zeptember

Alcohol is a central nervous system (CNS) depressant. I blacked out on alcohol last Saturday night and spent the entire next day on bedrest, I was so hung over. As of today, I’m still dehydrated. It is not a surprise that I’m also seriously depressed since Sunday.

I had my head shrink appointment yesterday and talked a little about what happened. I expected the shrink to listen to me, but instead she spent the hour interjecting her assumptions about my behaviour, and also disbelieving my reasons and insecurities. She’s never been this bad, before. I was highly annoyed by this, and finally told her to STOP.
I told her I don’t think we’re a good fit and that I’m really doubting whether to continue with her.

Examples of the things she said to me was:

“You didn’t HAVE to go to your husband’s reunion - he makes enough money, he could have just let it go.”
NO, I committed to go and wanted to go to show support for him. He was really anxious and nervous himself about this. And although he makes “enough money”, he can be very frugal, and has actually been QUITE frugal since finally realising that I’ve become financially dependent upon him because my job pays jack shit and I’ve spent the last three years trying to make a living outside of dotcom work so that I don’t end up in a fucking padded cell.

“You could have left the room / left the reunion all together once you were attempting to take that first drink”.
NO, I couldn’t - when the anxiety sets in that way, I become rooted and fixed, like a deer caught in headlights. I endure rather than extricate. That is what my mind does to me. I’ve been going over this with you from session one.
That woman actually argued with me on this, and kept saying, “yes, yes you could have left, I think it would have been okay.”

HELLO! NOT LISTENING!!!

She began to plead with me to try rehab and at this point I got verbally combative with her. I had full on attitude at this point. Not using expletives or calling her names or anything like that - just being VERY assertive in my refusal and saying I don’t CARE about anyone else’s sob story in group therapy, it’s a total waste of my time and energy when I’m telling you up front that I’m not on board with it, and besides, sending me to a group type therapy situation when I have severe social phobia is counterproductive and will lead me into the bottle faster than you can say BOO.

And then she wanted to talk about my dysfunctional fundamentalist family again. She returns to this subject every time we’re in session. I told her she’s fascinated by this story of mine. She called my family ‘tragic’.
I told her having to talk about my upbringing and my family has dredged up a lot of anger and anxiety. I told her I came to therapy to discuss my social anxiety issues - the anxiety which leads me to drink alcohol when I’m out. I told her the family issues are a whole other topic.

Again she went back to false assumptions about my social alcoholic behaviour and I had to tell her to STOP. I told her she can’t ever think I’m making progress, and she can’t ever assume that a certain social situation WILL lead me to drink. I cited several examples of where I’d be led to drink in one case but not in the other, for the same type of event or outing.
She responded with “it makes it very hard to treat you.”

WELL! I’m so sorry I’m not nicely fitted into one of your psychological DSMs!

We ended the session with her asking me what my availability is for next week. I responded, “bedridden”. It’ll be george time again.
She penciled me in sometime during the first week of November, but I am now seriously doubting whether I want to continue with this woman.

I feel like I’m left to fight through my social phobia alone, once again.

In other news, I have not gotten another canker sore since Saturday. I threw away the chapstick with clove oil, thinking perhaps my body is allergic to it, or that it had become contaminated. And I’ve been rehydrating with pedialyte and with electrolyte water since Sunday.

The depression is the worst, right now.

We’re four days from our one year wedding anniversary, and I have no interest in celebrating it. There’s a big ugly reason in there too that I don’t want to get into. The hint is trust - ruined in May, 2009.

We’re ten days away from Halloween and have no definite plans for that day/night, or that weekend for that matter. We have barely decorated the house this year. The haunted backyard isn’t happening because no one had time to give to it this year (but I’ve been fine with that - just wanted to note that it’s not happening in case I look back and say, “what, did you cancel your haunted backyard due to depression?” No, it got cancelled and I am actually happy about that).

I need to get past this bout of depression.

I told my therapist what I need right now is ativan to help me because I’m either going to continue to get into that bottle to manage my anxiety and stress, or I’m going to continue taking vicoprofen to calm the hell down, when vicoprofen is supposed to be for my endometriosis pain, NOT stress.

She wrote a letter to my doctor urging him to prescribe ativan for me, then gave me a lecture on how not to abuse it. I rolled my eyes at her and told her I’ve been on this for short term periods less than a handful of times in my life. I basically told HER to chill out.

Seriously. She’s fired. I’m looking for a new shrink.

Two more things - my eyes are still weeping sticky, itchy goo, and yesterday the goo went from clear-coloured to white. I’ve been using Naphcon-A allergy eye drops since yesterday but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. I made an appointment to see my eye doctor - that appointment is tomorrow.

I’ve also been wracking my brains as to what’s causing me to be so sensitive suddenly to chemicals. I had a disturbing revelation yesterday - I likely caused this myself by consenting to have my house sprayed down with Deltamethrin to rid us of the severe ant problem we had over the summer. The ant spraying happened in late August or early September, and after all the bitching I did about having autoimmune issues and not wanting the spray, I not only caved in and allowed it, I actually WALKED IN DURING THE SPRAYING because I forgot something petty before leaving the house. I had my nose and mouth fully covered by two shirts when I walked in, but still.
If the initial exposure didn’t do it, perhaps coming back to the house several hours after spraying did it and I’m just that sensitive, like I had feared. We should have stayed out of the house with the cats overnight.

I have had a lot of self-hatred going on lately, which magnifies the depression. Let’s see if I make it out alive.

On Saturday I got in to see the doctor to find out if I still had pink eye. I had woken up with crusties in my eyes that morning, and I was still experiencing light sensitivity and itchy eyes, but they never got that stereotypical red gross infected look the entire time I’ve had pink eye. My eyes looked bloodshot at times but even that was fleeting.

Before going to the doctor’s office, another canker sore popped out.
The doctor I saw was not the same doctor I saw last time (it’s always whoever is on duty). She told me that my lymph nodes were swollen again, and that a canker sore MIGHT cause the lymph nodes to be swollen. More than that, she said that a virus MIGHT ALSO cause a canker sore. The previous doctor had said a canker sore would NOT cause swollen lymph nodes, and had said that canker sores are NOT caused by viruses.

The doctor examined my eyes and said I was over the worst of it, and cleared me to go out in public without running the risk of infecting people. She said point blank that I was no longer contagious but that I should continue to practice frequent hand washing until the virus has run its course.

I showed her the canker sore and she said any stress, mentally or physically on the body, could cause canker sores. She said having a virus is a stress on the body.

I told her about the eye drops feeling like they were making my eyes worse, and how I got diarrhea and sore throat - I told her I suspect those are side effects to the eye drops because I discontinued the drops for over 24 hours and the diarrhea and sore throat cleared. I began using the eye drops again and got the same side effect the next morning - that morning of the doctor appointment.
The doctor examined my throat and found that it was indeed inflamed. She told me it was okay to discontinue the eye drops and that no replacement antibiotic drops were necessary, and she said her staff would dispose of the drops (I had brought them with me).

At the close of the visit, we went over my blood test results - the thyroid and the liver blood panels came back perfect. I asked the doctor if I was in the high end of normal or the low end of normal for the thyroid panel - she said I was smack in the middle of normal. Hooray! But boo! I was kinda hoping that I could explain some of the pelvic pain away with a thyroid issue, but I guess my thyroid is fine. Which means the endometriosis is still rife within me. Simply taking a thyroid medicine won’t help rid me of the pain. I need to get another surgery to carve out the endometriosis, if it is even able to be carved out.
Ugh. Surgery. Ugh, being cut open. Ugh, $1,500 or more out of pocket co-pay. Ugh, two solid weeks off work again. Ugh, recovery is a bitch. You see why I’d rather it have been a thyroid issue which I could just take a pill for?
I’m not giving up on the thyroid issue, dammit. My ‘normal’ body temperature is around 97.5°F. THAT screams hypothyroidism.

I got home from the doctor’s office and told my husband the good news - I could accompany him to his 20-year high school reunion, because the doctor said I was no longer highly contagious.

However, as the day progressed, the canker sore got bigger, and bigger and for the first time since I began getting the canker sores, this one actually hurt.

We went out that night and I fell off the wagon. I drank about a bottle to a bottle and a half worth of red wine. I am told I did not make an ass out of myself and that although visibly drunk I was on par with everyone else - and fine in that regard - all night. I blacked out toward the end of the night though. I don’t remember anything. Next memory I have is of me puking in the bathroom sink.
I got drunk because I was experiencing social phobia, and I was triggered by being in the same room with some of the people who tormented my husband in high school. This triggered me because my 20-year high school reunion was last month and I did not go to it because I still harbour resentment towards many of my class mates for how much they picked on me. That and I just couldn’t afford to fly out there.

The thing is, this morning from the time I woke up, I have not been this sick since I overdosed on LIQUOR.
But all I drank all night was wine.
Today I have been severely nauseated and have had the spins for the entire day. It was so bad that I remained bedridden all day. I barely ate anything. Even drinking water was difficult because of how nauseous I’ve been.
My husband took a shower and when he got out and returned to the bedroom to get dressed, I was overwhelmed with fragrance emanating from him. It was just his shampoo. It wasn’t even the horrid hair product which has keeled me over in the past. Just the fragrance in his shampoo set me off today and I staggered out of the bedroom choking for air and went and laid on the couch after setting up a fan to blow cool air in from outside.

This is really disconcerting for me. If I suddenly can no longer handle the fragrance in shampoo, it really is time to switch to a scent-free household. Last week it was the hand lotion a teacher gifted me with, which just the week before had been fine. Now suddenly the scent made me gag and gave me headaches. Yesterday we went to Sephora so I could buy new makeup (because when you get pink eye, you have to throw away your makeup), and being in that store gave me a headache and it was difficult to breathe. I did not have that problem the last time I was in that store, which was a couple of months ago.

What triggers multiple chemical sensitivity like that? Is it because I caught a virus? Will I go back to being able to handle the scent in my husband’s shampoo or is it a permanent new sensitivity?

I was able to calm my tummy for a bit with some lemongrass/chamomile tea, and by dinnertime I was actually hungry. My husband got us some thai food - I ate a little bit of vegetable pad thai and drank some thai coconut soup, and then my stomach became all unsettled again. I took some ginger tea that my husband brought home, and that helped.

But seriously? This sick off of wine?
Either I really have lost any sense of booze tolerance or someone put something in my drink last night. I don’t dare try to find out which it was. I just don’t want to drink booze of any sort. I want this feeling of avoidance to stay with me.

The canker sore popped sometime between last night and this morning. It left a crater, which is still painful and irritated.

Nice going on the one sick to another, there.

And I was hoping to have a few weeks with good health before the pelvic pain returned. Instead, I’ve been wrestling with a virus caught from work and social alcoholism. Way to go.

Just…don’t do that again.

I have no idea if I’ll be well enough to return to work tomorrow, which stresses me out.

Back on August 3, I mentioned I’d done a phone interview and would be going in for an appointment with a specialist for the social alcoholism.

Today was the appointment. I was there for all of 10 minutes before leaving. Apparently, I am disqualified because I take Tylenol 3 each month for debilitating endometriosis. Tylenol 3 contains codeine, a controlled substance. The program I’m trying to enroll in is a substance abuse program, and they have basic rules, one of which being that no substances, even for medical conditions, are to be taken while enrolled in the program.

I explained that I have endometriosis, and said that I’m meeting with a surgeon this Wednesday, but it was not likely that the surgeon would put me on any new medication that isn’t also an opiate to treat the pain while awaiting a second surgery for the endo.

The doctor conducting the in-person interview said he was sorry, but he had basic rules to follow. I became upset and told him our time had been wasted. He told me I should have mentioned the meds during the phone interview. I told him I was never asked, and that I would have disclosed the meds immediately.
He went back through my paperwork and said, “ah, one of the front desk people did the interview…” which let me know that I had initially been filtered through an incompetent who would ultimately be dealt with.
The doctor walked me out and lingered by the front desk as I exited, perhaps to have a word with the woman sitting there. I’m not sure she’s the one who took my info by phone - I think it was a guy, actually - but as long as they’re all given a what for, I’m okay with that. I’m so pissed off.

My time was wasted, I felt humiliated even though it wasn’t my fault, and now I’m dealing with rejection issues on top of having to brave going out into the big scary world first thing in the morning to a place that isn’t my day job.

I cried a little when I got home, but I don’t have time for a full on meltdown. I have to scarf down some food and get to work in the next half hour.

I called my psychologist and left a message letting her know what happened. I feel she is to blame as well, because she knows full well what meds I’m on for endometriosis and should have known that referring me to a substance abuse program for the alcohol would also entail a ban on my opiate medication. There will be words at our next meeting.

Lastly, now I may have to pay for this fucking rejection visit. I will fight it if billed.

So… I’m still not upholding my promise to stop drinking in 2009. As a matter of fact, I’ve blacked out drinking three times in the last two months; June 20, July 9, July 31.
All three times were social events with people I already know and have hung out with. Of the three, one was on a weeknight, where I had to go in to work the next day severely hungover, because my co-worker had partied with me the night before and I knew she’d call in sick, so I couldn’t.

I put myself in therapy for the social anxiety drinking on July 20th, and have only had two sessions before I got too drunk again.

Apparently I was so drunk this past Friday that when my husband came home, he found me trying to give the TV remote a drink of water with the water pitcher.

I woke up around 8am with no pants on and still in my tee shirt, bra and undies. That’s the first moment I realised I’d gotten blackout drunk again. I know that I did not blackout until I got home, because I recall leaving the bar and saying goodnight to my friends. In fact, both of my friends who were with me til the end of the night told me even today that they are amazed I told them I was so smashed, because they thought I behaved very well and only slightly drunk.

Well that’s good to hear, I guess…

But my husband was really upset with me. He was pretty depressed over having come home and seeing me like that. It reminded him of a very aweful experience we shared down in San Diego four years ago when I got blackout drunk. I’ve not touched Long Island Ice Teas and especially Gin ever since that episode, which nearly ended our relationship.

I spent all of yesterday housebound. I was despondent and even suicidal at times. Alcohol is a CNS depressant, after all. I was humiliated at what I’d gone and done again. I keep telling my husband I’ll stop drinking at social events and I keep failing him and me. I don’t do this when we’re out to dinner. I don’t do this at home with our wide assortment of wines and liquors right there in the open.
I drank water all day yesterday to no avail - I barely urinated all day. It wasn’t until I got some pedialyte and SmartWater and drank that regularly last night into today that I could feel my body start to detox a bit. Ugh.

I’ve gotten too old for this shit.

Nothing I do or say aloud or think or write down or vow - nothing helps. I still keep getting super drunk to quell the noise when I’m out at social events.

Third therapy session is tomorrow evening.

August 3, 2009 Edit:
Had a good session with the shrink tonight. Got some good info. Scheduled to meet with outpatient rehab in two weeks. Until then, I’ve grounded myself from the following social outings: bar night, tiki night, concerts, clubs, parties, group dinner gatherings, picnics and BBQs.

I will be telling people I may hang with one-on-one about the drinking and rehab, and that more than anything, if people wanna hang with me right now, NO BOOZE PLZ anywhere near me. If yer drinkin, I’m not hangin.

Happy New Year!

Today we slept in til 11:30am, got up, ate smoked salmon w/ cream cheese (B had his w/ baguette, I had mine w/ rice crackers), drank mimosas and also had some Peerless pumpkin spice coffee, and we watched Gonzo.

This year, I will:

• Become more of an advocate for Endometriosis awareness and humane treatment for those of us who suffer from it
• Put my life’s worth (1985 - present day) of diary entries about my chronic Endometriosis-related pain all in one place publicly on the Internet
• Travel to the U.K. for the first time
• Buy my first ever kitchen table
• Finally stop consuming alcoholic beverages because I know it will kill me based upon the medical condition that I have, and it’s time I started loving my innards every minute of every day instead of cursing myself for an illness I was born with
• Learn and practice yoga
• Live my first year of many decades under the new title of WIFE to my superhero
• Re-read every book I have on Tibetan Buddhism, and seek out more, because that more than any other belief system still really speaks to me 14 years after I found it
• Begin pardoning people who have incurred my wrath in years past (I’m not talking about small tiffs here, I’m talking full on silent treatment for years or decades)
• Generally start to practice true forgiveness on a grand scale

And I’d also like to quote my friend. This is second-hand as I do not recall the words as they were spoken last night, but Damion says that Chase said something last night that is so full of awesome, that I shall put it as my signature file in email…

“Let’s not hope for a better year, let’s MAKE a better year.” - Chase Worthington

Love and hugs and all that mushy crap,
zept