zeptember

I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a panic attack, despite having taken Ativan before bed. So I took another Ativan and crawled into bed for another half hour. My male cat, who has been on my shitlist, crawled into bed and snuggled with me.

Once I felt able to breathe again without feeling like I might burst into tears at any moment, I got out of bed and got dressed. I ate breakfast and fed the kitties.

Then I sat down to do homework and… couldn’t focus.

So I got out the hair falls and researched stuff I might wear to the club tonight.

Now that I feel slightly sure of what I’ll be wearing tonight, I came back to the homework and … couldn’t focus.

I have the manic thing going on, despite being on 1mg Ativan. Both of my legs are bouncing, and I have to keep getting up and pacing the house. If I try to read something homework-wise, I have to read the same line over and over again to try to get it to resonate, and it’s not working.

…my local doctor just called to aplogise for the psychologist she referred me to. I complained about him to her. She’s working with me and will refill the Ativan when needed. She says the fired psychologist did not give her any preliminary diagnosis on me - just said it wasn’t going to work out because of the Magellan billing.
I am going to see the Magellan psychologist on my husband’s next paycheck, and we’ll see where it goes from there.

Ugh. Grr. Meh.

Gonna go sit out in the sunlight and read for a little bit. But first I’m gonna take some No-Flush Niacin, some Calcium citrate with Magnesium, and a Vitamin D3 pill.

*sigh*

Oh yeah I just remembered a weird dream where adult people were being very high school mean bully types, and I screamed at them, and stormed out of the stairwell we’d been sitting in. When I got to the lobby of the place we were staying in, two people were on the ground with blood all over them - one woman’s chest was ripped open - she is an African American security guard for the place - and people were saying that her bug exploded on her… strange. They were pushing bright red masses of flesh back into place on her ripped open chest. Another woman was near her, also bloody and injured - shrapnel or something?
Then I woke, and uh yeah that’s when the panic attack wanted to start.

WTF.

Last night I went to the bar with two of my house neighbors, and I drank two glasses of red wine. It’s the first time I have drank alcohol since October 17th, when I got blackout drunk.
I did not feel drunk off of the wine until I got home, and then I felt a bit tipsy and rambly at my husband, who got home at the same time I did.

I drank some water before bed, then read for awhile.
I went to bed and woke a few hours later feeling dehydrated and agitated. I drank some water and went back to bed.

Before my alarm went off, I had a nightmare.

I was in the bedroom when my husband or my brother or both people saw a huge spider on the wall. I ran to get a container to collect the spider and toss it outside. I returned to the bedroom to collect the spider, only to find that it was a giant scorpion. The spider upon first look had been about the size of my thumb, but had become this scorpion the size of my hand. The scorpion was dark brown in colour.

Still, I tried to collect the scorpion into a plastic water pitcher I’d found in the kitchen. The scorpion was highly agitated, and ran down the wall onto the floor. I slammed the pitcher on top of it and the scorpion went wild inside, climbing the walls and settling upside down on the roof of the upside down pitcher. The scorpion began smacking its tail to sting the pitcher, and to my shock, the stinger tried coming through the pitcher! I screeched and jumped and felt a nick on my thumb or finger, but continued to try to get the scorpion out of the house. The scorpion came out of the pitcher and began racing after me. I yelped out and hid behind a door but the thing came right for me at a fast speed. I got out of the way just in time, and tried to figure out how we’d catch this thing. Thoughts of a shovel came to mind at this point… no longer want to collect it but to kill it.

I woke - breathing heavy and panicked. Got up, used the bathroom again, tried to go back to sleep to no avail.

According to Dream Moods,
To see a scorpion in your dream, represents a situation in your waking life which may have been painful or hurtful. It is also indicative of destructive feelings, “stinging” remarks, bitter words and/or negative thoughts being expressed by or aimed against you. Your dream forewarns of a self-destructive and self-defeating path. The scorpion is also a symbol of death and rebirth. You need to get rid of the old and make room for something new.

I had been talked into attending Dickens Faire workshops on Saturday with a friend. I’d created a faux pas when acting in hastily assembled (crazed lunatic) character for a group, I did not greet Mr. Dickens himself in the preferred way. I was told later that the guy who plays Dickens is seriously full of himself, but it didn’t matter - I felt I had already let the guildmaster down somehow by this faux pas, and I brooded over it all weekend.

On Sunday, after a long day of continued homework for the class which finished on Halloween, which I’m very late turning in, I went to the bar with my neighbors and drank for the first time in a month. I knew I was being bad, since I have been in therapy for drinking, but I drank anyway. I felt guilty when I got home but did not outright tell my husband I’d been drinking. I was rebelling a bit, not wanting to be “caught” or “get in trouble”, but wanting to do what I pleased, when I felt I have things under control. I feel like there is no leeway - I feel like if I drink, people assume I will automatically be out of control every time.

Hence the scorpion dream.

I always worry when I dream about numbers. I think it might be because one of the things my ma used to study was numerology - before she turned fundamentalist christian. Along with numerology, ma taught me from a young age to remember and interpret dreams. Sometimes I dunno which scared me more in early childhood; her doom and gloom studies of numerology and Nostradamus, or her doom and gloom studies of the Book of Revelation.

So, my dream…

I was with a bunch of friends at a BBQ, [of course, because I just attended two of those over the weekend] and we were all singing a slow folksy song which consisted of us singing 38 as the refrain. At one point we all sang the lyrics, “This tie is number 1239″…

Everyone laughed, because our BBQ/camp site was number 1439, stamped on a railroad tie. Our host smiled and quipped that now everyone would want a railroad tie of their own.

I know there’s a RevCo song called ‘38′. Other than that, I got nothing.

I had a dream that an acquaintance joined an old 80’s band that had begun touring again (their music sounded like Clan of Xymox or some such) and they were doing what looked like stage plays of all their hits. It wasn’t a concert - it was a formal dinner affair with dim lighting and the band doing coordinated and complicated acrobatic dance numbers to their music on stage, as if they were in a play or musical - cheerleader smiles and the whole bit. I noticed that while on stage, he had on a black Fischerspooner* tee shirt.

There was crazy DIY combination drinks in punch bowls for people to mix up themselves.

During an intermission, I was milling about and saw my old goth friends from Michigan and California. There were people from around the world for this, and a good mix of all types and genres of people. Formal dinner tables were set up in three different rooms. I was fortunate to be at a table right in front of the stage. I saw my chosen sister at a table in the next room, which had a partial view of the stage in the room my table was in. I stopped at her table and chatted.

There was a dark spot in the dream - At the same table as my chosen sister was a friend who up and stopped talking to me years ago over a petty misunderstanding that she never confronted me about. I had to find out through my chosen sister why she stopped talking to me. She looked as depressed and forlorn as she ever was when I knew her, and this goes back all the way to high school. She turned to her left and looked away from me as I had approached the table, then got up and slowly walked away (and looked like a spectre doing it).

A couple of tables behind my chosen sister’s table, right next to the door to the main room, I saw a friend milling about. After chatting with my sis for a few, I went over to him and we gave each other a hug. My husband was sitting at that table chatting with people. I walked over behind him and gave his shoulders an affectionate squeeze, and I think I bent down and we smooched hello.
Someone at the table was looking at some fliers on the wall, and remarked that he hated when fliers contained misspellings. The word in question was for a band damed DUCK and it was spelled DUCH**, but I wondered, was it really a misspelling? Then we talked about the time Bella Morte was misspelled to Bella More.

I remember telling several people at the event that I was so happy that my acquaintance was able to pursue this, and had the courage to come out of the rivethead mold to do it, because he had waffled over this for awhile and then finally did it, and looked a natural at the performance. So many of his friends had come out to support him for this, and were already fans of the band as well.

* Let it be known that although I have heard the name ‘Fischerspooner’ over the years, I have never heard or seen Fischerspooner’s music and concerts in my life. Looking them up on youtube after I woke up from my dream was very surreal and fit near perfectly what I was seeing in my dream.
** I looked up ‘duch’ to see if it means anything in other languages. Google tells me that “Duch means Spirit or Ghost in Slovak, Czech and Polish language.”

This is TOTALLY one of the cooler dreams I’ve had, given the verifications when I awoke.

Just woke from a dream a little bit ago…

I had spent a week in the U.S. army on U.S. soil to see what it would be like. There was a whole group of us. We had loaded up our gear, our belongings from the barracks, and I had more crap than the others. In real life, I always do have more crap than the others when going camping for example…

Anyway, we were coming back from the post we’d stayed at - we were in a big tour bus, and just entering the military base where we’d disembark and return to our normal lives, when suddenly, just inside the base, we began to hear explosions, machine gun fire, and screaming death. People rushed to the windows to see. People ducked down and hid. There was a bit of panic. At first I ran to the windows on both sides of the bus to see what all was happening, but had to duck out of the way when glass began shattering. The bus sped up and hauled ass through the base. I had seen what looked like a revolt going on.

When the bus came to a stop outside of the building we were originally headed for, all was quiet. The MP had gotten the revolt under control. But it took a bit of convincing for us on the bus - many of us were hesitant to get off the bus and just wanted to get the hell outta there.

We had to sign paperwork of some sort. I put the date in the upper right hand corner - 11/##/08

I scratched out the date in the middle cuz I got it wrong, and wrote in the correct date:

We said our goodbyes and got off the bus and walked in a daze to find our cars. It looked like a war zone all over the base. My car, which had been parked on a side street on the base, had been squashed between a civilian bus and a couple other cars during the rampage. I now had to get home but I can’t remember how I did it because I had to leave my car behind.

…

I really wish I remembered what the first date was that I’d scratched out. It was a single digit, that’s all I remember. Now I eagerly await what the month of November brings, because I’m weird like that.

I’m not panicked by the dream. I’m curious.

About 18 days ago, I had a conversation with someone about how I feel it’s time the U.S. experienced a revolution from within, that there’s so many people who are dissatisfied with the status quo, the current government, the current economy, etc…and that all these things are coming together fast and can only result in upheaval. I even quoted Einsturzende Neubauten; “Destruction is not negative”.