zeptember

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…

I had a burst of energy, and no cramps, so I got out of bed.

I found the fairy lights.

I took down the old burnt out lights and put up the new LEDs, and now the living room looks prettier. The new lights are purple, not blue. I like blue better but the purple will do. We’ve had a hard time finding blue LEDs this year.

I also organised a pile of stuff that needed to go back out to the storage unit, and cleared a spot by the front window so we can put all the curly willow from the wedding into one pot and create our curly willow christmas tree.

I took frequent breaks, and after hanging the lights, I had to take a nap before I could finish the rest of what I’d started. But I felt deeply accomplished in what I had done, and smiled at the living room as I lay on the couch.

When my husband got home, we went looking for rocks or stones at the local craft store, so we could secure the curly willow in one vase. I think though that we’re going to have to use more plaster and find a way to secure the branches so they don’t fall over again.
We also went to Radio Slack and got more memory for our camera.

And when we got back home, I washed most of the dishes.

That’s a lot of work for someone who was just bedridden hours earlier.

But the truth is, I was feeling better. I was antsy. I had to get out of bed. Both during and after such a productive afternoon, I felt guilty for my burst of energy and health. I felt guilty for having taken a second day off work.

Early this morning, I was in no shape to go to work. I was in a lot of pain - lower back pain and pelvic pain. And I was still bleeding a lot.

And with the type of work that I do, I can’t just say ‘okay I’m feeling better, I’ll just go in and clock a few hours at the desk’. It doesn’t work like that as a nanny. I am either there or I’m not there. There’s no coming in late for half day with that kind of job.

But even when I did have that kind of job, I still felt guilty for feeling better. I’d go into work and management would see me and wonder why I was late. They had no idea that hours earlier I was in crippling pain, shaking and pale from the blood loss. And because I knew management was judging me because of my tardiness and absences, I felt guilty, even when the truth was and is, I AM NOT AT FAULT.

It is WRONG of me to feel guilt over something as lovely as being pain-free for a couple of hours.

When the pain does return, it won’t be because I was active. The pain will return regardless of whether I was in bed or active.

The guilt needs to stop. I need to stop worrying about being judged on account of having an incurable debilitating illness. Those who would judge me for being pain free and happy for a few hours in the middle of my cycle - they are not worthy of my attention, much less my caring, worrying or any emotion. They are not worthwhile.

Say it with me now…
I am not guilty. I have no regrets. I did what I wanted to with the time that I had to enjoy pain-free. I am content. I am okay with my actions. I have no regret.

11:20pm Edit: See? No need to feel guilty. The gushing clotting blood and pain has returned.

Today, I began my research anew and learned from ovarian-cysts-pcos.com, that what I have firstly is a Functional (physiologic) cyst, and secondly, under that category, it is a corpus luteum cyst.
But I still haven’t found info on how long it takes for a cyst to grow to 4cm in size.

However, ovarian-cysts-pcos.com also tells me the following:

“Rarely, a corpus luteum cyst can grow to 3″-4″ in diameter and potentially bleed into itself, or twist your ovary, thus causing pelvic or abdominal pain.”

Okay, so what I have is considered rare.

This lends further credence to my belief that I should be sent out ASAP for a radiology appointment.

And today is yet another day where I have yet to hear back from my gynecologist.

ovarian-cysts-pcos.com also says the following:

“A recent study from the Institute of Research Pharmacology in Italy analyzed the diet over a ten-year span of 225 women with benign ovarian cysts and 450 women who did not have ovarian cysts.
The researchers discovered that the type of food eaten influenced the development of cysts. For example, they said that women who consumed the most beef and cheese developed the most ovarian cysts. In contrast, consumption of green vegetables provided a strong protective effect. This study makes it clear that what you eat will influence whether or not you develop ovarian cysts.”

The article concludes by saying they’ve written a book chock full of dietary advice, called The Natural Diet Solution to PCOS and Infertility, and notes that the same diet also helps those with ovarian cysts. The book of course is $30.
I might be inclined towards its purchase because they did not refer to their knowledge as “secrets”, nor did they have a website layout mimicking those of scam artists, as the Mary Parker (as mentioned in my previous entry) site does. And, bonus, they gave diet clues in their article.

I also found websites stating that refined sugars and carbs are culprits in ovarian cyst creation. answers.com in particular states

Dietary guidelines for treatment and prevention of cysts include:

• Eliminating caffeine and alcohol.

• Reducing intake of sugars, including honey and maple syrup, and refined starches such as white flour products.
• Increasing use of foods rich in vitamin A and carotenoids; good choices include carrots, tomatoes, and salad greens.
• Eating foods high in B vitamins such as whole grains.
• Including a dietary source of iodine such as seaweed for thyroid support.

Nutritional supplements include:

• Omega-3 essential fatty acids, such as flaxseed oil or evening primrose oil to promote hormonal balance. Essential fatty acids are also found in fatty fish like salmon and trout.

• Vitamins A, C, and E, and the minerals zinc and selenium. Zinc and selenium should be taken at different times. A good multivitamin and mineral supplement is also recommended.

That site also notes
“Cysts less than 1.6 in (4 cm) in diameter are considered normal in premenopausal women”, which again means the 4cm cyst I have is not normal.

Furthermore, let me state again that this is at least the second month in a row where my period was longer than normal, caused nausea, and behaved strangely at onset.

The answers.com site has a lot of other good info in their article on ovarian cysts, too. Check it out.

There are other websites, too, but the answers.com and the ovarian-cysts-pcos.com sites are the two best which educated me in a manner I could understand.
I was sorely disappointed when I clicked a link from google, which took me into another ezinearticles.com article, and that article once again led to another link for scam artist advertising. There was a time when I had considered ezinearticles.com a respectable site. I just checked my own website to make sure I don’t have any ezinearticles.com links on it. I’m glad I don’t.

So…what now?

I have some info on what to do to avoid ovarian cysts in the future, but I still don’t know how long mine has been growing for, which might give me an idea as to whether it’s going to continue to grow larger. And I still don’t have the radiologist appointment to ease my fears as to the danger that this cyst poses.

I’d like to also note that as of Monday, strengthening in pain on Tuesday, I am ovulating again, and this time, the pain is sharp on the other (right) side.

Every other day since my last menstrual cycle ended on November 9th, the pain is heavy enough that I must go to bed with a heating pad placed firstly on my lower back, then alternating to front pelvic region. I have NOT had my energy back like I always get after a menstrual cycle. I’ve also been very constipated, and I’m normally not this bad after my cycle ends. Plus, with the detox diet I’m on, I should be freeing up. I am having more movements per day, but it hurts. The answers.com site says “Other symptoms of cysts include late or missed periods, feelings of pressure or weight in the lower abdomen, and constipation and problems urinating due to internal pressure from cysts.”

Just so I have it for future reference, two other websites to check out for ovarian cyst info:
http://www.emedicine.com/emerg/byname/Ovarian-Cysts.htm
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/DS/00129.html

I’m called my GYN again, and left another message.

Have I mentioned that I feel like I’ll die before I ever get any proper help?

I’ve been fretting at work that the child I care for hasn’t had a stroller ride in likely over a month while under my watch. Last month, I was laid up with george, then for the next two weeks, I didn’t want to risk getting sunburned before my wedding, nor did I want to risk getting skin breakouts from sunblock again (I’ve gone through several brands to no avail). Then the week after the wedding, the weather was cold and wet, and I wasn’t feeling well, and then that turned into another week of george.

So yesterday, I was feeling better and still had the energy that began anew on Sunday, and I decided to take the baby for a walk up to the local elementary school and back again.

This still means walking up a steep hill, back down again, and then another steep hill leading back to the child’s house.

And all the while I was prepping the child for her walk, I was excited to get out of the house and be active again, but I had a nagging thought in the back of my head, telling me I should still be taking it easy, and that over exertion could lead to more pain.
But I dismissed the nag with confidence, declaring back to myself that george was gone for another 22ish days, so I’ll be fine.

“But, the cyst…” my inner nag bleated…

“I’ll be FINE.” I retorted inwardly.

So we went on our walk. I must note that the stroller probably weighs about 8lbs, and the baby weighs 18lbs, and the diaper bag is 10lbs. Add to that my huge full water bottle, which weighs 5lbs. That’s 41lbs (18kg) I’m pushing up the hills and holding back on the downhills. It’s quite a workout.

About 1/4 way into the walk, I grew very tired, and my pace slowed to a snail. I usually take it slow walking up hills anyway due to my congenitally misaligned knees (did you know that as a child all the way through high school, I was forbidden by doctor’s orders to participate in any gym exercises that required me to put a lot of stress on my knees?).
But I was walking even slower than usual and was really out of breath.

Even getting up and down from the floor while playing with baby yesterday, I was really out of breath. Moreso than usual after coming back from several days bedridden.

When we got back to the house, the day continued on as normal.

Until around 3pm, when I was sitting on the couch in the living room, and the baby dropped her toy on the floor. She was sitting not more than 18 inches away from me in her exersaucer. Naturally, I leaned forward to pick up the baby’s toy.

That’s when I gasped and nearly fell off the couch from the pain. It was sudden, sharp, jarring, knifing pain. But just like that, it was over with, leaving me near tears, and really fatigued again. Every few minutes, I’d also get a sharp pain through my anus, just like I do right before or during george.

I got the same pains no less than three times apiece while upstairs with the baby, sitting on the floor with her. Each time, I would either lean forward to get up, or I would twist my sitting torso to the side to reach for something when the pain knifed me again.
It didn’t matter which side I turned to.

So I looked up symptoms of an ovarian cyst:

• Lower abdominal or pelvic pain, which may start and stop and may be severe, sudden, and sharp

• Irregular menstrual periods
• Feeling of lower abdominal or pelvic pressure or fullness
• Long-term pelvic pain during menstrual period that may also be felt in the lower back
• Pelvic pain after strenuous exercise or sexual intercourse
• Pain or pressure with urination or bowel movements
• Nausea and vomiting
• Vaginal pain or spots of blood from vagina

I have most of those symptoms (except for the pain w/ bowel movements and vaginal pain/bleeding). I’m watching closely to see if any non-menstrual-cycle bleeding develops. If it does, I’m hightailing it to the emergency room. There’s a whole other list of stuff I have to watch for, which will land me in the E.R., too.

When the baby’s mother got home from work, I had a talk with her. I asked her how this arrangement is working out, now that she’s had a chance to see my illness in action, and knowing well ahead of me working for her that I have Endometriosis, but not knowing that I’d developed a cyst, which gave more uncertainty to the days off of work.

She replied that it’s really frustrating and tough on her and her husband. But she still thinks it’s working out well with me as their nanny because the baby, although getting off to a rough start, has really taken to me.

While talking with her, I leaned forward and gasped in horrific pain again. The mother stopped mid-sentence and looked at me. I told her “it’s that fast, the pain is gone. It happens when I sit forward. It’s the cyst.”

The parent continued that she worries that although her job and her husband’s job says it’s fine that they take 1-3 days off work each month on account of me, they are worried that at some point in the not too distant future, their jobs will decide otherwise - that it’s actually NOT okay.
They both work for the dotcom industry, and having worked there for a decade myself, I totally understand that fear. Dotcoms are notoriously backstabbing towards their employees.

I asked the parent if she had any sort of backup - a substitute - in place for when I’m not there. She said no. I asked her if I could appeal to the Bay Area Nanny group that I belong to. She said not unless there’s someone there that I know in person and really trust. I told her there’s not, because I’m new to the group and haven’t actually met anyone in person, yet.

So basically, they are screwing themselves. I advised them of my illness and sent them resources to educate them of my illness before I started working for them. If something happens to me, they’re totally up shit’s creek. This is in no way my fault. I must not let any thinking get into my head that I HAVE to be here at all costs for this family. I’ve had a lot of problems easing into this family - they didn’t have their baby bottle or sleep trained when I arrived. They didn’t have their baby socialised in any form - she’d only been around mommy, and mommy took 2 extra months of maternity leave. So instead of isolation for four months, it was six months, extending into the phase of a child’s life where it begins to develop fear of strangers. This is also in no way my fault. I have tried my best to be the best person for this job and for this family. I will continue to do my best but it is time that I work on a replacement and start presenting options to the family.

Getting back to the side effects of having this ovarian cyst, on my way home from work, I had gotten no further than 2 miles when sudden fatigue and weakness overtook me. I literally had to fight to hold onto the steering wheel, and keep my eyes open. The lower back pain set in on the way home, affecting both sides of my lower back. Not even my little car pillow helped ease the pain.
When I got home, I staggered through the front door and almost collapsed in my husband’s arms. I had no bleeding - just massive fatigue and moderate low back pain. I was put immediately to bed with a heating pad. I napped for at least half an hour before my husband insisted I have some dinner. After dinner, I watched some TV while still applying a heating pad. At one point, I broke down and sobbed to my husband that I feel like I somehow either manifested the ovarian cyst with all the stress of wedding planning over a year’s time, or the cyst was already forming and made me so much girlier than I normally am, and I should have caught that as a warning sign rather than thinking it was the wedding planning itself making me more girly. My husband told me not to think like that, that it’s totally out of my control and not my fault. He hugged me tight.
I went to bed for the night at 9:30pm, about two hours earlier than I normally get to bed these days.

Got up this morning feeling better, and went off to work. Halfway to work, I was overcome with massive fatigue again, and moderate low back pain. In addition to that, I developed left side shoulder stiffness with mild pain.

I started to really worry that a hospital visit is in my near future.
When I got to work, I let the parent know my current condition. She and my husband do have each other’s cell numbers ever since the emergency on Friday when I had to leave work.

I called my GYN yesterday for status but have not heard back from her. Feeling very frustrated right now.

Also, totally taking it easy for the rest of the week, if not the rest of the month. No strenuous exercise for me. The baby wrangling is exercise enough.

I’ve been thinking about the visit to the GYN on Friday. I’ve been researching stuff on the web, and it’s not helping with my anxiety.

On Friday, my GYN told me I have a 4cm ovarian cyst on the left side, exactly where I told her a lot of the pain was coming from. I’m the one who pushed for the vaginal ultrasound, which led to the confirmation of said cyst.

My GYN told me I have a thick endometrial lining, which meant more clots were on the way. However, I never passed further large clots. The bleeding went away on Sunday. The low back pain continued through Sunday night.

My GYN told me she was worried about torsion and told me that torsion is when the ovary twists in such a manner that the blood supply gets cut off and the ovary then dies and decomposes, leaving the patient in severe pain until the rotting tissue is surgically removed.

So between my GYN and the Internet, since Friday, I’ve experienced fleeting panic.

The Internet tells me that a thickened endometrial lining can mean fibroids, endometrial hyperplasia, adenomyosis, or endometrial cancer. The first several websites I clicked into were enough to send my heart racing, especially the one about endometrial cancer, because I looked at the risk factors, and a few stuck out for me:

• high levels of estrogen
• nulliparity (never having carried a pregnancy)
• late menopause (I started late, at age 14, so I wonder if menopause will also be later than ‘normal’)
• high intake of animal fat (how much is too much? I grew up in the midwest - I ate a lot of meat growing up, especially red meat)

The Internet tells me that ovarian cysts can be caused by a number of things, but these stuck out for me:

• History of previous ovarian cysts (I had a tiny 11mm ovarian cyst on the right ovary in July, 2005, which reabsorbed after a few months)
• Irregular menstrual cycles (this month and last month)
• Hypothyroidism or hormonal imbalance (I’ve requested a thyroid panel run nearly every year since at least 2001 and it always comes back normal, despite the fact that I think there is something wrong. I am going to have to push for an in-depth test).

And can I just say, the whole nulliparity issue really has me pissed off at the universe. I even cried while I was at my Chi Nei Tsang appointment on Saturday, saying I feel like I am being punished by nature for my personal choice not to have children. I’ve felt this before. I’ve experienced frustration with this before. But it’s come up anew, and makes me outright angry, because to me, it means that once again, I am not in control of my own body. My body is run ultimately at a basal, instinctual, primal level. That is, no matter how much I’d like to think my thoughts and emotions are in control of my body and my existence, they’re not.
That is, my whole purpose as a female bipedal hominid is to reproduce, or else my body self destructs.

Or Else.

That’s enough to make me want to give up, right there. Why bother fighting? I fought this long and now I’m in self-destruct mode because I rebelled. Great. And what if things turn out alright? Do I give in to the basal, instinctual, primal level at which my body is operating, and start breeding? And then what are the risks to this bipedal hominid’s offspring, since the one bearing them is past age 35 and well into the danger zone for birth defects ranging from the mental to the physical in her offspring? Does this SAVE my body from self destructing? Does it reverse any damage or stop it in its tracks? And then what do I do with the offspring, especially if they are damaged? I don’t want children. Would I be the kind of person who would risk bearing a child in an effort to try to save myself?
Yes, yes I would, but only if I had a guarantee that my health would improve, and that I could place the child out for adoption, especially if it had birth defects.
But a guarantee of better health is not possible. But yes, I am initially that kind of person. And I’m okay with that. I don’t care what others want to say about the topic. Well unless it’s my husband - he totally gets a say in it.

Getting back on topic again, leaving the free form thought behind for a moment, I return to the Internet and found a doctor’s post on medhelp.org, wherein he writes, “The proper work up for irregular bleeding in a woman over 35 would include ruling out pregnancy, checking for an endocrine abnormality (e.g., thyroid hormone changes), assessing for structural lesions within the uterus (like endometrial polyps/fibroids usually by office hysteroscopy — i.e., looking inside the uterus with a small camera–or sonohysterogram–instilling saline into the uterus while simultaneously having a ultrasound), considering anovulation (not ovulating monthly reflective of perimenopause) and performing an endometrial biopsy to look for abnormal tissue inside the uterus (e.g. endometrial hyperplasia or cancer). With those results proper treatment can be instituted.” - Keith Downing, MD.

So again with the cancer risk, coming from a doctor.

And then, to make me feel a little bit better, the Internet also tells me that Approximately 60% of torsion occurs on the right side. So in the short term, I don’t have to worry about severe pain and necrosis, because torsion isn’t the likely issue in my case.

However, long term (meaning the next six weeks and beyond) continues to remain quite scary and anxious for me as I continue to work with my GYN to figure out what’s going on.

Lastly, just a minor note to remind myself that this post took two days to write because I’m that busy with work, commuting and errands to even remember to breathe.

Last night I was crying because I was upset for my chosen sister, whose cat of 16 years (and a cousin to my cats, so I knew him well) passed away. My sister has endured a lot of loss this month and I just feel it isn’t fair.

My eyes were red and hurty last night so I put in some Visine drops.

This morning I woke up with my eyes puffed nearly shut.
In the 20 minutes I’ve been awake, the left eye seems to have improved somewhat, but the right eye still has major swelling near the duct (near the bridge of the nose). And I have a headache.
Is this JUST from crying so hard? Or is this because of a reaction to Visine?

GAH…this bullshit, on top of the Endometriosis pain.

Oh and have I mentioned my cough returned yesterday?

I’d like to sob uncontrollably but that will just make my eyes, and just everything, worse.

On my way home from work today, I went in and had a talk with the hairdresser and told her what I was looking for and how she didn’t deliver. I planned to rip her a new asshole and stare her down, such as is my style, but instead found myself near tears. This is all too much for me right now.

She’s going to refund the money, and she did offer to redo my hair, but I told her the trust is gone, I just don’t feel comfortable anymore. She apologised, and I went on my way.

Now I need to get an appointment with Emmie - a friend of a friend that several people recommended.

Two days ago I went to a salon and asked for streaks of various reds. I’d talked with my hairdresser a month previous about what exactly I wanted, and she’s given me purple streaks before, so I felt confident in her abilities.

She royally fucked it up!!!!

She gave me various auburn, brown and strawberry blonde HORIZONTAL PATCHES instead of streaks. She tried to fix it by redyeing my hair on the same day, which fixed the massive blonde spot on the top of my head by turning it a darker red, but it didn’t fix the fact that it’s a PATCH, not several streaks. And now my hair feels fried and my scalp IS DEFINITELY burned and painful.

What does one do to fix it (aside from setting your hairdresser on fire)?

How soon can more dye be applied? I will be appealing to my LiveJournal friends.

My man says it doesn’t look bad but if it was vertical streaks I was looking for? epic fail.

I paid $140 for this. Some sort of ass kicking is in order.

Pix of the train wreck:

And this is what I printed out and handed to the hairdresser to describe what I wanted done, specifically mentioning in detail to her that I wanted firey flamey red streaks; with bright copper, ‘fire engine red’, strawberry blonde and auburn streaks.

I am 19 days away from my wedding and this type of fuckup has me freaking the fuck out. I’ve been hyper concerned about my appearance - from dry skin patches and dermatitis on my face and hands, to the proper way to keep lipstick on all day, to having hair in perfect NON FRIED condition. And I feel like no matter what I do, it’ll turn out horrible on the day of the wedding.

Well I wanted to get out to the club for the undead wedding themed party last Friday, but instead, the snotmonster cold I’d been fighting for a week finally caught up with me and killed me dead.

I took it easy for most of the weekend, while trying to get as many chores done as possible. Ugh, no more time, time running out. AIEEEE.

I’m tired of hemorrhaging money. Please, make it stop. Had a minor meltdown at B over this last night.

The cough and snotfest seems to have stopped as of today. I’ve coughed only twice. I spent the weekend drinking tea and water and eating assloads of vitamin C, vitamin B, cal/mag and zinc vitamins.

Although I ran errands on Saturday and Sunday, I feel like it was wasted time, all for naught, nothing accomplished. So frustrating.

The other monster I’ve been trying to keep at bay is the Endometriosis. I’ve exhibited symptoms for two damned weeks now. I blame myself for having a shitty diet because I’ve been under stress of starting a new job and continued “hurry up and wait…GO! AAAIIIIEEEE” on all the chores that need to be done before the end of this month.
When I woke up this morning, the pain was there. I checked myself every ten minutes but no girl do0m. I waited til the last possible minute to get dressed and go out the door cuz I wanted to be sure I didn’t have to call in sick. My body gave me the shaky ’sure, you’re alright’ nod, and off I went to work, zo0m.

It’s been a mellow day here with the baby. I’ve not taken her on a stroller ride outside. My body is shutting down. No energy. So tired. Knees have had it. Pelvic region aching.
I’m still on Motrin twice a day since last week.

Gah - I haven’t even gotten plane tickets to Michigan yet for November. I’ve not been home in 4 years, 3 months and 23 days (and counting). I’m going home to visit, dammit! I don’t care if Michigan will be frozen over by then! I wanna go home.
Hey, with all the bare trees Michigan will have by then, and spo0ky overcast sky, I’ll get some awesome graveyard pix for ya’ll. :p

But now, right now, I’m missing peak colour. *sob*

Just finished my first full week on the new job.

In one week I’ve gotten plugged ears from having to wear earplugs all day after having my eardrums pierced by screams of a 6-month-old for two days straight. She screams all day because she misses her mother. She’s inconsolable. I’ve tried everything within humane ability to calm the child - to no avail.

In one week I’ve gained weight rather than losing it.

In one week I’ve gotten very sore calves and shins from hiking with a stroller up suburban sidewalks and roads that I estimate to be 10 to 15% gradient steep.

So I should be losing weight. But I get home from work and chow down on fatty and sugary foods for comfort. I’ve been officially depressed since Wednesday, the day of my birthday. My man took me out for drinks and dinner that night, and I overdid it. I woke with thee worst headache and the spins around 4am. Great going.

I don’t think I’ve had a healthy meal once this week. This child doesn’t even let me have time to eat a meal in silence. Even when she’s sleeping, unless the stroller is continually moving, she wakes up and the screaming starts again. So I get no break. I have to move the stroller. It’s hard to prepare food for lunch and type up how the day is going when having to keep a stroller rocking to and fro. I can’t make any phone calls because the slightest murmur out of me wakes her up and she begins screaming. But noise from passing trucks outside when I’m walking her, or noise from the TV when I’m rocking the stroller back and forth - those are fine for her.

I had a heart to heart with the parent of the child I’m working with, and told her that if the baby doesn’t begin adjusting to me and getting better bottle training from mom and dad this weekend and continuing nightly when I’m not there, then the absolute most I can last will be to mid-October.

I have bruises on my inner thigh where it nearly meets the pubic area because that’s where the baby pounds her feet on me when I’m trying to put her to my shoulder and rock her to calm her down. She has slapped me repeatedly on the arms and face, and has spat food and milk on my shirt, my face, and my coat. Her screams are with such force and shrill that I crack after an hour and a half. I got two full days of work in this week but the other three, I had to call the mother home because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. And to be extra cruel, it’s as if the baby knows I’ve just called mom home, because she settles down in time for mom to walk through the door and give me that look like I’ve just cried wolf.

So today I let the mom hear her baby by phone, rather than texting her or Internet chatting with her about how the day is going.

On Monday, the mother is sending her friend over to give me a break for a bit and we’ll see how that goes. Gotta see if this will be a daily thing or what. I guess it all depends on how it goes on Monday. And on Friday, my friend is bringing her baby over to see if another baby’s face might help calm the girl I’m caring for. There are no parks nearby where other babies would be found playing. There’s an elementary school up the hill, but the kids are not available to play with a baby off the street. They’re in school.

Oh and there’s the bees. I get chased by yellow jackets every fucking time I set foot outside of that house. The hills and brush around where that family lives, all the way down to the shoreline, is teeming with yellow jackets. If they’re not after the milk on the baby’s breath, they’re after my sunblock or my hair or something.

While rushing uphill away from a yellow jacket yesterday, I stepped in dog shit. I began cursing and this woke the baby and for the next half hour, I now had a screaming baby that I had to take back down the 15% gradient hill. People on the street walking their dogs or tending their lawns kept looking at me. They’d look away, then back again as the child screamed and screamed. I would stop the carriage, peek in at her, and she’d scream even harder.

She wants nothing to do with me. So long as I’m behind the carriage, she’s more fine than with me in front of it, but the screaming is a given. This all started on my birthday, because on Monday and Tuesday, I was able to rock her to sleep and she slept on me. I don’t know what the change was.

All I know is, if she doesn’t get used to me soon, I’m resigning. And I’m only doing babysitting gigs until the wedding is over. Maybe even take a break til the end of the year. Who knows.

On a bittersweet note, I like all the exercise I’m getting, and the ocean view I get is really awesome. I will have to take my camera with me next week on the job. Hopefully there will still be some sunny days left, cuz that area is usually fogged in for most of the day. When I used to live down the road from this area back in 2000, I used to joke that I lived in Alaska because of the constant gloom, the fog so dense that it felt like it was raining all the time, and then the rain in wintertime pelting and accompanied by gale force winds.

There is truth to the saying, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.'’

After midnight last night, I was still high on pain meds and still waiting for the pain to actually go away when I got up out of bed and used the bathroom. After washing my hands, I tried to turn off the faucet, and it wouldn’t turn off.

I had an instant flashback to childhood when this happened to me.

I used to have deliriums up to about age 12, in which everything during a dream state would suddenly move super fast, then slow wayyyy down to slow motion, then speed up super fast again. I’d wake from the dream, only to find that the fast/slow motion was now happening in real life. I’d get nauseated and run for the bathroom to throw up, only I was going in slow motion. Then I’d blink and suddenly I was at the toilet with dry heaves, or I’d be at the sink and the water wouldn’t turn off, no matter which way I turned the faucet.
I’d blink again and I was at the door to the bathroom, looking both ways as though I was about to cross a busy street. I hated that time in my life. Strangely, the deliriums stopped when we moved out of that house.

So when the faucet wouldn’t turn off last night, I thought I was having a delirium, because as I said, I was high on pain medication. I ran to the bedroom and called for B, telling him I was hallucinating and the faucet wouldn’t turn off.

Well I wasn’t hallucinating. The faucet really wouldn’t turn off. B tried to force it cuz that’s what guys do, and broke the handle off, and the water was still going. I told him to move move move outta the way, and I got under the sink to turn the water off from there. Again with the no matter which way I turned, the water would not turn off.

B got under the sink and I excitedly told him to NOT FORCE IT. He turned the handle slowly to the right - it took several more turns than I had done, but he finally got the water shut off.

Today we called the landlady and told her about the faucet. She came by while we were out of the house for a moment. We told her we’d be out for a moment and to just come in. You’d think a landlady would have the key to the house but no. You’d think she’d have our cell numbers but no. When we got home, I saw that she left a message on the landline, saying she’d been waiting for 20 minutes and would return later.

She came by while I was passed out from pain meds again, and had a look at the sink. She said she’d bring a new faucet tomorrow, along with the new bathroom fan cover for the ceiling fan her husband replaced a couple weeks ago and left unfinished. She then dashed out the door as I called WAIT, WAIT and tried to get out of bed again. I wanted to know when tomorrow she’d be over, as we may be out again. I tried to get out of bed as fast as I could and saw her already rushing past the window - she’d gone out the door already. She was nearly running. This woman is always like this. She’s a fucking spaz case who never even lets people finish any sentences, never waits for info on a situation, never trusts that the people she employs to do the home repair work she’s supposed to do will do it right, including her own husband. Always has a smart ass attitude and under the breath commentary.
I went out the door after her and called her name twice but she kept going. So I came back in and slammed the door. Nothing like anger to bring one out of a drug haze, but bring on the nausea.

Fucking cunt. And I said it aloud when I slammed the door.

This is the same bitch you’ll recall that took her time looking into the carbon monoxide poisoning and even getting us alternate heating on the coldest night of the winter about seven months ago.

The world is not ending, I just can’t stand my landlady.

We have no hot water faucet for the bathroom sink for another day. Big whoop. It’s fine. We’ve had a ghetto looking, dangling ceiling fan cover in the bathroom for two weeks. Big whoop. It’s fine.

But MAN does that woman piss me off.

I know, I’m breathing. I’m gonna take a chill pill. It’s fine. It’s okay. Just had to get it off my chest.