zeptember

Almost had a panic attack at work last week. I was just sitting there taking call after call and suddenly I felt like I was being choked to death. I had to regain my composure and breathe slow, deep breaths before answering the next call.

Today at work, I got bitchier and bitchier as the day wore on. I felt like at any moment, I could stand up, begin screaming like a wilderbeast, throw things off my desk, and heft it over the railing (I work in a loft).

I’m beginning to think that the Yasmin is affecting me.

Gah. And still two more days of work to go this week.

Over the weekend I was finally able to have some intimate time with my man. Only 24 days after surgery! Technically I was supposed to wait another week but well, we couldn’t hold out.

Of course, this brought george back temporarily. Barely any cramping. Then he disappeared.
Then today, two days later, without warning - george re-appeared - bright red and flowing. WTF!!! And horrible pinching pains on the left side again! It’s a good thing I have my post-op doctor appointment today.

I went to a pain management doctor today for the back pain I always have. This doctor talked about epidurals and surgery and steroidal injections into my spine! I told him I only want his advice on further NON SURGICAL treatment options. So he’s going to get me an MRI and also refer me to a specialist who can teach me to do gentle stretches.
I have back pain since my car accident in 1994, which leads my back to go out about 3-4 times a year. Each time, I’m out of work for about a week. But today I was not presenting pain symptoms. He felt my neck and shoulders and asked me a lot of questions, and gave me a preliminary diagnosis of Cervical Spondylosis (arthritis of the neck). I’m not shocked by that at all since thirteen years out from the car accident, arthritis is a given.

I just want the bleeding to go away so I can spend more intimate time with my man. We’ve waited weeks to enjoy each other, dammit!

4:46pm Edit: I went to the post-op appointment and had to walk two and a half blocks from the parking garage in the pouring rain. I had my raincoat on but my pants got a soaking. The good news is that doc tells me I’m healing up just fine. And she also explained the images she took of my pelvic region during surgery, and drew on the images with her pen to illustrate where the Endo was. Click here and here if yer not easily squicked by pictures of innards. Sorry about the crappy huge font - I couldn’t figure out how to make the font size smaller on my boyfriend’s Photoshop software, and I don’t have Photoshop installed on my ‘new’ Mac Mini, yet.
Doc tells me that the bleeding is within the realm of what could happen for the first month post-op, especially once resuming sexual activity. She tried to talk me into taking Lupron, which is chemically-induced menopause. But I’ve seen the effects of that on a friend recently, and I’m not into simulated Niacin flush hot flashes that last 20 minutes or more on a regular basis. So I’m to continue taking the Yasmin for a year with no interruption - no taking the sugar pills for the ‘week off’ to allow a period to occur. We’ll see how it all goes. The only side effects to the Yasmin so far have been slight nausea on the first day, and breast tenderness/swelling as of last night. I feel like I’ve already gone up a cup size.
But so far, no reports of extreme depression or any of the nasty side effects listed in the booklet.

Some day life will get back to normal and I can stop talking about george and post-op stuff.

George began to fade last night, giving me hope that I was getting better. I enjoyed the company of some friends at their house just around the block, and felt thankful that I have friends living so close. I REALLY need to stop being such a hermit and take full advantage of the fortune of friends living within walking, as well as short cycling distance on the island.

I was sad to feel that george returned this morning. Today is therefore day 5 of george. I know that when he fades and comes back, that he’s about to kill me. So I’m not looking forward to today.

My dad called to check on me last night when I got home from work. I told him how I’d gone in to work and made the best of the situation. He then wanted to know my mental state. I was honest. “I feel like shit, dad. This was a hard week for me. I’ve been in a lot of pain.” He softened a bit, and was happy for me when I told him that I found out the company I work for has an anti-discrimination policy in place for people with medical conditions.

You’d think I was a teenager the way I go on about my dad and how hard he pushes me. Is it healthy that I still feel that young? Is it healthy that he still treats me like I’m that young? I know I’ll be a basket case and I’ll need a very reliable life coach when my father finally leaves his mortal shell, cuz he’s IT - he’s the guy who coached me through living in poverty hell with my mom, through college, through my jobs, through my financial crises.

I made it through the day without more than a 600mg Ibuprofen. That’s not to say I didn’t suffer, though.

I had to go through ‘new hire orientation’ meetings today. I had to grit my teeth and steel against the pain a few times. Same thing while on the phone with customers during the little bit of phone time I did have today.

And of course, even though I had Monday off for President’s Day (that STILL sounds so silly, I never got that day off when I lived in Michigan and worked for a corporation), the email replies were still queueing up. And being off due to george and a doctor’s appointment yesterday didn’t help either. So I had a fuckton of email replies to get through, as well as chasing down escalation cases dating back to last week. Thus, I stayed an hour and a half overtime today. Sure, the pay will be nice. But goddamn, I just wanted my Tylenol 3 and the bed.

On my way home, I realised I forgot to take my Yasmin pill today. Even though I set a reminder for it. WTF. This is how hectic work is to me.

Oh, forgot to tell you - this morning in the shower, the scab on my left side fell off. It left a bit of a pit-mark, but it’s a sealed wound. I can’t wait for the other two scabs to fall off. Last week, a cow-orker who had a Laparoscopy a month before me showed off her scars. They’re nothing at all! I’ll be so happy if mine heal as well as hers.

So anyway, now I contemplate dinner. And Yasmin. And pain meds. And bed.

May tomorrow bring an end to the bleeding.

Left to my own decision, I’d have stayed home again today.

But the sound of my father’s voice keeps ringing in my head, “Even if you have to crawl in to work…”

It’s not just because I fear letting my father down if I lose this job due to poor attendance because of a disease.
I also fear letting my man down, because I’d become dependent upon him financially if I lose this job.

Given my own decision, I would have sold off a lot of my belongings and would have learned to live communally on a lower salary doing a job more suited to my happiness, or even a part-time job somewhere.

But I don’t feel I have a choice or a decision. And that’s sad.

I’ve chosen to want to please my father by being the first to go to college and escape poverty the way he did through corporate work. I’ve chosen to want to please my man through working for an entity which provides a way to pretend to live middle class.

I’ve made my bed, so to speak.

I’m not emotionally prepared to let these men down. And they’re not emotionally prepared to deal with being let down. That’s the fear - being disowned by them. Neither man likes it very much to have to support me financially. Both men give me the hairy eyeball whenever I ask for money or show dependency.

I looked into State Disability. I don’t qualify because I’m not out past eight consecutive days in a row. Not even my surgery qualified me. Although I was out for eleven days, the problem is that Disability doesn’t pay the first week off, anyway. It’s held as a “waiting period”, and then disability pay kicks in. So even though I miss work on a monthly basis, I still don’t qualify for disability. I would have to be unable to work all of the time due to my illness. And the fact is, I’m only ill once a month.

Now, to look fear square in the eye (OW, as I get a huge pinch on the left ovary causing me to cringe and gasp, while the uterine pain continues), I could say that although it’s rough today, I should still make an attempt to go in to work. Today is orientation day for me. I get to find out what sorts of benefits I get as a full-timer. Most importantly, I get to find out how many Paid Time Off (PTO) days I get, because I’ve already had to use …

…okay this is not cool. The pain is so bad now that I’m crying. I’d stood up to go prepare more food and there was a gush. Then the massive wave of pain. It passed after a few minutes. But I’m left with tears on my face.

*breathe*

I’ve already had to use one PTO day yesterday, and I’ll be using another on Monday for my post-op appointment and my pain-management appointment.
And then there’s the tickets to an event in Portland in May. And the trip home to see my parents in October. And every month, a few days off due to george (Hm I guess I should update that link for george).

*more breaths*

I need to wait for the pain to pass without Tylenol 3. I just took 600mg Ibuprofen, and now I wonder how that will react with the Yasmin, since the Yasmin booklet says also taking Ibu regularly can spike potassium levels (oh look, there’s Fear again).

…

I think the pain has passed along with the squid. … nope… still more.

But off I go to work. I don’t feel confident about this trek.