I was excited when the parents came home and I got out of work before the sun set. I was even more excited when I realised that ten minutes to 6pm, it was still twilight outside. I got home for the first time in months before it was pitch dark outside.
People might laugh when I say I have the winter blahs and I’m depressed, because we’ve got nothing but sunshine and 70°F (21°C) weather. But I realised by my second year living in California that Seasonal Affective Disorder/Winter Blahs does not originate from being below zero temperatures outside and snow piled high. It all has to do with the shorter daylight hours in the winter.
On top of feeling like the day is over once the sun sets, and becoming depressed, there really is not enough time in the day anymore. I get up before dawn at 5:40am, drive an hour and ten minutes to work, where I watch the sun rise from the San Mateo bridge as I drive, and then I work nine hours. During those nine hours, I have up to two and a half free hours total while the baby naps (up to one hour each time, sometimes going for an hour and a half for morning nap). During those free precious minutes, I go to work at my second job, which is unpaid - researching all things endometriosis and autoimmune, and sharing what I find on my website and public forums. I do this because I want to learn more about my illness and how to combat it, and I want others to be able to access my knowledge so they don’t have to duplicate such tedious work. It’s rewarding - I’ve had people tell me on no less than two occasions now that I’ve made them cry because they were so relieved to see someone on youtube telling the world exactly what the illness does to a person and what it feels like. They cry because they are relieved to be able to show this to loved ones, doctors, friends and say SEE? I’M NOT ALONE.
But holy shit does all this research and keeping up on forums wear me out. I’m registered on three endometriosis forums right now, and I’ve already let one go by the wayside - the very first one I ever joined - because it doesn’t come via LiveJournal or get delivered to my inbox like the other two, so I keep forgetting about it. I’m overwhelmed as it is with just the email list I’m on, jeezus over 40 emails crossed the wire today alone and I’m 350 behind.
After work, I have an hour and ten to hour and a half commute home, beginning around 5pm. I usually see the sun set as I walk out the door. It’s a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I work right on the ocean and it’s a truly beautiful view. A curse because the daylight is gone and I’m immediately depressed because the only daylight I regularly see is sunrise and sunset. I don’t often get to take the baby for stroller rides during the day because we’ve both been sick a lot over the past two months. Hell, the baby just got strep throat over the weekend and is on antibiotics again. I thought for sure I was getting the flu yesterday, cuz yesterday I was feeling achy all over, my head felt swimmy, I was super tired, I felt nauseated, weak and shaky. I napped with the baby yesterday, thereby cutting some of my research time out of the picture.
In the vein of not enough time in the day, I’ve been meaning to chronicle the financial collapse which began last autumn. I have so many urls it’s not even funny, and I probably can’t even access the stories behind the urls anymore because it’s already been five freaking months. Note that my lack of time coincides with getting married and going back to work full time!
But though I rant, I’m feeling mildly accomplished. I got home from work and just stood in the hallway with slumped shoulders, not wanting to do *anything*. Then I put myself on autopilot, hooked up the spectrum light for backup, and set to my chores like a drone. I did a load of laundry, gathered up the food recyclables, gathered up the trash, cleaned the catbox, took all garbage and food recyclables out to their respective bins, made enough turkey meat, shredded almond cheese, and guacamole for dinner tonight and lunch tomorrow, made enough breakfast berry mix for two days’ worth of yoghurt/granola/berry (I would have made more but I’m running out of yoghurt), and sat down to empty my head so as to feel better through journaling. The food prep took up the bulk of my time and is what I dreaded most next to laundry. But now I am done and happy that I don’t have to go to bed hungry, nor do I have to eat freezer food for lunch tomorrow.
Another nice thing I’d like to end my post with - I am locating more and more of my cousins on Facebook.com. It’s so weird to see them all grown up. Last time I saw most of them was 1987. Last time I saw some of them was 1997. I saw a very few of them at grandma’s funeral in 2003. If I were paying attention, I’d have gone home for Christmas in 2007 so I could say I see all my cousins every ten years. Ah well. I’m very happy to be finding them online, even if some of them are carrying on the christian fundamentalist family trait to an alarming degree. They’re still my family and I feel less vulnerable when I know the family is out there.
It’s nearly 9pm now. Time to shower, then bed.