zeptember

August 30, 2010

The madness continues

Today was the first day of school. Immediately upon my arrival, one of my fellow assistant teachers came in with some kind of fragrance on her that sent me choking and gasping for air. My throat got all sticky and I got a headache - those are some of the Multiple Chemical Sensitivity signs. She felt bad, but said three TYPICAL stupid things - “But it’s only hand lotion!” and “Buy me some lotion, then! ..just kidding”…she added. Then she went on about how she wore that same lotion all last week and I didn’t have a reaction.

Well, I don’t have an answer as to WHY I did not have a reaction - I’d have to go back in time and see if I stood next to her at all last week. I’d have to ask how MUCH lotion did she use. I’d have to factor in that perhaps something ELSE in the air or carpets set me off before even her lotion did this morning. The school had the floors and carpets cleaned over the weekend.

I took a Benadryl. Then my other fellow assistant teacher came in to work and HER perfume or lotion or hair product or whatever set me off, but not as much as the first assistant’s did.

I got better gradually throughout the day. There are three children in our class that I cannot be around for very long because they have scented oil or hair product in their hair.

I can’t remember how soon the sore throat set in, but the headache and sore throat are still with me now, at 7:30pm.

In other news, I was asked to stay til 5pm at work. I said yes, totally forgetting about my psychologist appointment.

The psychologist called me exasperated the moment I walked in the door at 5:30pm, and that alone set me off. The guilt at having failed someone, followed so closely on the heels of having felt good at helping someone else out, really broke my heart. The guilt is overwhelming. I wanted to start crying right there on the phone.

My psychologist says I REALLY need a psychiatrist STAT, and set me off further by ordering me to call Magellan and set this shit up. She says I NEED to be on mood stabilisers, and that it’s IMPORTANT for me to get medicated IMMEDIATELY.

Huh. How is it that I made it through 28 years of life with this condition, and only now someone is treating me as though I might perish at any moment if I don’t get MEDICATED? I’ve been chronically depressed since about the age of ten. I’ve been getting worse as the years go by, sure. That head-on auto accident in 1994 sure didn’t help things. But I’m the one who put me on SSRI treatment for two years from 2000 to 2002, and I’m the one who took myself off that because the meds weren’t helping me. I’m the one who has been managing the best I can since 2002.

Because I had a freakout that was a combination of my own mental shit, exacerbated by experimentation with medical grade cannabis for endometriosis treatment, now suddenly I’m like this shiny self destruct button to a newly hired shrink.

After I got off the phone with the psychologist, I took 2mg Ativan to avoid a crying meltdown, because I was still feeling so guilty at having flaked on my appointment with her today, and I was feeling under pressure from her ordering me to call Magellan and find a psychiatrist NOW.

So that means I’ve had a total of 3mg Ativan today, because I took one at work.
I had 1mg yesterday. I can’t remember past that.

Out of 30 in a bottle, prescribed to me on August 14, 2010, I have used up 16 pills, which is an average of one a day. Which means some days I take a .5mg ativan, some days I take no ativan, and some days, like today, I take 3mg of ativan.

My husband is also doing poorly in the mental health department. That’s a whole other entry, though, which I don’t have time for at this moment.

September 7, 2008

Category: Anxiety/Stress, Car Accident Related, PTSD, Social Anxiety. Posted by zept at 3:05 pm.

GAH

My anxiety is already up lately, even though many good friends tell me it’s okay, just chill and relax TODAY, NOW, IN THIS MOMENT, I’ll be alright.

Just as I’m getting the next wave of heart poundy going on after having had a nice day and not having needed any meds til now…
Just seconds after I popped an ativan, a car accident occurrs on the corner.
Now I’m trying to breathe AND not cry, because anytime I hear a car accident like this, I get PTSD from my head on collision in which my head bowed out the windshield in 1994.

A neighbor and myself called in the accident and I asked if anyone was hurt.
They said no. But the offending car’s front bumper flew off and both cars have extensive front corner damage.

Nearly head on accident. Ugh. Trying not to cry. Trying to stop going back and peeking out the window at the woman in the passenger seat.

…everyone’s out of the cars now and there’s a crowd on each corner. And the cops are here in mere seconds.

*big sigh*

No blood. No windshield damage. It’s okay. It’s okay.

…my neck and shoulders are tightening. OMG total PTSD.

Breathe..breathe…

5:11pm Edit: I created a petition and went walking around asking for signatures. I have 17 so far but holy cow, I didn’t realise how many multi-dwelling homes there were on this block.
Also, three residents who signed also informed me that it will be next to impossible to actually get the posted stop signs, citing they are long-term residents of this city and that they’d tried similar when they’d lived on other streets in this town.
I’m determined, though. I want to see if I can do it.

While the walking around helped a little bit, all the sunlight didn’t (I had my umbrella but was hot in the sun). Also, the talking to strangers always sets off my social anxiety and the ativan I took earlier has worn off. But goddammit, I don’t know what else to do and I don’t want to JUST sit around sobbing out of frustration when I could be channeling it to anger to get shit done before I say ENOUGH and allow the tear-fest to start.

Bring it on. I can multitask. Blast music, do housework, have meltdown. I’m interesting that way.

August 28, 2008

Yep my body is breaking

Category: Car Accident Related, Wedding. Posted by zept at 8:17 am.

I was able to get a same-day doctor appointment yesterday and also allowed to leave work an hour early to make it to said appointment.

The doctor felt my shoulders and neck and said what all the doctors always say:

OH MY GOD!!!

Yeah, it’s tight. I am not lying about this. My back locks up. I went through the whole story of the car accident again, too, because no doctor previous to this one ever takes notes on this sort of thing, or else the current doctor on staff is always too lazy to read my file.

So I got a prescription for muscle relaxers, and she was so nice as to give me 30 of them. I also found out I have a refill on the anti-anxiety meds, so I’ll get that taken care of, too.

With regards to the bump in my hand - not imagining that, either.

The doctor says I have a ganglion cyst, and she’s referred me to a HAND SURGEON.

Great. Two months before my wedding, and I have to have a surgery. Have I mentioned that the health insurance runs out tomorrow? Yeah, my man got a new job, so his health insurance, which I’m covered on, is dead, Jim, until the new job’s health insurance kicks in, which could be a month from now.
So if I DO need hand surgery, it’s going to have to freakin wait.

*sigh*

As if I needed one more thing to worry about right now.

August 27, 2008

Wherein my body decides to start breaking down

Category: Allergies, Car Accident Related, Weather, Wedding. Posted by zept at 6:29 am.

The migraine returned by the end of the workday yesterday. I came home with light-sensitive eyes again and kept the lights turned down low if I used any lights at all.

Note to self: heating the gluten-free pizza crust out of a desire for comfort food during a migraine episode is NOT the answer. The crust in gluten-free pizza is quite crunchy and chewy at the same time, and requires a lot of effort on the part of one’s mandible, which in turn affects the rest of the bones and muscles of the head and makes the migraine worse.

I’ve started to wonder if the TMJ is coming back. After the head-on car accident in 1994, I was told that I had developed TMJ (TemporoMandibular Joint disorder) and that if I didn’t wear my new jaw splint every day, day and night, I’d be drinking all my food out of a straw by the time I was 30 (I was 22½ at the time).
I wore the jaw splint for a year, and pronounced myself healed. I had taught myself to be conscious at all times of the position of my jaw so that I would not be clamping down and/or grinding my teeth. This was a bad move, however. Pronouncing myself healed meant that the insurance carrier AAA pronounced themselves free of having to maintain my injury for life as was stipulated in the lawsuit I’d won (I sued my uninsured rider’s policy of my auto insurance on the advice of my father’s lawyer, because my boyfriend at the time, who was driving the car who got us into the accident, was uninsured and under age 25. Even though the SUV who hit us head on was at fault, THEIR lawyer convinced the court that BECAUSE my boyfriend was under 25, he was in fact not a capable driver yet, and OBVIOUSLY didn’t look before turning left. Bugger the fact that all traffic on the left had stopped and waved us through, and the SUV was going 50MPH up the middle turn lane from behind everyone, to make the turn before the light turned red, out of everyone’s line of sight, until it was too late. All I remember was suddenly seeing the grill of the SUV and gasping).
But 23 year olds will be 23 year olds. And that means DUMB.

I took 1½ Tylenol 3 pills last night, ate my pizza and was in bed by about 9pm.

I woke up this morning in worse back pain than I was in yesterday. So the bed and pillows are not helping. But I knew that. Our bed sucks. It’s one of those pillow top super soft beds. I know now that I need a firm bed because of my back problems, and I fully intend to get a new bed once the settlement money arrives. Have I talked about the settlement? I guess that’s for another post.

Anyway, I still have a mild headache today, still severe tightening in the neck and left shoulder muscles, and now on top of it, I’m really stuffed up because I’ve had a fan in the window the last couple of nights because it’s been so warm (today is going to be warmer still, with a high of 85°F / 29°C). The fan blows around dust and pollen and I wake up with a stuffed nose and puffy eyes.

And on top of all of that, I woke up with my left hand feeling like I’d crushed it. So the Tylenol 3 made me sleep hard but made me not pay attention to the positioning of my body in the bed, which apparently ended up very contorted. And with the left hand, I have to add a knot to the list of bodily issues I’m having. Yeah, I’ve noticed I have a knot on the last joint of my ring finger, right where the finger connects to the palm. And it’s painful. I noticed it oh I dunno a week or two ago when it acted up, so I just resorted to not touching it. But this morning it’s causing pain and feels hot to the touch. So I’ve got to go get it checked out.

Good times. That’s all I need is for my wedding ring finger to be having problems, two months before the wedding. Go me. Yeah, definitely making an appointment to see the doctor.

May 27, 2008

I can’t make this shit up

Category: Car Accident Related, Employment. Posted by zept at 1:52 pm.

My first day on the job was Friday, May 16, 2008.
I knew right away that the place had problems. It started with the one employee giving the other a look when I walked in the door, not even trying to hide disdain and judgement of me. And then by lunchtime this same employee was practically begging me to stick around long term after she saw my experience on the job. This same employee started shit-talking two temporary employees, as well as the director of the daycare. She’s been there the longest - 8 years - and is burnt out by all that the daycare has seen in recent months and/or years.

I was told that the previous director, along with twin sister employees were fired for their lack of professionalism, and the director’s favouritism of the two employees. Nobody wanted to assume the director position, so they asked one of the remaining co-workers to assume the position so the daycare could stay in business. This is a church daycare, mind you.

The moment this supposedly stellar employee rose to the rank of salaried director, she began abusing the position. She works about 6 - 10 hours a week, and boasts about the home daycare she also runs. She brings one or two of her home daycare children into the church daycare and leaves them with the rest of us to look after, while she “gets some work done” for a couple of hours, and then takes them home again for the rest of the day.

There are two full-time employees, who I’ll call our supervisors. One has been there 8 years as I said, and the other has been there 4 years. They do all the work that teachers have to do, that people training new employees have to do, and on top of it whatever work they can assume in the director’s absence. They’re nice but very burnt out.
Then there are four temporary employees, all of us from two different agencies. The longest anyone has been there is a month - nobody sticks around long, or they don’t work out to the satisfaction of the full timers.

So I got to hear all about this on my first day on the job, and then over the next several days, got to see the truth to this shit-talking.

Oh, I nearly forgot to mention the HUGE security issue with this place - the front door does not latch closed. The staff had complained to the church board about it, and they’ve not fixed it in months. Yet someone, either at the daycare or the church, went and installed a chime on top of the door, so it goes off when someone enters or leaves. However, by the time the chime is going off, someone is already out the door. This is a serious hazard with children. There is a front lawn, then the parking lot and a busy road out front.

By the end of Day One on that Friday, I was asked about my timecard. I told the director that the agency had not given me any. She photocopied one of the other temps’ timecards and I filled it out. I had no idea what to do with it - nobody told me. So on Tuesday (I work Tues-Fri at the moment), I called the agency and reminded them about the employee package they’d tried to send me. It never got to me because they, get this, didn’t put enough postage on the fucking envelope. They said they’d sent it again. I told them I still didn’t have it. I asked what to do about the timecard. They said to fax it. I told them the daycare doesn’t have a fax…
They told me to snail mail it.

Day Two: Tuesday, May 20
There is no curriculum going on in this school. The kids spend the entire day outside. I thought they did this on Friday because it was 98°F outside, and it was better than being in the school, which didn’t seem like it had air conditioning. The kids played in the water for most of Friday. But no, the temperature has cooled down considerably, and the children are still spending the entire day outside. There is no circle time. There are no art projects. There is no structure - just outside time, lunch time, nap time, and more outside time. Even the snack times are approximate. Even the potty times are approximate.
What the hell is wrong with this place?

Another thing with this place - nobody keeps up the attendance logs or counts heads to make sure all children are accounted for throughout the day. I had to ask everyone, supervisors and director included, several times before I got a straight answer as to where parents sign in and out, and how to check attendance.
However, no one told me how to ID parents, and on Day Two, I had the toddlers in a room by myself at the end of the day, with parents coming in and claiming their children.
When I asked how to ID, I was told by a supervisor, “Oh, the parents have to come in through the front door in the 5-year-old room, and I’ll see them. If I don’t, one of the other teachers will ID the parents on the way down to your room.”

Holy shit. Social Services would have a field day with this place.

Day Three: Wednesday, May 21
The full-time employees shit-talk the director and two out of the four of us temps, and honestly, it’s with good reason. I reported the women who sent me the 2 and 3 year olds after nap was over, after I was just finishing up with the 4 and 5 year olds, whom I’d watched at naptime.
The supervisors’ response? “Oh, they do that all the time, they hate bathroom duty.”

Bathroom duty entails taking three to five children at a time into two adjoining bathrooms without doors or stalls and making sure they all go potty. The children are between the ages of 3 and 5.
I’ve never seen an open bathroom structure like this before, and frankly, it disgusts me.
The changing table for the 2-year-olds is in the boy’s bathroom, so you have to juggle changing diapers while making sure that little suzie in the next bathroom washed her hands after using the bathroom, and little jimmy isn’t hogging the sink and playing with the soap in the boy’s bathroom.

It’s part of the job - I’ll do bathroom duty no problem. I just wish the kids had more privacy. But I am NOT doing any job there because someone else refuses to do it. I have my tasks, I’m not doing the work others should also be doing. But if it means mass chaos ensues, for example a child wetting or shitting themselves, then yes, I’ll do twice the work, but man are people going to hear about it.

Temp A and Temp B remind me of the curmudgeonly old aunts in the cartoon movie James and the Giant Peach. They remind me of the wicked step-sisters in Cinderella. They’re nearly twice my age, immature as all hell, and don’t like to actually DO any work. Their asses are so fat, it’s amazing they can get through any doors.

Temp C is closer to my age, has twin toddlers at home, and works nearly full time like I do. She’s professional, caring and loving with the children, but holy shit does she bitch and bitch and bitch incessantly when you try to just hang out and talk adult small talk for a few minutes. All her bitching? It’s about the director and the co-workers, including the two full-time supervisors. She doesn’t care that they’re burnt out - somebody needs to get some order back into that place, and I agree with her.

While all the bathroom duty chaos was going on, no one seemed to be properly supervising the remaining children, who had already gone potty, and who were now running around between two rooms in the daycare. I called out to ask if everyone who had needed to be changed or go potty had done so, and was told yes. I looked at the chart for the toddlers - S’s had not yet been filled out. I asked where he was. No one knew! I sent the teachers in the 4 year old room to the 2 year old room - nope, no S. He’s not in the 5 year old room…hmmm… well lookie here, the infant room door is open when it’s not supposed to be.

I went in and there was S, walking around. I scooped him up and closed the door, and went and changed his diaper.

I finished with S and sent him into the swirl of children in the big room. I finished with the last of the kids who straggled in to go potty, and asked again if everyone had gone. I was told yes. So everyone was rounded up and sent outside to play.

I took the attendance boards for each room outside and began to tally heads. I noticed that 2-year-old S was missing. I asked if anyone had seen him. All the adults just shrugged. Nope, they hadn’t seen him. “He must’ve gone home,” mused one. The others bobbed their heads in agreement. I asked if anyone had SEEN his parent pick him up, because I hadn’t. “Nope”, *shrug* “Didn’t see a thing, but he must’ve gone home, don’t worry about it”, I was told.

My jaw dropped.

I went back inside and did a quick sweep of the daycare. No S in there that I could easily detect. I went back outside and counted heads again. No S outside. The other teachers began to tease me and told me not to stress, that he must’ve gone home. I gave them all the hairy eyeball. The director, who rarely shows up for work, was actually here at work today, and was outside on the playground, busy with the older kids at the basketball net. I opened the door to the daycare to go back and look for S one more time, and there he was, staring up at me before I could take my first step inside. He looked up at me sleepily, with his nuk back in his mouth. He’d probably gotten it back out of his cubby after everyone had gone outside.

I asked where he’d been. S pointed to the infant room, which was open again. Why? Because the director emerged from her office and left the door open, and S went back inside the room.

I asked S if he wanted to go outside with his friends. He nodded yes, so I took his nuk, took his hand, and we walked to his cubby and put his nuk away. Then we went outside. Temps A, B & C saw me with S and their jaws dropped. They whispered, “where was he?” “how did you find him?”

I hissed at them all in a whisper as to where he was, and that TWICE I had to fetch him from that location because nobody else watched that room or kept the door closed like they were told. All the other temps backed away and said they didn’t do anything wrong, and they begged me not to tell the supervisors or let the director find out.

I hissed back at them in a whisper, “You think I’d do that, and take the fall for this, on my third day on the job? Oh no, no. I’m not saying a word. But I’m not staying in this place much longer.”

By the end of my third day, I came home near tears and had to have a few drinks.

Day Four: Thursday, May 22
2-year-old Z had a hard time getting to sleep at naptime in the next room, and I could actually hear Temps A & B in there verbally abusing him and the children who would not nap. When Z began wailing, and I heard a “thump”, I went into the next room and actively saw Temp B abusing him. She was picking him up off his cot and slamming him back down on it to try to force him to lay down. I took Z out of the room and rocked him to sleep. I reported the woman to a supervisor when the supervisor came back from her lunch break. Her response? “Oh yeah, I’ve seen her be rough with the children before.”

AND YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE DIRECTOR FIRE HER?!?!?!

Maybe they did say something to the director and the director just doesn’t care.

Temp C says the only reason she’s not quit yet is because the agency - the same one I work for - doesn’t have any new jobs lined up for her, yet. This is absolutely true, because I asked for reassignment by my fourth day on the job, and they’ve not been able to line up anything for me, yet, either. Temp C told me that she did bathroom duty for an entire week before revolting against everyone else who refuses to do bathroom duty.

During naptime, I had a talk with the elder supervisor, and came nearly clean with what happened to S after naptime. I left out his second, more protracted MIA episode, and stressed to the supervisor that I will not be held responsible for such negligence, nor will I do bathroom duty for other teachers again, and furthermore, I will not put up with seeing abuse from my co-workers.
She begged me to stay on, saying that if either I or Temp C left her now, there’d be nobody and the daycare would close down. She told me to step up and be firm with Temp A and Temp B, and tell them what needs to be done, when I see them slacking.

Oh, so now I get to be supervisor on my fourth day here? Oh yeah, this is fucking lovely.

Day Five: Friday, May 23
I’d been sweeping the sidewalk in the backyard for the kids on bicycles ever since little D tripped and fell because of the rubber tire fragments on the cement. He’d gotten a pretty serious bump on his head - this had to be on Day Two or Three, I forget. So I started sweeping up a bit whenever the kids went outside to play. The playground is divided into several sections, and two large sections contain these half-inch rubber tire pieces as filler on the ground to make it soft for the children to run on.

Well, today we were told that what I’m doing actually needs to be done EVERY DAY, but that people had just gotten lax over time, until they forgot. So thanks to me, everyone needs to take turns and start doing this EVERY DAY.
Temps A & B glared at me. I beamed back at them.
They decided they would do some real work then, too. They took to the water play section of the playground and began sweeping it up. It was a real mess back in that area, too. They worked on it for nearly an hour. So, inspired by that, I decided that I’d give the children back the shelf toys that the supervisors had taken from them, “because nobody would listen and pick up toys when they were told.”
I asked how long ago this was. Nobody could recall. Holy shit, nobody could recall! This means what, months ago this punishment went into effect? And the boxes of shelf toys were all just thrown haphazardly into some bin in the middle of cemented part of the playground.

“Well”, I said, “Why don’t we try it with them again?”

As I was fixing up the shelf toy area, Temp C came up to me, grinning. She said she overheard Temp A and Temp B saying after all the work they’re doing today, they’re not gonna do ANY work for a MONTH.

I had to take a deep breath and remember to breathe instead of rage.

Breathe instead of rage.

Day Six: Tuesday, May 27
Today I got into work at 8am and found that a supervisor and a temp teacher had been there since 7am. I told them I thought we were supposed to show up at 8am. They said they thought everyone else was supposed to show up at 9am, but that they were told to be there at 7am. There was a child in the building already. Today is Zoo day, so the parents were told to bring their children to the zoo by 9am.

Well, I thought we were all told to show up at 8am.

One more temp trickled in around 8:45am and when asked, said that’s she was told to come in by 9am. So the one supervisor called the other at home and told her to get into work. She even said we were not supposed to be there til 9am, but she got her ass over there right away. The director had shown up by this time as well, and was furious at the supervisor who didn’t show up on time.

The director asked us if we were going to the Zoo today. I told her yes, but admitted I’m gimpy due to a boating injury this past weekend (more on that later). She told me to stay behind then, and wait for straggling parents who show up after everyone else had departed for the zoo, then I could go home.

Parents meanwhile were showing up around 9am and asking when we were all going to the Zoo. We had to keep telling them that the Zoo doesn’t open til 10am, so we’re not leaving til about 9:30am. Parent after parent said they were told to be at the daycare by 9am. Soon the parking lot was full of parents in their cars with children. Most refused to bring the kids inside. About a dozen kids eventually ended up inside, and the director couldn’t handle the noise.

I’m not shitting you. She couldn’t handle the noise. So she had us take the kids out back to run around. This made the parents upset and start asking again if this was Zoo day and when we’d be leaving.

Finally around 9:35am, the director had us take the kids out to the front yard, and get this, some of the kids were without parents by this time. Why? Because the parents had gotten so bored waiting around that they’d LEFT their kids with us and just went to stew in their cars. So now there were grumpy kids wondering if Mom and/or Dad had abandoned them. They wanted to go search the parking lot. None of the other teachers were paying attention to this, OF COURSE.

So I gathered up half a dozen children and told them they could NOT go into the parking lot searching from car to car. I told them that cars drive into and out of the parking lot, and that it’s dangerous. I told them to wait with me, and that mommy and daddy would be here in a moment. I encouraged the kids to wave at the cars, so that mommy and daddy would see them and come for them. It worked.

The director took attendance and off everyone went, locking the building behind them, my keys still inside.
I grabbed one of the supervisors before they all jetted off and asked if I could get my keys. I also asked if all kids were there and should I stay behind and wait or come with. She had no idea. The director had already gone. She took me into the building, and I looked for my keys. Can’t find ‘em.
Grrreeeaaat.

She then left, locking me back out again. Temp A actually decided to stick around and make sure I’d be okay. Crazy, I know!
I had GEICO come out and unlock my car for me. I searched the car - no keys. We then found a janitor, who let us back into the building. I searched and searched to no avail. I saw my jacket hanging on the door and grabbed it - no keys inside.
I called the director’s emergency number and left three messages - she never once picked up her phone or returned any of my calls.

So I decided that since everyone would return at 12:30pm, that I had a couple of hours to kill, and I could finish bleaching the toys in the toddler room that are supposed to be cleaned every Friday, but don’t look like they’ve been cleaned in months, if not a year.
I can’t tell you how disgusting it was. I mean, holy crap. Ugh.

After bitching at Temp A for awhile about the director (she’s been just as upset as the rest of us at the director), I looked down at my jacket and realised that’s not the jacket I brought in to work today. I looked back at the hook for the jacket I wore in today - it wasn’t there. Then I saw my jacket on the back of a stack of chairs.

I knew my keys would be inside.

They were.

Holy shit, that was embarrassing.

This is the first major amnesiatic episode I’ve had in weeks, I think.

So now I’m home and it’s taken me over an hour to type all this up, but I had to finally get it all out of my system, so I’d not start becoming complacent with this, like everyone else seems to have become.

As a matter of fact, I’m going to contact Social Services right now. Complaining to the agency didn’t do any good last week. I told them this stuff in detail, and the place is still operating.

Next Page »