zeptember

Alcohol is a central nervous system (CNS) depressant. I blacked out on alcohol last Saturday night and spent the entire next day on bedrest, I was so hung over. As of today, I’m still dehydrated. It is not a surprise that I’m also seriously depressed since Sunday.

I had my head shrink appointment yesterday and talked a little about what happened. I expected the shrink to listen to me, but instead she spent the hour interjecting her assumptions about my behaviour, and also disbelieving my reasons and insecurities. She’s never been this bad, before. I was highly annoyed by this, and finally told her to STOP.
I told her I don’t think we’re a good fit and that I’m really doubting whether to continue with her.

Examples of the things she said to me was:

“You didn’t HAVE to go to your husband’s reunion - he makes enough money, he could have just let it go.”
NO, I committed to go and wanted to go to show support for him. He was really anxious and nervous himself about this. And although he makes “enough money”, he can be very frugal, and has actually been QUITE frugal since finally realising that I’ve become financially dependent upon him because my job pays jack shit and I’ve spent the last three years trying to make a living outside of dotcom work so that I don’t end up in a fucking padded cell.

“You could have left the room / left the reunion all together once you were attempting to take that first drink”.
NO, I couldn’t - when the anxiety sets in that way, I become rooted and fixed, like a deer caught in headlights. I endure rather than extricate. That is what my mind does to me. I’ve been going over this with you from session one.
That woman actually argued with me on this, and kept saying, “yes, yes you could have left, I think it would have been okay.”

HELLO! NOT LISTENING!!!

She began to plead with me to try rehab and at this point I got verbally combative with her. I had full on attitude at this point. Not using expletives or calling her names or anything like that - just being VERY assertive in my refusal and saying I don’t CARE about anyone else’s sob story in group therapy, it’s a total waste of my time and energy when I’m telling you up front that I’m not on board with it, and besides, sending me to a group type therapy situation when I have severe social phobia is counterproductive and will lead me into the bottle faster than you can say BOO.

And then she wanted to talk about my dysfunctional fundamentalist family again. She returns to this subject every time we’re in session. I told her she’s fascinated by this story of mine. She called my family ‘tragic’.
I told her having to talk about my upbringing and my family has dredged up a lot of anger and anxiety. I told her I came to therapy to discuss my social anxiety issues - the anxiety which leads me to drink alcohol when I’m out. I told her the family issues are a whole other topic.

Again she went back to false assumptions about my social alcoholic behaviour and I had to tell her to STOP. I told her she can’t ever think I’m making progress, and she can’t ever assume that a certain social situation WILL lead me to drink. I cited several examples of where I’d be led to drink in one case but not in the other, for the same type of event or outing.
She responded with “it makes it very hard to treat you.”

WELL! I’m so sorry I’m not nicely fitted into one of your psychological DSMs!

We ended the session with her asking me what my availability is for next week. I responded, “bedridden”. It’ll be george time again.
She penciled me in sometime during the first week of November, but I am now seriously doubting whether I want to continue with this woman.

I feel like I’m left to fight through my social phobia alone, once again.

In other news, I have not gotten another canker sore since Saturday. I threw away the chapstick with clove oil, thinking perhaps my body is allergic to it, or that it had become contaminated. And I’ve been rehydrating with pedialyte and with electrolyte water since Sunday.

The depression is the worst, right now.

We’re four days from our one year wedding anniversary, and I have no interest in celebrating it. There’s a big ugly reason in there too that I don’t want to get into. The hint is trust - ruined in May, 2009.

We’re ten days away from Halloween and have no definite plans for that day/night, or that weekend for that matter. We have barely decorated the house this year. The haunted backyard isn’t happening because no one had time to give to it this year (but I’ve been fine with that - just wanted to note that it’s not happening in case I look back and say, “what, did you cancel your haunted backyard due to depression?” No, it got cancelled and I am actually happy about that).

I need to get past this bout of depression.

I told my therapist what I need right now is ativan to help me because I’m either going to continue to get into that bottle to manage my anxiety and stress, or I’m going to continue taking vicoprofen to calm the hell down, when vicoprofen is supposed to be for my endometriosis pain, NOT stress.

She wrote a letter to my doctor urging him to prescribe ativan for me, then gave me a lecture on how not to abuse it. I rolled my eyes at her and told her I’ve been on this for short term periods less than a handful of times in my life. I basically told HER to chill out.

Seriously. She’s fired. I’m looking for a new shrink.

Two more things - my eyes are still weeping sticky, itchy goo, and yesterday the goo went from clear-coloured to white. I’ve been using Naphcon-A allergy eye drops since yesterday but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. I made an appointment to see my eye doctor - that appointment is tomorrow.

I’ve also been wracking my brains as to what’s causing me to be so sensitive suddenly to chemicals. I had a disturbing revelation yesterday - I likely caused this myself by consenting to have my house sprayed down with Deltamethrin to rid us of the severe ant problem we had over the summer. The ant spraying happened in late August or early September, and after all the bitching I did about having autoimmune issues and not wanting the spray, I not only caved in and allowed it, I actually WALKED IN DURING THE SPRAYING because I forgot something petty before leaving the house. I had my nose and mouth fully covered by two shirts when I walked in, but still.
If the initial exposure didn’t do it, perhaps coming back to the house several hours after spraying did it and I’m just that sensitive, like I had feared. We should have stayed out of the house with the cats overnight.

I have had a lot of self-hatred going on lately, which magnifies the depression. Let’s see if I make it out alive.

So… I’m still not upholding my promise to stop drinking in 2009. As a matter of fact, I’ve blacked out drinking three times in the last two months; June 20, July 9, July 31.
All three times were social events with people I already know and have hung out with. Of the three, one was on a weeknight, where I had to go in to work the next day severely hungover, because my co-worker had partied with me the night before and I knew she’d call in sick, so I couldn’t.

I put myself in therapy for the social anxiety drinking on July 20th, and have only had two sessions before I got too drunk again.

Apparently I was so drunk this past Friday that when my husband came home, he found me trying to give the TV remote a drink of water with the water pitcher.

I woke up around 8am with no pants on and still in my tee shirt, bra and undies. That’s the first moment I realised I’d gotten blackout drunk again. I know that I did not blackout until I got home, because I recall leaving the bar and saying goodnight to my friends. In fact, both of my friends who were with me til the end of the night told me even today that they are amazed I told them I was so smashed, because they thought I behaved very well and only slightly drunk.

Well that’s good to hear, I guess…

But my husband was really upset with me. He was pretty depressed over having come home and seeing me like that. It reminded him of a very aweful experience we shared down in San Diego four years ago when I got blackout drunk. I’ve not touched Long Island Ice Teas and especially Gin ever since that episode, which nearly ended our relationship.

I spent all of yesterday housebound. I was despondent and even suicidal at times. Alcohol is a CNS depressant, after all. I was humiliated at what I’d gone and done again. I keep telling my husband I’ll stop drinking at social events and I keep failing him and me. I don’t do this when we’re out to dinner. I don’t do this at home with our wide assortment of wines and liquors right there in the open.
I drank water all day yesterday to no avail - I barely urinated all day. It wasn’t until I got some pedialyte and SmartWater and drank that regularly last night into today that I could feel my body start to detox a bit. Ugh.

I’ve gotten too old for this shit.

Nothing I do or say aloud or think or write down or vow - nothing helps. I still keep getting super drunk to quell the noise when I’m out at social events.

Third therapy session is tomorrow evening.

August 3, 2009 Edit:
Had a good session with the shrink tonight. Got some good info. Scheduled to meet with outpatient rehab in two weeks. Until then, I’ve grounded myself from the following social outings: bar night, tiki night, concerts, clubs, parties, group dinner gatherings, picnics and BBQs.

I will be telling people I may hang with one-on-one about the drinking and rehab, and that more than anything, if people wanna hang with me right now, NO BOOZE PLZ anywhere near me. If yer drinkin, I’m not hangin.

On Friday, April 17, 2009, there was more B.S. at work. We were told mid-morning that we’d be having a staff break at 1:15pm. The co-worker who has the same lunch hour as me spelled it out; this meant we’d only get a 15-minute lunch.
She said she’d not brought any lunch with her today, as she didn’t know about the meeting til this morning. I only had some hen to eat, and was going to go get some side dishes to enjoy with the hen, but now I couldn’t.
I told the co-worker that by law, we are entitled to a 30-minute lunch break for every six hours we work. I told her I would check with the #2 playground to see if they were within ratio, to find out if we could go to lunch early, at 12:45pm, instead of having to go over there.
They were within ratio, so we went to the office to ask permission to go to lunch early. By the time we were granted permission, it was 12:53pm. I decided to just go ahead and eat the half hen I brought, along with a protein bar, rather than spend the next half hour procuring side dishes from a local fast food place (Boston Market).
My co-worker went and got herself a sandwich from a local shop and came back in time for the meeting, and ate her lunch during the meeting.

It was only at the meeting itself where we were told we could bring our lunch in and eat it, thus giving us our hour lunch break.

There is near zero clear and concise communication from management to staff members in this place, and it’s driving me nuts.

I had blisters on my feet since about Tuesday, from all the standing, walking and running around I had been doing on the job. My knees had ached all week but seemed to be doing better on Friday. I had a sore throat from about Wednesday or Thursday onwards, but was drinking lots of water and popping vitamin C and zinc twice a day to stave off colds from the kids.

I was granted permission to leave work an hour early on Friday, to go to a wedding. Again I’d asked if ratio was low enough and was given the yes signal to go.
My husband and I got out of work early, got dressed and ready, and drove 34 miles to Benicia to witness a friend get married. We stayed for the reception. I even danced to one song, and had some wine to drink. It was a lovely wedding.

On the way back home, I fell asleep in the car, and hurt my neck when my head fell forward suddenly. I still have a stiff neck from that. When we arrived home, I went right to bed.

I woke up early Saturday morning feeling like a Mack Truck ran over me.

I had a really sore throat, pounding headache, puffy eyes, yellow/green phlegm, body aches and felt very listless. It physically hurt to move. I made an appointment for the doctor’s office and went in. They did a strep test, which came out negative, and told me I “just” had a virus, which likely started on Tuesday or Wednesday, and that this weekend should be the worst of it.

I was so demoralised by being sick again that I cried during the doctor’s office visit. I showed a calendar to the doctor to make sure this wasn’t all tied to the gynecological issues I’m having. She said it is totally separate, but it didn’t help me to feel better, since nobody seems to know WHAT is wrong with me overall.

I spent most of Saturday sleeping and crying. I was in bed for the night probably around 8:30pm. I woke at 3:30am but forced myself to go back to bed. Woke for the day on Sunday after 8:30am.

Today (Sunday) I’ve had more energy, but it’s used up very fast, so I have to keep slowing down and being very deliberate in my movements, conserving as much health and energy as possible. I had a new symptom develop on Saturday and continuing today - diarrhea. I’ve only had it a couple times each day but still, I’m sick. And as of this evening, I’ve got a stomachache, too.

It doesn’t help that as of today, we’re in a heat wave. Today it was 90°F outside. Tomorrow and Tuesday calls for more of the same. And I’m supposed to be running around with children in this.

We’ll see how I’m feeling come tomorrow 7:30am. I may call in sick. I will just have to take care of myself. I refuse to overtax and kill myself for a workplace again like I did before, because THAT company ended up firing me, anyway, after how hard I tried and worked and was a yes-man for them. This place will do the same in a heartbeat, I can already tell. So I’m not playin’ that game.

DON’T PLAY THAT GAME.

I am more important to me than one particular job.

The nanny job ended on March 6 and since that time I’ve been looking for a new job. I’ve applied to daycares, schools, and private families who are looking for a nanny.

I had two interviews with private families and both fell through because of my endometriosis being a deal-breaker (time off each month). I had a third person reject me by phone. This hurt me a lot, morale-wise. But I kept plugging along.

On Tuesday, March 31, I interviewed with a Montessori school. I was told to come back today, April 2nd for second round interviewing, and it was then that I nailed the job. But I almost lost it when I announced I’d be on honeymoon for most of May. They want me in there so badly that they made accommodation for me!

So… TODAY I GOT A JOB AS A TEACHER AGAIN!!!!

Because of this victory, george just couldn’t pass up a deal of his own. Call it a late April Fool’s joke if you will.

He showed up a day early - today - while I was at the school for second round interview and observation of students and teachers.

I did the grin and bear it routine. The pain never got too bad today, thankfully. But tomorrow I’m expected back to do observation again, and I’m expected to attend classes next week under the tutelage of the school owner herself, to officially earn my California Early Childhood Education (ECE) units.

I didn’t have to have this schooling when I got the daycare agency job last spring, because they accepted my university transcripts in lieu of.

This school however only approved one class from my transcripts. This is not unusual - every school and agency has their own idea of what coursework is acceptable - that’s why I had a hard time finding childcare work in California when I first moved here in 1997, and said screw it, and went to work in the dotcom industry, instead.

I’m excited that I got this job. I do want it. This will further my career and resume. It’s a golden opportunity, what with the ECE coursework being thrown in with the job offer.
But we’ll see if george behaves. We’ll see if I don’t lose this job the moment I’ve won it.

This of course made me very depressed.

After spending four hours in the school, when I had budgeted up to an hour originally, I went home starving and made lunch. I had to scarf down my food because I’d promised I’d take my father-in-law to the hospital to get his wound checked. He’d just had a fistula installed on Tuesday so that he can start kidney dialysis in a few months (he has diabetes and end stage renal failure as a result. His kidneys are only at 10% functionality right now).

Got FIL to the doctor in time but his wife, who was supposed to pick him up after his appointment, was nowhere to be found. She wasn’t answering her cell phone. I had to be at my own doctor (gyn) appointment in Berkeley, 21 miles away, at 4:30pm.
At 3:30pm, my FIL told me it was okay to go, so I left him at the hospital. I called his wife three more times. She never returned my calls. I called my husband to let him know this. He was pissed at his father’s wife as usual. I don’t blame him.

My husband ordered me to take the rest of the day off and just try to be still and relax so that the pain doesn’t ramp up.

No can do I told him - was on my way to my own doctor appt at that very minute.

I got to my appointment in time, despite rush hour and construction, because I sped like the devil. Still unable to reach the FIL’s wife, I called him instead. He said he was fine and that they were now on their way home. This means his wife made him wait nearly an hour past the time she said she’d be there!!! This is so typical of her. UGH.

My appointment was fine but nothing much new was able to be told to me regarding my illness (endo) or complications from it, because the test results from the primary care doctor visit on Saturday haven’t come in yet. More UGH.

Endured more shitty traffic on the way home, got home and met husband there. He was home early cuz his car had been in the shop, was all fixed, and so he came home early on the bus to get his car. Once again, he told me to relax and destress.

That’s when the power winked out and back on again, rebooting my computers.

This is the second time since last night that the power has done this. The power only goes out in the computer room, hallway and bedroom. It is not a tripped switch. We can’t figure it out. I called the landlady and left a message.
Because of the quick outage, the computers rebooted as I said, but the DSL router didn’t come back up. I power cycled it twice. I called tech support and left a message. I logged into my linux box and checked out the ip masquerading and network settings to make sure it was all fine.

I then decided that since I didn’t have Internet, I may as well take that time to offload the phone pix I took at the doctor’s office. While sending the files from my phone to my mail account, the phone spontaneously rebooted.

WTF.

And no, we are not in a Mercury Retrograde. I do still keep up on astrology stuff, even though I’m no longer maintaining my old website for that. Well…not maintaining for now. I hope to take up that torch again in the future.

After an hour, the DSL router automagically came back up and I was able to get my Internet fix before acute shock set in.

We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?

…Just in time now that I’m settled in bed with the laptop all cozy…for the cramps to set in.

Today started out so good. Whisky Tango Foxtrot.