or not my spidey sense is still tingling, I may hop on a plane by Wednesday night. That means I run the risk of not being there til after ma gets home from surgery. But at least I’d be there for aftercare. I don’t care at this point that I will also be in great pain from the girl do0m, which, if it doesn’t arrive Wednesday, will arrive by Friday. I have my drugs and heating pads, and I’m not afraid to call for backup assistance if it comes to me having to lift my mother. Whereas ma just doesn’t let people know how bad things are for her. I still know two neighbors in the area. I may even still have their numbers and if I don’t, I’m sure ma does. Of course, I’ll be knocking on their doors to give them a heads-up anyway…

So that is the plan.

The bleeding and cramps set back in at 11:20ish in the morning, about half hour after the baby woke up from her morning nap.

I was fighting to maintain.

600mg Ibuprofen didn’t help so I took half a Tylenol 3.

The baby was contained and happy in her exersaucer, and I was thankful that I’d already set up the play mat and pillows as well. I figured she’s got two places to play today in the living room so everything would work out, right?

At 12:07pm I took it back. She started crying so I took her out of the exersaucer but she didn’t want to leave my arm. Wouldn’t sit on the play mat. Wouldn’t just sit on my lap. Wanted to be held and rocked. Which is reeeeally painful for me right now. Finally she just broke down and cried and rubbed her eyes while I held her and rocked her, so that signaled naptime. Weird since she’d only been up for an hour but then again, she is teething.

So I put her in her crib, and after half an hour, she cried herself to sleep.

I checked on myself in the bathroom and passed a huge.. HUGE clot. That’s what all the pain was for.

The baby’s mom told me the baby’s only had 3 naps in the past two days. Compare with the usual - 3 to 4 naps each day.

Poor thing. She’s got a runny nose, a cough and two first teeth. She’s probably as miserable as I am.