zeptember

This has been the worst Mercury retrograde in ages.

Friend A was suicidal - I finally got ahold of his friend and together we intervened and talked him down for 48 hours, until finally he willfully sent himself to the city hospital psych ward. He’s committed now, and will be transferred to the state-run facility in the near future for indefinite lockup until he is better. He is on medication, too, and feels he has multiple personality disorder, but is going to be run through a battery of psych tests. I was a ball of stress and anxiety throughout this ordeal - I can’t bear to lose another friend.

Friend B had a death in the family, and doesn’t have a car, so I’ve been driving her around town to run errands and today will drop her off at the train station to head up north to be with family and do the funeral. I’ll be driving up on Saturday to attend said funeral, as I followed her journal for quite some time, and met her in person a couple of times, and honestly I want to be there at my friend’s request.

Friend C’s husband left her, and I hear Friends D and E are also talking divorce.

Friend F threw out her back in a BAD way and has been doped up on percoset for about a week now.

Friend G *and* my upstairs neighbor both accidentally tried to cut off their fingers in the past week while preparing food - Friend E required three stitches and neighbor requires one but has neglected to go to the hospital for it so far…

Friend A, F and G were all supposed to help with setup for Halloween at our place and because of the above circumstances now cannot.

Friend H’s mom has been totally psycho over her daughter’s upcoming wedding, and now it’s come to the point where we wonder if mom is now not invited to the wedding. Yes, it’s that bad. It seems that this mother is freaking out because she can’t have the dream wedding she always wanted for herself, projected through her daughter. Good times. Can’t wait til my wedding planning really gets under way.

What else…my man’s boss/friend got fired, Paul Raven died and I found out on October 21, and that’s the same day I began hearing from friend “A” that he was suicidal.

And of course I lost my job on October 12 - the first day of the retrograde. I feel like I missed something… I feel like there’s more that’s happened. Ugh. So stressed out.

Mercury will go direct tomorrow, which means it stops going retrograde, but the pain is not over. The pain is over on November 17, when Mercury begins forward motion again - also known as Mercury Return.
THEN I can stop holding my breath, wondering what else will come crashing down.

There was fun this month, I swear.

• A friend’s birthday party on October 18
• Another friend’s birthday party on October 20
• I attended a local meeting for “Metaphysics and the Healing Arts-Build Your Practice into a Thriving Business” on October 25
• On October 26, when the movie was listed to be shown again, I saw the movie my friend is listed as a producer on - the movie opening that I missed back on September 29 and freaked out about on the 30th…so I felt like I’d righted a wrong and that made me feel better.
• On October 27, not one… but two Halloween parties!
• I had my unemployment interview on October 29 and it appeared to go very well.

But overall, despite the good stuff, the bad stuff SUCKED HARD and this month is still fired.

And now I prepare to help ring in the new year by doing more setting up of our lovely haunted backyard for tonight. Let’s get things off to a better start, shall we?

Forgot to mention that I had my third trip to Dr. Yan on October 24, and I told him how much pain I was in as mentioned aboveafter each of the first two visits, so he withheld the electricity to the needles this time. I was not in much pain on the 24th, so I was able to lay on my right side without throwing my shoulder, thankfully. Dr. Yan put the needles in my neck and lower back for about ten minutes, then had me lay on my back and put one needle in each of my ankles for another ten minutes.

My neck and shoulders have been great since then - my lower back still grumps a lot at me when I go dancing or when I do dishes. But that’s mostly I think telling me I need to do back strengthening exercises.

Regarding unemployment:
Today is Day 12 of it. Yesterday I had the phone interview with the Employment Development Department (EDD, a.k.a. unemployment office), and I lucked out. I got a woman interviewer, whose cousin has endometriosis, so she was HUGELY sympathetic and told me I should have no problem getting the unemployment pay. Woohoo!!

I’m hoping to have my first check in the next ten days, which will hopefully be a two-week check by the time they decide to release the friggin money.

I’ve been wrapping up unfinished projects promised to people with the time I now have available. I will need to implement my goal of bicycling three times a week Real Soon Now, but with Halloween upon us, I’m too busy between home/backyard decorating and the projects to get much exercise on the bike. And then the first weekend in November, I’m already bedridden again from the pain. Intermittent sharp pains began last night - it’s “normal” for it to start off this way before the actual do0m.
Sooooo…bicycling…hmmm. Probably not til November 10th/11th.

Now I’m off to start my day, zo0m!

Two days ago, on Oct 24th, I corresponded with a coworker about meeting him for lunch on Friday at 11am. I sent a copy of the email to another email account, which I check more frequently, so I’d not forget.

What I failed to do was set a phone alarm reminder, as well as set a date in my iCal program.

And lo, I forgot all about lunch today and left him hanging.

So, things keep slipping through the cracks. I need to get better at remembering to even set a fucking reminder IN my phone AND on the iCal AND on sticky notes AND in as many places as possible.

I just now realised I’d forgotten about lunch with my coworker. I went into the email account to send an apology, and scrolled down to see his cell #. I left the room for a sec to get my cell phone, came back, and upon seeing my mail window open, had no idea why I needed my cell phone. But the number was right there in front of me in my mail window, and I had the cell phone in my fucking hand.

I put the cell phone down and went to reply to the email, and then realised that I had forgotten to plug his cell # into my phone…so I did that.

I can’t stand this. I feel no control over myself. My brain won’t remember things.

Because I had to put together a bunch of paperwork for the Labor Board yesterday (my phone interview is in a week!), which entailed printing out chat logs and emails with management to prove my case to the Labor Board that discrimination had taken place, naturally last night I had a dream/nightmare about the company that fired me.

I was at my desk, trying to get some work done so I could just leave for the day. The director of support looked at me uneasily but I don’t think he said anything. As I was finishing up for the day, I realised suddenly that I’d been fired days ago…but yet I kept coming back to work because they needed me and they knew it, and that’s why people were looking at me uneasily - I just wouldn’t go away¹.
As soon as I had this realisation, I abruptly stopped working and began to clear off my desk. I realised then that I had a lot of my personal stuff at the job², and that I’d need to stay very late after work boxing everything up. Good thing it was already after hours and everyone had gone home. I began to go through the darkened office, looking for boxes and newspaper to wrap my more fragile stuff in. As I was near the front door to the building, someone walking on the sidewalk outside³ glanced in at me furiously going through boxes and newspaper, while everything around me looked to be in a toppled mess. I remember thinking, “Oh crap, she probably thinks I broke in and is now off to call the police.” I hurried to a back room to look for more boxes.
Suddenly, the place turned into my father’s old house in Livonia - the one he grew up in full time, and then my brother and I grew up in, on weekends visiting dad. The place was a mess - boxes and garbage and stuff everywhere.4 As I was packing up my stuff, I began to notice … what the hell? CAT POOP! Giant dog-sized logs and curls of cat poop… everywhere? And my cats scampering about! I’d have to clean that up, too, before I could leave!!! Ugh!
I went to the wetbar and sat down and began packing some of my stuff up. That’s when my friend nateM showed up and sat down on the arm of the small loveseat in the wetbar, to my left. He began talking with me, and then my dad and his girlfriend5 came home. I apologised for the mess, and my dad announced that it was their anniversary, so I had to leave immediately so they could ‘celebrate’. I began scooping up my boxes and paper to exit the house, and then I woke up.

Good times, eh? I always hate having the work-related dreams after I’ve been let go, but alas, it’s what happens every time. I was doing fine with only having had the one dream, til I had to go and dig up all the paperwork for the Labor Board.

¹ This part of the dream happened because I had emailed a coworker asking if they’d be a witness for me to the Labor Board, because they too suffer from a health condition for which they are being harrassed. They wrote back in terrified manner: “I don’t think that I’d be any help regarding being a witness to anything. Remember, we had different schedules, days off and I wasn’t around when anyone from HR or management spoke to you about the absentee situation. To be frank, and I hope you understand, although no one at [the company] has ever given me reason to fear retaliation, I have had jobs where such situations have ended up in a bad way for me. 2 mortgages, a car payment and a heap of bills makes me try my best to fly right under the radar. I’d be happy to be a reference if a new employer calls, but there’s no union at [the company] to fall back on if someone thinks that I’m slinging mud.”
I have a heap of bills, credit card debt, a car insurance payment, and rent, and the company fired me. If I don’t pay my dad back the money I owe, I can make one month of bills before unemployment money sets in. And what if the money is delayed or denied? What if I can’t get another job right away? THAT is the fear. That is what keeps people in the jobs that abuse them, because they are afraid of being kicked out of their homes and cars. I don’t know if this person’s spouse works for a living and can help out financially like my man can help me. I understand The Fear because I’ve had The Fear - why else would I have stayed in so many shitty jobs for so long? But this is ridiculous. It has GOT to stop. People HAVE to get control of their lives and STOP letting money rule them and drive them into an early grave.
² This is actually not true. I stopped leaving personal artifacts at work right away after my first dotcom job let me go in 1998. I’ve never fully settled into a job since then, because I didn’t trust them to keep me, and I was right. I’ve had 14 jobs in 10 years, with eleven of those jobs being in the dotcom field.
³ There is no public sidewalk right in front of the main entrance - only an employee parking lot.
4 A total exaggeration of events yesterday - I was helping a friend clean house yesterday and it was nowhere near what my dad’s house in the dream looked like.
5 My dad is already remarried, has been for several years, and his anniversary isn’t til March, so I don’t know what that was about.

Well holy goddamn. According to the unemployment office automated phone message, the Southern California fires have closed some unemployment offices, and the workload is pushed to the Northern California offices, of which the lines are overrun and they only have the automated message option now - no live rep can be reached. I’ve been trying for THREE DAYS to reach these fucks before this automated message was put up. After the message plays, the phone disconnects.

And my unemployment interview is scheduled for this coming Monday!

Per their message, they’ll backdate claims, but in the meantime, all of us with new unemployment claims are fucked for receiving any pay.

This was in my horrorscope for this month: “…at the full moon, October 26, you may have to write a check to cover a major financial commitment, but if so, there’s no reason to be anxious. An unexpected windfall should arrive in the nick of time, allowing you to cover any hefty outlay you might need to make.”

Well I certainly hope so, because I’ve decided to ramp up the astrology biz instead of going back to work for dotcoms, and I just paid $200 for astrology software to help me out while I continue creating my own database. This commitment came up over the past week, and I’ve been talking about it. Yesterday my friend and I were talking, and she mentioned a lady that comes into her work does palmistry and coaches people wanting to work in the field of metaphysics. I said hey! I know of her! I have her card and have been meaning to talk to her! So it’s set, I’m going to want to talk to her SOON. This too was in my horrorscope: “The most important new development is the move of Saturn into your sign last month on September 2. Saturn will remain at your side until September 2009, a period of two years, while he puts you through your paces and generally toughens you up a little to be better able to handle anything life throws your way. You will soon assume a lot more responsibility in one area of your life, and you may already have an inkling of what that might be…Saturn never forces us to accept responsibility; we do so willingly because the offer is so juicy, and would have such long range potential for growth that most of us accept it without batting an eyelash.
You will be moving through new territory, but nevertheless Saturn will expect you to be a quick study so that you can live up to certain high standards of excellence. The area you will be in (or the lifestyle you will be living) will be completely new to you, so at times all this learning will be a little exhausting! Still, most people enjoy seeing personal growth, and you will be in such an accelerated period that later when you look back you won’t believe how far you’ve come in such a relatively short time period.
Since everything will be new to you, you’ll need to get advice from others who have been down that road.
…Last month Mars, the energy planet, also made a decisive move. Now ensconced in your eleventh house of clubs and groups and friendships, this area will become a vital area for many reasons in the weeks and months to come. There appears to be something very special about what’s going on in your life in regard to a club you belong to, or an organization you are working with in a different manner. Or, it may be that you will find that friends will figure very prominently in your life in your future - more so than you’ve ever seen or could even guess.
…Mars is set to stay in this area for nearly seven months, not the usual seven weeks! Mars is not due to leave your friends / people / events sector until May 9, 2008. No doubt you will be out mingling with others much more than you are used to doing, and much more than anything you’ve experienced in recent memory. New faces will be pouring into your life at a rapid, dizzying rate, and the trick you’ll need to learn is how to manage all these new contacts.”

Since I started telling people I’d like to do the astrology biz for real this time, I’ve had overwhelming support! Sweet!

Now I’m off to a friend’s house to help her with stuff - she asked me for assistance yesterday. I’m feeling good about getting out of the house!

On October 9th, I missed work again due to george, so I went to the doctor that day to get the doctor’s note to excuse me from work, per HR’s request. At that appointment, the new doctor that I appointed to be my full time doctor told me that next time she saw me, she wanted to do a full physical and really take stock of hte medical conditions going on. She asked if I ever had depression, based upon what she saw in my file (I’d been on Lorazepam for anxiety). I told her yes and she felt for some reason to really delve into my depression issues. I told her I don’t really HAVE a problem with the depression right now. No matter, it’s important, she says!

Oooookay. So I made my appointment for October 23rd…

Today I was almost denied the doctor visit because the front desk people told me that my man’s medical insurance carrier said I already had a physical in December, 2006. In reality it was a new patient appointment which, per my new doctor, “ran out of time because you had a lot to cover, and so it was billed as a physical”.
I told the front desk that no blood workups or anything was done - just the history. oh well! It’s done!
I told them to see me today anyway so they put it down as ‘other’ exam. That’s not the worst part.

The new doctor I hired gave a cursory glance to all the copies of my medical history that I’d made her - stuff relating to the car accident, the neck and back issues resulting from said car accident, the depression, the endometriosis and the gluten allergy, as well as pancreatitis. She said she wouldn’t keep most of it, and said that most of it is NOT RELAVENT!!!
She made suggestions that I try other hormones for the endo, despite me telling her NO, I will NOT go down that road again.
I told her that the pancreatitis and gluten allergy stuff needs to be in my file because it’s stuff that shows I have a weak immune system, and is likely also working hand in hand with the endometriosis, which is also said to be an autoimmune disease. My doctor said that trying to understand my body is futile because it’s all speculation and theory as to if endo is an autoimmune issue and can be tied/aggravated by the gluten allergy, which is also an autoimmune issue… she told me to stay with pain management doctor instead of going to her about neck/shoulder pain.

So she’s fired! By the time I got out of my appointment, the office was closed. I’ll be calling the doctor’s office tomorrow to request copies of my medical records back.

I feel that the problem is that doctors hate seeing my mountain of paperwork - it’s like I’m a threat to them. They like to treat one symptom at a time, not the whole person - not the whole history - it takes up too much of their time.

Oh, and they overcharged me too, today. They insisted each visit is $30. I told them no, it’s $15. They insisted I had a balance of $30. I paid it, plus today’s visit, which I told them I would ONLY pay $15 for, and told them I’ll look into it. SURE ENOUGH, IT’S FUCKING $15. Bastards.

The main thing I have to remember is, I don’t NEED to see this doctor regularly anymore now that I’m not under the thumb of the company requiring it. I need only specialists, and the specialists I’m seeing (GYN, acupuncture and pain management) do not require this doctor’s approval - I can just go to them.

Regardless, today just sucked. SHE’S the one who requested my history, then said most of it wasn’t relavent. I wasted my time, my printer paper and printer ink on that bitch.

My next appointment with the acupuncturist is tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes.

Back on July 6, 2006, I had eaten buckwheat pancakes and had a hypoglycemic attack, which is also what happens when I eat foods containing wheat. I suspected I was allergic to gluten, not just wheat as an isolated grain.

Since that time, I’ve been terrified of buckwheat, despite numerous sources citing it as gluten free.
I’ve also read over the past year that buckwheat is easily contaminated by glutenous flours and grains. That’s likely what happened to me last year when I used a buckwheat pancake mix - there must have been some glutenous flour contamination going on.

My health counselor gave me a cupfull of buckwheat a few months ago, and told me to soak the grain for hours, then rinse it, before cooking it. It was not in powdered form.

Well I tried that last night - I soaked it overnight, and today I made a breakfast porridge out of it, with a banana and cinnamon. It was tolerable, taste-wise. As I ate it, my stomach grumbled and gurgled a bit, but I did not have a sugar attack, nor did I feel nauseated, nor did I have intestinal panic.

So, lesson learned - I will eat buckwheat, but I will do so with extreme caution.

I am a dumbass. Or rather, I cannot keep up with my mail. I only get between 3 and 20 emails per day, mind you.

And yet, I panicked over the weekend about double-booking an event for Saturday the 27th, so I called my friend and left a couple of messages. He replied today by re-sending me the same email he sent me on the 13th. I know now that I received his first message because I searched for it - the subject line looked familiar.

So over the course of seven days, I forgot the date and time of a party, whose details were sent to me via email, and panicked because I was afraid of missing it or double-booking the evening.

Great one.

And now I see similar happened with the movie night my friends planned, which I’d forgotten about, which set off this whole fear of my forgetfulness - in short distrusting my own brain:
I’d received an email THREE days before the movie night, announcing where and when the movie would be showing. I’d acknowledged the email. And I still forgot.

Well, since that dramatic fiasco on my part, I’ve been trying to be on top of things by plugging events into my phone calendar with an alarm set, but things are still slipping past, like this upcoming party.

I see too that the night would have been double-booked had I not become concerned. There’s two parties on the 27th. Now instead of double-booking, I’m aware of both, and can try to make both if I’m feeling like a rock star.

So basically, disaster averted this time, but …

…wait….

Ok, disaster averted a second time - I just plugged in the movie showing for this Friday, too. It’s my second chance and if I miss it, I may as well go sit in a vat of hot tar.

Even though disaster is averted for this weekend, I am on eggshells with my own Self, untrusting of my own brain to remember stuff.