zeptember

Here’s the thing I really want to talk about today (but first i had to get all caught up from the weekend in my last post):

I’m so frustrated about not knowing stuff about Endometriosis until years after information has been put out there. It is officially pissing me off now. Last week I wanted to know how alcohol affects my illness, because I’d had two binges this month and now I’m worried that I’ll be in worse pain or that george will be late. So I have been googling for information on diet and endometriosis, and alcohol and endometriosis.

Today I find good information to go off of, only the info came out FOUR YEARS AGO and I didn’t know about it.

That’s FOUR YEARS OF PAIN AND SUFFERING because my gynecologists and doctors don’t read up on the latest studies, and/or they don’t provide newsletters or phone calls to their patients to pass the good info on. I have to do all this myself. I’m all alone in this. It’s fucking frustrating. It drives me to rage because I feel so isolated and left out to suffer and die when there’s this wealth of information just sitting out there. It’s not fair.

Diet Linked to Endometriosis (to view the article directly, paste the url to a google search window, then click through to the story. Otherwise, if you go to the url directly, they’ll try to make you sign in as a registered user)
News Author: Laurie Barclay, MD
CME Author: Désirée Lie, MD, MSEd

July 15, 2004 — Dietary fruits and vegetables seem to protect against endometriosis, whereas red meat and ham seem to increase the risk, according to the results of two case-controlled studies published in the July issue of Human Reproduction.

“We found … that there was a 40% relative reduction in risk of endometriosis in women with higher consumption of green vegetables and fresh fruit,” lead author Fabio Parazzini, from the Gynaecologic Clinic of the University of Milan in Italy, says in a news release. “But, for those with a high intake of beef, other red meat and ham, there was an increase of about 80-100% in relative risk.”

The investigators compared dietary patterns in 504 women admitted to obstetrics and gynecology departments for laparoscopically confirmed endometriosis with those of 504 women admitted for acute nongynecological, nonhormonal, nonneoplastic conditions. Median age was 33 years (range, 20 to 65 years) in the cases and 34 years (range, 20 to 61 years) in the controls.

Participants were asked about their diet in the year preceding the interview, including how many weekly portions they ate of selected dietary items, including the major sources of retinoids and carotenoids in the Italian diet. They were also asked about alcohol and coffee consumption.

Compared with women in the lowest tertile of dietary intake, risk of endometriosis was significantly lower for the highest tertile of intake of green vegetables (odds ratio [OR], 0.3) and fresh fruit (OR, 0.6). High intake of beef and other red meat (OR, 2.0) and ham (OR, 1.8) were associated with increased risk.

Endometriosis was not significantly associated with intake of milk, liver, carrots, cheese, fish, whole-grain foods, coffee, alcohol, butter, margarine, or oil.

If these findings are confirmed in prospective studies, the authors suggest that attention to diet could reduce the prevalence of endometriosis from 5% in Italy to around 3% to 4% or about 200,000 prevalent cases (and about 10,000 new cases a year) fewer in Italy and 800,000 fewer prevalent cases in Europe.

Study limitations include data for only a few selected indicator foods, no estimate of portion size or total energy intake, and the possibility that a high intake of green vegetables, fruits, and fish could reflect more health-conscious attitudes and/or greater likelihood of having endometriosis diagnosed. The authors recommend prospective interventional studies to address these issues.

“However, despite these limitations, our study does suggest that there is some link between diet and risk of endometriosis and indicates that we now need a proper prospective interventional investigation to study these factors,” Dr. Parazzini says. “Endometriosis is a distressing condition that affects the quality of life for many women and if there are adjustments that can be made in the diet to lower the risk it is vital that we gain really firm evidence about which foods protect and which foods increase risk.”

The Associazione Italiana per la Ricerca sul Cancro helped support this study.

Hum Reprod. 2004;19:1755-1759

Clinical Context

Endometriosis is said to affect up to five in 100 women in Italy and Europe. Although its pathophysiology is unknown, a study by Britton and colleagues published in the May 2000 issue of Cancer Causes Control linked endometriosis with higher intake of polyunsaturated and vegetable fats, with no risk reduction associated with high vegetable and fruit intake. An inverse relationship has been shown between endometriosis and body mass index (BMI), for example, in a report by Missmer and Cramer in the March 2003 issue of Obstetrics and Gynecology Clinics of North America. There are also suggestions that the condition is related to exposure to higher estrogen levels, which also is associated with fibroids and endometrial cancer.

The authors of this study postulate that a diet high in fats increases the circulation of unopposed estrogens and may predispose to endometriosis. Fats may also influence prostaglandin concentration and affect ovarian function.

This report combines two retrospective case control studies to examine the association between dietary intake and incidence of endometriosis, relying on a single seven-day food intake recall of Italian patients presenting to hospitals.

Study Highlights

• 504 women younger than 65 years with laparoscopically confirmed endometriosis from obstetrics and gynecology departments in 3 cities were matched in 1:1 ratio to 500 age-matched hospital controls without endometriosis.
• In the control group, 31% were admitted for traumatic conditions, 23% had nontraumatic orthopedic conditions, 12% acute abdominal pain, and 34% other illnesses. Absence of endometriosis in these women was not confirmed by laparoscopy.
• Both patients and interviewers were blinded to the purpose of the study.
• Patients completed a structured questionnaire while in the hospital, on medical and gynecological history, lifetime oral contraceptive use, and food frequency diary for the last 7 days covering selected dietary intake of fats, whole-grain foods, retinoids and carotenoids, alcohol, tea, and coffee. Validity and reliability of this method was not defined or compared with other food intake assessment methods.
• Alcohol intake was defined by amount of ethanol in wine (125 mL), beer (40 mL), and spirits (15 g). Wine accounted for more than 80% of alcohol consumed.
• Recall of typical food intake for the prior few years was not recorded. Other lifestyle factors such as smoking and exercise, other gynecologic conditions, and use of hormones other than oral contraceptives was not reported.
• There was no estimate of portion size or daily energy intake.
• BMI was documented as less than 20, 20 to 23, and more than 23 kg/m2 with no separate category for overweight or obesity.
• Intake was subjectively described by patients as low, intermediate, and high for each category which was then converted to tertiles of intake for milk, meat, beef, liver, carrots, green vegetables, eggs, ham, fish, and cheese portions.
• Mean age was 33 years (range, 20 to 65 years). Women in the endometriosis group were more educated, thinner (lower BMI), and more frequently multiparous than the control group.
• There was a significant reduction in risk of endometriosis associated with high intake of green vegetables (OR, 0.3) and fresh fruit (OR, 0.6).
• Increased risk was associated with beef and other meat (OR, 2.0) and ham (OR, 1.8) intake.
• The ORs were 1.0 and 1.8, respectively, for intermediate and high intake of beef and other red meat, and 0.5 and 0.3, respectively, for intermediate and high intake of vegetables.
• These trends were still significant when age, BMI, education, and parity were taken into account.
• Consumption of milk, liver, carrots, cheese, fish, whole grain foods, butter, margarine, oil, coffee, and alcohol were not associated with endometriosis.

Pearls for Practice

• Endometriosis is associated with lower intake of green vegetables and fresh fruits, and higher intake of beef, other meats, and ham.
• Intake of milk, whole grain foods, coffee, fats (butter, margarine, and oil), and alcohol is not associated with endometriosis.

There’s also this, which is restricted to paid members only.

Dietary factors and the risk of endometriosis
C. Williamson
Nutrition Bulletin
Volume 29, Issue 4 , Pages298 - 300
2004 British Nutrition Foundation

This really pisses me off, because I don’t have assloads of money to spend on medical journal after medical journal just to keep up with how I should be managing my illness! I don’t have a doctor to update me every time something new is reported in these journals! I don’t have a news feed to update me, people! I need SOMETHING! Make this information free! GAH!!!

First, let me catch you up on george. He went away on Friday, the 25th. That night, I babysat for my friends so they could go see The Dark Knight. Then, when I got off work, my man and I went and caught the midnight showing of the same movie.
It’s AWESOME and scary and nearly gave me a panic attack from all the suspense/thriller action blammo. Lordy. My heart and nerves just can’t take much excitement anymore, I guess.

On Saturday, we cleaned out the storage unit a bit so we can start sharing the space with a neighbor, which in turn reduces by half the amount of what we spend on the unit each month. Not a huge amount with the coming rent increase but still, every penny counts.
Saturday night, I got to witness a beautiful flashback to my man’s past by seeing a band he loved from the 90’s. The band 187 Calm played a one-off reunion show down in San Jose. My man got to connect with his old friends (the band he was in back then played some shows with 187 Calm) and it was fun to see them all together again. My man has talked so much about them over the years.
And can I just say, the bass player showed her bass a thing or two, and made out with it while giving it a what-for! I swear I was blushing some of the time, she was so awesome up there on stage. Holy shit. I mean, I don’t see grrrl bass players too often, so I dunno if they all do this. I’m guessing not though. Wow she is hot. I even told her after the show that I liked how she showed that bass a thing or two. She grinned ear to ear. A very smiley night overall.
My friend found video footage from the show, and clearly the person filming the event is friends with the bass player, cuz most of the time is spent watching her.

Sunday, I went over to a friend’s house and we looked at images from her wedding. I told her that I’d lost my bride’s dude (as opposed to bridesmaid), because he can’t afford to fly out.
So I asked her if she’d consider again the question I asked way back months ago, but told her I know she still has a lot going on family-wise and personally. I asked if she’d be a bridesmaid this time, instead of the wedding coordinator. To my happy surprise, she accepted! YAY! Oh crap I just remembered I forgot to update my other bridesmaid and I think my matron of honour with the good news. Will do that when I get home from work tonight…

After talking more wedding stuff and showing her pix of my dress, we got together with my man and spent a lovely afternoon hanging out at a bookstore and then a breakfast joint in Berkeley, and then we showed her a winery really close to our island home.

In all, a fabulous weekend.

I went to work yesterday and just took it easy. The parents I’m working with are so easygoing, it’s a quite a blessing compared to how I was treated on other jobs. We just stayed in the house all day (usually I take the infant for 1-2 stroller rides a day). Instead, the child got belly time on the playmat, got playtime in her new exersaucer, sit up time on the couch, floor and bed (with close supervision and lots of pillows handy to break any sudden falls), back-to-side-to-stomach assistance, tours around the house naming everything, and 60 children’s songs sung over and over and over again.

So, basically, a typical day, sans the stroller rides, and I napped when she napped because I was still so worn out from being bedridden from Monday evening through Wednesday.

The pain and bleeding set in again by 4pm, and to my dismay, I had forgotten to bring my pill splitter. I didn’t want to take a whole Tylenol 3 - this would make me obviously stoned and I didn’t want to be that way when the parents returned from work. I was already on Ibuprofen 600 and didn’t want to take another one of those because they tend to make my stomach hurt. So I toughed it out. I laid on the floor and stretched my back slowly while the child played on the floor next to me - it all worked out. I took half a Tylenol 3 when I got home, as opposed to a full one, because I had an interview with another family! They came to my house an hour after I got home from my other job. The interview was for occasional babysitting. I seem to have hit it off well with them and their son, who is an adorable two-year-old. I was told by a friend that he’s a handful, but he didn’t seem any different than most of the other two year olds I’ve dealt with in my time. Then again, I’m the teacher, whereas the person who told me the kid is a handful 1) has never had a child, 2) doesn’t want kids, and 3) has never spent any major amount of time around children.

Today I am feeling better but I am cautious. Usually I have 2-3 days bedridden with the Endometriosis, and then I have up to a day’s break from bleeding and/or cramps, and then I get one last push - one last day of hell. My man calls it the ‘last gasp’ before the illness recedes back into its cave of do0m for another 26 days.

I’m always torn when this day comes every month. Part of me wants to take it easy and not chance anything, and most of me wants to get back into my regular routine and just BRING THE NOISE to get the damned bullshit overwith already. That’s likely what I’ll do again today. I’ll go around cleaning house and perhaps even go for a walk and just BRING IT. And then lay around moaning for a few hours in extreme pain, drugged to the gills, and then …. it’ll all be over.

The clock resets for 26 days.

Happiness would be that this month, the ‘last gasp’ part is forgone altogether. It’s happened before. It’s very rare with me, but it happens.

I just woke up nauseated and cramping badly, and feeling hungry.

Sometimes the Tylenol 3 makes me nauseous. Most often, it gives me false hunger pains. And sometimes the pain leaks through despite being medicated.

Then again, the last time I took any meds was almost 3 hours ago, so I assume that it’s also time for another dose.

I also had more nightmares. I was in a daycare trying to put children down for nap. The children were children I’d cared for 15 years ago back in Michigan. Nobody would listen and I found myself shouting at them. At one point I’d had it and left my co-teacher alone with all the kids in the room, and went for a walk.
I got about three blocks from the daycare and decided I should turn back around. But suddenly, no matter which route I took, I ended up further and further away. I hopped on a bus or light rail train, thinking I could get back to the daycare quicker, but when I was let off the train, I found that I was now up by 16 Mile road (in Michigan). Panicked, I walked faster and faster, trying to find out what had happened, trying to get to a place I remembered, so I could get back to work on time. It was all very anxiety-inducing.

The dream shifted from that to an actual real life memory of being down in the basement at the house my first sex partner was staying at. He was mad at me for terminating a pregnancy I did not want, and ending the relationship with him because he’d lied to me about purposefully knocking me up. He held a shotgun to my head. I ran upstairs away from him in sheer screaming terror, and tried to dial 911 on the phone at the top of the stairs. He grabbed me from behind, grabbed the phone from me, bashed the phone receiver into the wall, turned me around, grabbed my neck, slammed my head into the wall a few times and choked me. Then he stepped back and calmly announced he was going back downstairs to get the shotgun and take care of both of us. I ran from the house, got into my car and drove home in hysterics.

That is a real life memory.

I threw open my eyes and blinked rapidly and breathed deeply to force the memory to fade away again.

I get this unexpected flashback every now and then. All I can do is breathe and push it away.

The flashback caused even more anxiety and I think is what brought the cramps. The books I have on Endometriosis state that since the uterus is hormone-rich, whenever something happens to set off a hormonal surge in the body, the uterus is also involved. And for someone with Endometriosis, this is bad news, because when the hormones set off their signals, it also activates the hormone-rich adhesions on organs outside of the uterus. Those organs in turn set off their pain receptors, because they think something is attacking them. And voìla, that’s how I get to be in so much pain and gushing bleeding.

So of course at this moment, all I can think of is THANKS A FUCKING LOT, DIPWAD. I STILL KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I STILL KEEP TABS ON YOUR SKANKY ASS. I STILL DON’T FORGIVE YOU, YOU FUCKING BASTARD. ONE DAY I’LL JUST STOP BY AND GET ALL KILL BILL ON YOU.

…and I breathe…

because anger sets off a hormonal wave again…

You see how it goes…

Good times.

I spent all day yesterday, from about 10am onwards in bed, because that’s when the pain started. I had cramps throughout the day but I remember my last onset of cramps was about 9:30 - 10pm last night.
And then this morning again at 9:45am. I keep wondering about this 12-hour cycle my body tends to go in with its cramping.

So much research still to do. Must make the time for it.

I *still* haven’t posted the research from fatty cells I was looking up last week. I had no idea that fat cells *produce* estrogen. Why did I not know this? The books I have on Endometriosis tell me this. I just retained the info til now. I need to finish typing up that entry and share it.

I was very drugged on pain meds and trying to sleep, but my man came into the room to tell me that ‘Steve’ was here to see the place. I was very groggy and tried to ask who ‘Steve’ was because I just wasn’t remembering. But my man left the room. He was busy with something and didn’t want to deal with Steve, and more to the point I got that he didn’t like Steve.
I was annoyed by this so I staggered out of bed and went to greet Steve, who was this guy with short reddish hair and a short reddish beard. He was dressed pretty normal if I recall correctly. I couldn’t place how we knew him.
I showed him around the house because I was paranoid that he might take something of value if not watched closely, simply because I didn’t know him. He refused to talk the entire time I showed him around the house. He took pictures of the place. His room would be in the basement*, so I showed him that. My friend Evil was also visiting, and I realised then that Steve** and Evil were also friends, and that Evil must’ve told Steve that we were subletting our place.

As I was showing Steve back upstairs, I shot a look over my shoulder at Evil, who had accompanied me through the house. He gave his usual smirk and shrug, and was not about to explain for Steve why Steve wasn’t talking. Steve was nice and smiled graciously and all, but just wouldn’t talk or answer questions.

We got back upstairs and I noticed that Evil was sitting in a recliner chair in the living room, and that there was a woman and young toddler in the room. They were waiting for Steve. He went to them and the woman began asking questions, and he nodded or shook his head to the questions. He may have talked to her but I never heard a sound.
The family went out the door to their van parked in front of the house, and started to pile in. I began to wonder if any of them took anything of value from our house. I was very mistrustful because my man showed no trust or liking towards them.

When I turned around to face the far end of the house (the living room became the kitchen which then became another sitting room or living room), I found my Aunt M had showed up. I was surprised by this, what brings her here, I wondered? I ran to greet her and hugged her and she hugged me back and we smiled really big at each other. And then my ma walked in (there was another entrance to the house between the kitchen and the second sitting room). What a surprise! Hi Ma! I gave her a great big hug and she was all smiles for me. And she looked great! Ma was wearing what looked to be a brown leather skirt - Aunt M pulled ma to her left side and went to zip the side of ma’s skirt, because the zipper was slipping. I stepped back and realised ma’s top was brown leather, too - a two piece. And ma was all skinny with firm taut younger skin and looked great as I said.

Next thing I knew, Aunt J was right there behind my ma, so I went to give her a hug but she was all standoffish as usual. She thrust out a card and some flowers but I managed a quick hug for her anyway.
She’s one of those people who hates but wants the affection. She’s like a cat that way. It always makes her uncomfortable but she appreciates it when people try for her.

Then my Uncle E came into the room from the same direction everyone else was popping in from. He’s a tall man like grampa was. I gave a polite smile up at him but I wasn’t too thrilled about him being there. And then who was to emerge from behind him, completely concealed until Uncle E stepped aside, was gramma***!!!!!

It was at this point that it finally dawned on me - everyone was showing up for the wedding. The thoughts ran through my head…the wedding is still a week away****. People are much earlier than they said they’d be! I wasn’t ready to receive people, yet! But since they’re here, I’ll just have to make do.

Gramma was still pretty short but her hair was big and permed like it was in the early 90’s. She smiled big for me and held out her arms. Someone held out a drink to toast the family all being here but Uncle E told us to “wait, let’s all get a drink so we can all toast”. I rolled my eyes and gramma snapped, “We just came from the sandwich shop and so you still have to work off allll THAT jazz!”
I grinned ear to ear, and gramma smiled back at me, and we gave each other a big long warm hug. Gramma congratulated me on my wedding.

Next, my brother, my dad and his wife showed up. I hugged both my ma and my dad’s wife simultaneously cuz they were standing near each other. They had their back to the living room, and when I squeezed them a hug, I looked over their shoulders to see Evil and some of my Michigan friends sitting in the living room. Evil was still in the recliner chair, and everyone else was clustered around where that Steve guy and his family recently had been.

I was just so happy that everyone was here all at once, and yet a bit panicked because I knew that the wedding was going to happen Real Soon Now!

George woke me because he was threatening to leak all over and stain the bed. I was very groggy. When I came back from the bathroom to crawl into bed, I realised I could not get the dream back. I grabbed my phone and went to call my mom, but my mind was still on gramma, and I punched in ‘g’ on the phone pad. It was only then that all the emotions spilled forth. I left my ma a very teary voicemail letting her know that her ma had come to visit me.

I miss my gramma so much. It wasn’t a sad dream. I’m still very happy. I’m still blessed with her visit and congrats and hug. But I know, emotions are strange things. I am crying anyway.

* The house in my dream was a cross between what Evil’s house looks like and my friend Blau’s house looks like. It’s nothing like what the house I actually live in looks like. And only Evil’s house has a basement.

** I still don’t know ‘Steve’ in real life.

*** Gramma passed away in 2003.

**** The wedding is actually three months away.

George is here as of yesterday, one day early. I started to have pain yesterday but it wasn’t until today that the pain was so bad that I had to take Tylenol 3.

Coupled with being very sore and tired from walking 6 miles (10km) yesterday for the annual SF AIDS Walk, I ended up sleeping a lot today.

So far, the bleeding is light, compared to my usual periods. I know that I won’t be able to go in to work tomorrow, so I’ll be calling the child’s family tonight to let them know. They told me last Thursday that the husband was okayed to work from home this week should I not be able to come in.

Because george is a day or three early here and there, I’m now exactly a week away from disaster in October, should george decide to be that early due to stress just before the wedding. This of course has me mildly panicked, which doesn’t help the situation.

Last Wednesday or Thursday, I had started a post about some research I’ve been doing on Endometriosis. I need to finish that post soon, and share it on my ‘living with endometriosis’ pages, and also share it on the endometriosis forum I’m on.

Overall, I had a nice weekend!

Friday in particular was great, because I got a lot of good news that day.

I was told that the company that fired me will settle for the last dollar figure I threw at them, PLUS they will revamp their disability training, PLUS they will remove the ‘fired’ status from my record and call it a ‘voluntary quit’, PLUS they will give a good review for me if employers call for reference check.
HOLY CRAP THOSE THINGS ARE THE VERY LAST THINGS I EVER EXPECTED TO COME OUT OF THAT COMPANY. This excites me to no end to know that they will restructure how they treat disabled people.
I can’t help but wonder if fellow coworkers finally found the bravery to step forward and also complained about how they were being treated.

On Friday, I was able to get a wagon and a boombox on loaner from a friend to use on the AIDS Walk, which I participate in every year.
Also on Friday, I went and did what I threatened to do - go looking for a wheelchair. I posted on freecycle.org looking for a wheelchair - someone actually had one right here on the island! I went and picked it up - it fits in the trunk of my car! I nearly cried, I was so relieved at having found a wheelchair, that it was free, that it was local, and that it fits in my trunk. I had no idea the amount of stress that would be lifted from me in just knowing I have a wheelchair handy in case I’m too debilitated at any event now or in the future. It’s not admitting defeat to my illness - it’s being prepared. *big happy sigh* I just didn’t know what a weight that would lift. I’m so happy.

We spent all of Saturday running around town, preparing for the AIDS Walk and a friend’s birthday party. And then we stopped in at the local German restaurant to see a friend who was celebrating her graduation from massage school. It was a coincidental delight to also see my other friend’s friend playing there that night - his band is called the Frisky Frolics.

We got home with sore feet last night and wondered if we’d be up for the AIDS Walk, after having such a long exhaustive Saturday running all over town. Our feet already hurt from that alone.

But we did it - we got up bright and early this morning and packed up my car with the wagon and a portable ipod speaker system that we got (we decided that would work better than the old boombox, and we can use the ipod thingy for the wedding, too), and we drove off to San Francisco for the AIDS Walk.

We met up with our friends - there were only six of us this year but we still got recognition from some of the other walkers who see us there every year, and we got compliments on our team shirts as usual.

I have blisters on my pinky toes after completing the 10km walk, but otherwise my feet and other toes survived just fine, as did my calves. All that walking the baby around town for my job has really paid off!

I had mild cramps on and off today - mostly when I *wasn’t* walking, but taking a rest. George showed up when I got home and went to a friend’s birthday BBQ party. I have been premedicating with Motrin so when the cramps did finally hit this evening, it’s been mild overall.

Two people were at the birthday party whom I wasn’t expecting to see. Well, one of them I should have known I’d run into sooner or later at this friend’s house, but I just wasn’t thinking. The other one - complete surprise - as I thought she’d moved out of state.
I chose to talk to her - we’d been roommates for a short time, and it went really really badly and I left the situation, and we’d not talked since that time. We never really shared the same circle of friends aside from the second person I didn’t expect to see today, because they’d dated at one time - that’s how I came to know her.
Anyway, she had moved down to L.A., then moved back again. Apparently she’s dating someone within my circle of friends, that’s why she was at the party - she was his date. She told me she was a bit unnerved to see this other person at the party though, too. She chose to talk to him - I chose not to.
It was a decision I made on the spot as soon as I walked into the house and we laid eyes on each other - I just decided to keep smiling like I’d been doing when I walked in, and just walk past him. This means I’m still not ready to talk to him after the big fight we had what was it, six years ago now?

I will respect my decision not to talk to him. One day I may be ready again, but today just wasn’t the day. I was never catty towards him - I simply avoided acknowledging his presence and it appears he did the same. Perhaps he did this because he saw my initial reaction - my smile and eyebrows faded slightly before renewing in a “keep it up, just keep it up, keep walking” giveaway.
Perhaps he’s still mad at me after all these years, too. I’d prefer it if it were mutual, honestly. But then I know I’m not one to let go of grudges very easily. Oh hell who am I kidding. I just don’t let go of grudges.
The fact that I know all this means that maybe one day in the not too distant future, I may acknowledge him, should I run into him at this person’s house again. Maybe. We’ll see how I feel that day.

When I got home, I had an email reply to a video I posted on youtube about a year ago. In this video, we’re at the person’s house whom I did not speak to today. It’s Halloween and another friend is telling a funny filthy story. The person whom I am not speaking to is prominently displayed in the video, standing behind the storyteller, grinning.

So weird that I’d get that today on the same day I ran into this guy. I checked out the youtube comments, it doesn’t appear to be anyone I know or anyone in our circle of friends.
Since I do not believe things JUST happen coincidentally, I ponder, and say again, maybe one day in the not too distant future, I may acknowledge him, should I run into him at this person’s house again. Just found out from my man however that he’s still willing to punch the guy in the throat and had to really restrain himself at the same party today. Still overprotective as ever, I see.

Oh! One last thing! This weekend I went to two different places where alcohol was present, and I did NOT take a full drink. I had nothing to drink last night, and today I only had a couple sips of peoples’ homemade vodkas, just to see what each tasted like. Never even came near catching a buzz. Even in the highly charged social situation where I ran into two unexpected people who at one time hurt me (one much worse than the other), I was not driven to drink. I am very proud of myself for this.

Now if I can just get through the wedding and dealing with family without needing to get drunk. Shit, THEY’LL be drunk, they’re promising it. They’ve said it’s not a wedding if people (themselves) aren’t trashed. Emotional cycles with certain people take longer to change than with others.

i was at a daycare and it was naptime or lunchtime, i forget. i was in a contained toddler room with another teacher. i guess i was new there because she was showing me around. she asked if i knew what schedule i’d been put on - i said no. she wanted to work with me so encouraged me to leave the room with her (thereby leaving the children unattended). As I closed the toddler room door behind me, a bag fell off the door handle and sloshed on the floor. It was someone’s bicycle camelbag. I hung it back on the door and followed my coworker just around the corner to a long low table which had a bunch of papers and other stuff on it. I had to find my name on a cup? And find out what number it had in or on it. My coworker asked me what number I had. I looked - I had the number ‘2′. She told me to punch the number into a small blue rectangular digital device, and my hours would pop up.

As I was doing this, a young male coworker entered the hallway we were standing in and a child ran crying from behind him. He was out of breath and trying to tell us she had to go home, now. We knew that this was a problem child. She ran to me and I scooped her up and asked what the problem was. The male coworker was agitated by this but I tried to assure him we need to calm all parties involved to get the story out. Both he and the child talked at once, the child still crying. This child had long dark brown hair and bangs, and deep brown eyes with beautiful long lashes. The skin right above and next to her right eyelid was slit in order to hold a ribbon through the skin - this ribbon had beads tied to it - it’s part of her culture and the slit was totally healed and non-problematic, like a body piercing would be.
As the child talked, she untied the ribbon and took it from her eyelid. She moved it to the other side of her face and tried tying it into her hair. My female coworker helped her tie the ribbon as she talked. This whole process seemed to relax her a bit so we allowed it (many adults would chastise a child and tell them to stop playing with their hair, ribbons or whatnot).
I never got the actual story in the dream because it was all a blurry babble going on, but as I was getting the story from both the coworker and the child, and telling the coworker yes of course, call the parents, I heard a ruckus outside.

I turned and…

Now I was back at my first childhood house - I was in the kitchen and I had turned to look out the window into the backyard to see what the ruckus was about.

My brother began arguing with my ma about yard work. My friends C and J were in the kitchen with me. I began relaying a play-by-play to them, because I was convinced they were not seeing the same thing I was and would not believe me. My mom had the weed whacker, but my brother wanted it. Ma wouldn’t give it to him so he tried to grab it from her. A fight ensued. I kept saying “This is my family. This is how my family is”.
My brother pushed my ma down to take the weed whacker from her. Other people were out there doing yard work, too. They tried to intercede but my brother and my ma were locked into their fight.

Eventually a couple of people pried them loose, and my brother and ma came up towards the back of the house, near the kitchen window. I continued to relay my play-by-play to my friends, who had also been looking out the window the whole time with me. I was still interjecting “this is my family” with disgust.

I knew that my ma and my brother could hear me talking about them at this point, so I backed away from the window and lowered my voice, and saw that my ma had put my brother in a mock choke-hold. He allowed this - he became submissive to her - and they talked it out. He as usual tried to reason his way out of his abuse of her.

I left the kitchen and turned to the left, rounded the corner and went and sat on the stairs (in reality, the stairs were just off the kitchen to the right). I sat on the stairs and began eating gummy candy out of a little brown and clear plastic bag. The stairway I was sitting on was an open banister stairway, not the closed one that actually existed in my real childhood home. The gummies were brown like the bag. I played with a piece of candy as I chewed another, and upon closer inspection of the candy, I said, “look I found a shoe!”

A girl friend asked me, “Do you know what you’re eating?”

She told me it was a famous fashion designer - Dara Dow? shoes - the small brown plastic bag was nothing but gummy shoes that were the size of barbie doll shoes. The one I was holding looked like women’s loafers. I popped it into my mouth as my friend commented something snarky - like I shouldn’t pay any money to that empire or something.

My friend C came out of the kitchen and sat on the stairs with me. I again relayed, “that’s my family.” and shook my head. He tried to make light conversation but it wasn’t working. I knew that he knew how screwed my family was because his family is really screwed up, too. So he really didn’t have to say anything. He could tell me worse stories of his own family, I’m sure. So we sat next to each other for a moment, and then I said we need to get ready, and that I’d be hopping in the shower. He said he should hop into the shower, too. The house was like a dorm in that it had multiple bathrooms and bedrooms throughout (but this of course is not how my childhood home was in reality).

C headed upstairs, and I folded up the bag of candy and took it downstairs to set back into the kitchen.

The dream ended with me waking up to my cat meowing to be fed.

I’ll analyse the dream later. My man just woke up very very grumpy - apparently he wasn’t able to sleep well all night.
But for the record, the arguing and shoving match between my ma and my brother - stuff like that really happened when my brother was a teenager (and we lived in the 2nd house, the one I call the unibomber shack).