zeptember

Or, “it’s all clear, now! I understand zept so much better!”

So my Ma called today. Anytime I hear from Ma, there’s the potential for crazy. Some of you know my Ma personally and can attest to her level of crazy. Some of you have only heard stories. And for the rest of you, this is your introduction to Ma.

So this is how the conversation went today. We were talking about the weather, when Ma said,

“We’ve had a lot more tornadoes this year. They’re playin’ us. They can change our weather patterns with their instruments - what’s that, the HAARP or something, things they can do in the sky…they can even do earthquakes with it. It’s been around for awhile, it’s not a secret…before it was just a conspiracy thing people were doing, but it’s not a conspiracy, it’s been around for a long time. They can do the weather changes and earthquakes with it. I’m not saying they ARE, just making a joke because of the weather. But I’m saying they COULD.”

I told my Ma I’d never heard of this and asked what HAARP is for.

She said, “I don’t know what it’s for… it can be used for anything, or it can be used for wargames. ‘Getcher enemy, give ‘em an earthquake!’”

She says she hears this stuff from a couple guys at work on the night shift with her at the grocery store they work at. She even quoted a book for me to read as “proof” that she’s not crazy - Angels Don’t Play This HAARP.

Here’s Wikipedia’s definition of HAARP.

And I also googled and found Conspiracy theory of the week: HAARP - it’s some chick’s blog, dating from last year. Check out the comments to the blog entry.

My Ma in September, 2001, ready for the terrists

Ma does have a twisted sense of humour, as evidenced by her choice of ‘weapon’ in the pic above. But she admitted to me years ago that she knows people think she’s crazy, so she adds over-the-top comic relief to everything, to set people more at ease, she says.

I think it just makes it that much worse for me to deal with, emotionally. But then I’m biased. This is the woman who brought me into this world and so I have to admit being directly related to her. :p

These days, my Ma is more like Betty White’s character (Rose Nylund) on The Golden Girls. Rose Nylund, as a fundamentalist. Outwardly ditzy and silly, but who happens to fully believe in The Rapture, and most any conspiracy theory out there as well.

Because I grew up being told things like:
“Oh Lord, the End Times are comin’, look at that moon! The Lord said in Revelation 6:12, ‘And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth, and the moon became as blood’” (during a total lunar eclipse in 1982) and

“When the planets align in a syzygy, that means The End Is Near - there will be strange occurrances in the sky, and there will be bad storms and earthquakes…” (1984 - she got this whacked idea from reading The Jupiter Effect a few years before turning Fundamentalist), and

“You’re too old to have chicken pox at age 14 - the doctor is wrong. *I* think you have SMALLPOX…” (1985), and

“Did you know that aliens are really angels? People can’t comprehend that they are seeing God’s glory, so they think they are seeing aliens…” (Sometime between 2000 - 2004), and

“I was wrong about aliens being angels. I mean, they are angels, but they’re FALLEN. They’re DEMONS.” (May 6, 2008, and to make it scarier, she’s not the only one who believes this)

…Because I grew up being told these things, I therefore don’t believe ANYTHING this woman ever tells me. And at the same time, I’m easily spooked when the media get all up in arms over anything related to natural disasters or governmental exposés.

So, Internets, tell me all about YOUR views on HAARP.