zeptember

This week was supposed to be my man’s vacation week, from last Thursday to this Wednesday.
However, Thursday he got thee worst allergy attack EVAR, which subsided a bit for Turkey Day dinner, then came back with a vengeance when we went out to the club.

Friday we spent with his Dad, and the allergies seemed to taper off.

Then Saturday night, BAM, all hell broke loose and he could barely breathe, sneezing like mad, constant faucet with the nose, ew.
At that point he told me it wasn’t allergies anymore - he was fully sick. He’s gone through half a forest already in tissues since then. My poor man!

Seems like a bunch of my friends are suffering from the same SnotFest.

And then today, my throat felt scratchy and as I rode my bike, my ears felt like they were plugging up.

PLEASE, DO NOT WANT.

I’m already slated to be bedridden by this weekend from george.

AND I’m slated to deliver food for a wedding on Friday and attend said wedding on Saturday. How I’m going to pull off weddingness and manage my disease is beyond me. Not Thinking About That Right Now.

No SnotFest for me. No No No. DO NOT WANT. Now I’m off to ingest more Vitamin C and eat another apple.

Night #2 of insomnia. I wonder if drinking wine is causing this. Yes, I actually think it is.

Last night I had wine before bed, which was offered to me from my man. We’d been at his father’s house during the evening and had started on a bottle of wine. We didn’t want to let it go to waste since we had damaged the cork for it.

Tonight I went to bed still accidentally drunk on wine I consumed throughout the day during a wine tasting excursion.

Both last night and tonight I cannot sleep. Tonight is worse because I’m also hungover on top of it, so laying there in bed tossing and turning was making my stomach and head and insomnia worse. So I got up.

Obviously I need to lay off the wine now, too.

It’s going to suck being sober. I am all about the social drinking. I never last long at sobriety due to social anxiety. But I’m going to kill myself with the drinking if I don’t stop it.

I don’t drink every day. I can go days and weeks without drinking, honest. But once I do take a drink, It’s very hard to stop myself from having more and more that same day, and then I find it very easy to “just have a drink” regularly - every day to every other day - until I declare myself an alcoholic again. Then I stop. Then something spurs on the drinking again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’m creating a journal category for this NOW. I must face this.

4:31am Edit: Ok, I’ve gone back through my entire journal looking for the keyword ‘drinking’ and found … I think it was 17 entries that I’ve tagged retroactively in the Alcoholism category. Fully noting here too that my New Year’s resolution for 2007 included a plan to stop drinking by 2008. It’s a good plan, stick with it, zept. You don’t want to be the white trash drunken bride at your own wedding.

Another friend of a friend died of cancer last night.

Cancer sucks.

I went back to bed and finished the dream!!

I was still at the party, and my man showed up. Remember parties from high school or early college (anywhere from age 17 - 21, essentially) where you’re at a party and the person you like shows up? You spend the evening bashful and awkward and doing drive-by flirty comments… well that’s what my man and I did, hehe!

And then the night began to wind down, and people were leaving. I decided I wanted to leave, too, so I went down the hall and instead of taking a left to the bedroom previously described, I took a right into another bedroom, where I went into the bathroom and tried to freshen up my makeup. Only, the mirrors in the bathroom all had bars on them, and behind the bars the mirrors were all dirty and dusty, so that I could barely see my reflection. I opened the door to the bathroom and there was my man, anxious to relieve himself, so I got out of the way, heh. I told him I was leaving soon, so he said he’d be right out.

I went back down the hall and paused at the intersection as it were between kitchen and living room. The place was still heavily trafficked with people. I mentioned that I’d be leaving soon and so some of the women that were at the party began gathering all my gifts for me. Then subtly_modded let her dogs back into the house through the kitchen (I don’t think she has any dogs in real life). The dogs ranged in size from miniature - smaller than my cats - to the size of collies. There were about five dogs all happy and roaming around and wagging their tails.

As I stood there, waiting for my man, the groom approached - he was heading towards the back room. I saw him and went towards him - there was a big 27″ TV just inside the living room that wasn’t there before, and the living room was much smaller, now. He smiled big and said “Hi zept” (but used my real name). I made like I should hug him but saw that he didn’t reciprocate so I put my arms back down at my side and smiled back at him and said hi. He then nodded and went on his way, and I said, “Happy marriage!” and giggled awkwardly.

I then went back towards the kitchen to continue waiting for my man, and a woman approached me with gifts, and asked if I was doing all right. I told her I was good, yes, and she thanked me for sticking out the entire night, that I did a great job. She took me into the back room on the left and she and some other women showed me all the gifts and BABY CLOTHES they’d gotten me. Turns out the baby clothes were for my blue evil creepy baby doll I bought this year just before Halloween, though, whew!

It was at that point that I realised that YES, this WAS all just a gag, just a silly fun joke everyone was in on, and I’d forgotten myself at points by being nervous. I was so relieved and ready to go home to be with my one true love, who was still somewhere in the house, I think.

That’s about all I remember.
When I awoke, it was after 11am!

The gist of this dream is that despite all the wedding talking and planning and frustrations and expectations that both of us didn’t know we had until we started the talking and planning…. despite all that, the best thing to do is just let things happen as they will and it will all work out in the end. This is the very advice that several married woman friends have been sharing with me all along.

Just take a deep breath and go with it.

This is the second morning in a row I’ve woken up from a very strange dream. I had wine right before bed last night but I can’t remember what I had the night before. I know that I’d taken my Chinese herbs later than I wanted to the night before….

This morning’s dream:

I was at my friend Isara’s house and she was preparing to move but wasn’t fully packed. We’d come back to her house after some sort of outing. There was some kind of house party going on and nobody wanted to help her pack up, so I started doing her dishes and cleaning for her while she packed. I asked when she had to be out and she said something like a week. So at least it wasn’t tomorrow.
Next, we were all preparing for my wedding, and a bunch of us went to subtly_modded’s house, where the wedding would take place.
We got to the house and I found a lan party going on, and it looked like it had been in progress for hours already, and that this place was the regular gathering spot for such a party.
The dream quickly clued me in that this would not be a wedding of choice, rather it was either someone I knew for a long time, or someone I was doing a favour for. The guy was nice but not very attractive to me. He had a beard and a stereotypical old-school programmer sort of vibe/personality/body figure. That is to say, he was a bit large and hairy.
I feigned nervousness for my husband to be, who sat on a couch surrounded by his pals. This room was so big that there was at least three couches in it, and laptops and cords and ethernet cable laying around willy nilly.
I hurriedly went down the hall, into a back bedroom, and got dressed, which consisted of me throwing some old fitted creme-coloured shiny stretchy nylon veil over my head. It was fitted at both ends like a twin bed sheet! Below that, I just had on street clothes, dressed all in black as usual. I may have had a long skirt on.
I went back out to be admired and the party went on around me. I got social anxiety at this point, realising a couple of things; 1) I don’t know many of these people in real life, most are online aquaintances at best and 2) my man B is not here, and I miss him terribly, and can’t wait to get back home to him. Oh wait, I’m getting married, things change now. Will he still be in the picture? I can’t remember what sort of agreement we all hammered out.
I then realised I was standing in the same room with my husband-to-be, still sitting on the couch, looking at me shyly from time to time.
I went back into the bedroom, which was mostly empty save for a single open wired laptop in the center of the article-strewn floor. subtly_modded (or was it fairyarmadillo?) came in to see if I was alright and make sure I was ready to go.
I went back out one more time to see if the guests were ready. They were. I felt uneasy again about the groom seeing me, the bride, before the ceremony.
I ran back into the bedroom, did some quick breathing exercises and stretched to try to calm my nerves, and then I heard the music. It wasn’t stereotypical ‘here comes the bride’. I can’t remember what played, though. I wanted to just run out there but had to control my steps and take slow steps, but they were a bit hurried and before I knew it, I was in the living room, everyone looking at me.
I got to the podium in the center of the living room, in front of a television set, with the groom and his men STILL SITTING on the couch to my right against a wall.
People complimented me and made me giggle and then I took out a prepared speech and said a short thing, something about being here today and all that blah blah blah. I looked at my husband-to-be whenever I could, and he sat there, smiling, nervous, affectionately looking at me. I realised then I was in a cream dress, a bit tight fitting.
After I read my speech, I stood aside for the groom to come to the podium, but he didn’t. That was it! The wedding was over! Done! WTF?
I went back down the hall to the back bedroom, took off my veil and studied my figure in a mirror. The cream dress was long sleeved but tightly fitting in that my stomach showed through it, making enough of a buldge that it looked pretty trashy. Ew. So for the rest of the dream, I was sucking in my stomach out of embarrassment.
I went back out to the guests who had resumed their LAN party, and the new husband was STILL just sitting on the couch with his friends, still silent, still just watching everyone. I was called aside from either subtly_modded or someone else, who gave me a Mile High gift certificate so I could travel with my new husband!
Friggin Mile High? WTF?
I wondered if I could take my man B instead.

I took up a seat on the floor to the left of the television, facing the back of the room. Hubby was on the couch against the far wall to the right, and on another further wall to my left was another couch, also lined with geek freaks hanging out. I pined for my man, who was not at this party. I wondered how it would be for us three to live together. We’d talked about this marriage in advance, so he knew it was going to happen, but still, I felt I wronged him somehow. I really sorely missed him and wanted to get back home to him.
I looked over at the new hubby sitting on the couch. He looked over at me and smiled nervously. I smiled a thin smile back at him. He’s really not my type, and I’m kinda pissed he never got up and had the balls to do a real wedding. What do I do? Can I nullify this thing immediately? Wouldn’t that be so mean of me?
Is this all some kind of hoax? A joke we’ve all played with each other on purpose, knowing that this wasn’t a real wedding, and maybe I’ve just forgotten? Gods I hope so.

Some people talked with me, and to hide my belly, I laid stretched out on my stomach on the floor and chatted w/ people. One of the guests made goo-goo eyes at me in my dress. I’m the newlywed bride here, and his friends are oogling me. Great.

That’s about all I remember.
I think there’s a few things that contributed to this dream, in no particular order. I’ve been thinking of weddingness again with my man and we’ve talked recently. We watched Indiana Jones last night and Karen Allen was in this very sheer satiny creme-coloured nightgown at one point, on top deck of a ship, and I called out “I SEE BUSH!” I hadn’t noticed how obviously nekkid she was under that very thin nighty before. She had no belly cuz she was so skinny, but there was her pubes, making an imprinted showing forth….
And I was in memory lane last night while listening to n², which took me back to the days of LAN parties at The Temple in Southfield, MI, where the house was full of freaks and computer geeks all the time.

Wednesday morning’s dream had me in the backyard of the first house I grew up in (birth to age 11), and I was looking for something. It had rained, and there was a camera or something left out in the rain. I was rescuing rain-soaked stuff. I went into the garage and set stuff down. At one point in the dream, I emerged from the backyard and went into the back door of the house, but the house was now the house I grew up in from age 11-20.
I really don’t remember much now about this dream, I’m sorry to say. I let too much time pass after waking from it.

Going back to bed now.