zeptember

Saturday, we picked up our Seattlite friend from the train station and took him out to sushi, Christmas lights and Tiki. I am fortunate to have had two sugar daddies that night, cuz I didn’t pay a dime.

After we had dinner, we drove over to a neighborhood on the island that’s famous for nearly every house going over the top with Christmas lights. It’s dubbed Christmas Tree Lane. We walked up one side of the street and down the other side, gawking at some of the hideous houses. The worst crazy house had an American flag all done up in Christmas lights, with drummer boys on each side of it. We took some pix, maybe when I’m not so lazy, I’ll post some.

From the Christmas lights, we went on to the Tiki bar, where we got suitably smashed. Although I’m such an accomplished alcoholic, I think I was the more sober of the three of us, and I weigh much less. We each had at least three drinks. We came back to the house and stayed up chatting with our friend til after 2am.

Sunday, we all slept in nice and late, and then enjoyed a lengthy breakfast. Afterwards, we got ready to go on to our family destinations. We took our friend to the train station so he could go do Christmas Eve dinner with his family, and then we went on to my boyfriend’s father’s house to have dinner.

Today we had to get up relatively early to prepare food for a potluck gathering of friends, and of course to unwrap presents.
My man got me a SNOG CD, a bath tray, lots of bath soaps and salts, a genealogy book (a manual for researchers and writers!), “The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook”, AND a Dr. Strangelove special edition DVD!
I got him the entire collection of the 1960’s TV series The Prisoner, as well as a sketch book by Alan Lee for Lord of The Rings, and the V for Vendetta graphic novel.

I also managed to get a couple loads of laundry done before we were off to our friend’s house. The early afternoon with friends lasted well into the evening, and we didn’t get home til about 10pm. It was a nice time spent in a low-key gathering - there were ten of us plus an infant, and we’ve all known each other for years. Over half the group is our regular Pissup Night group, so there was no social awkwardness for me. Woohoo!

The only downsides to this weekend were the fact that my back began locking up again today. I thought I was starting to recover, but before we even left to our friend’s house, my back began tightening. It grew worse over the course of the afternoon. I took two Soma while at my friend’s house, and I just took a 600mg Ibuprofen now. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Speaking of sleep, it’s time to get my pajamas on and head to bed. I’m excited that I have leftover food from the potluck to take to work tomorrow - it’s one less thing to worry about having to prepare for the workday.

I hope you all have had a nice weekend and have enjoyed time off for whatever purpose. I was happy to have the free day, and even happier that our group of friends at one point had a round table rant about some of us having grown up in Fundamentalist households. It’s good to be understood. Many of us tonight it seems are non-Christian or downright athiest. All seem to still enjoy the idea of gathering on a free day off work, in spite of the meaning of the day at hand for others. I had a nice time.

Well, I didn’t get an appointment for tomorrow. The doctor is on holiday.

When I arrived back on the island from work this evening, I took a detour from the main drag to one of the side streets. As I drove, I passed a church, which was broadcasting a song. I checked the time - 6pm. That church always plays bell tolling songs at 6pm.

I say “plays songs” because this church is so lame that it has megaphones where bells should be in the bell towers, yet the music is of ringing bells. That annoys me to no end, because I’m a purist on so many levels.

As I passed the church, the music emanating evoked something emotional for me. My eyes welled with tears. I struggled to analyse my reaction. My boyfriend likes to compare me to Data from Star Trek: Next Generation, because I’m always coldly analysing things and I like to remark, “fascinating…”

Anyway, for the next two blocks, I scanned my memory for the name of the song that I’d just heard the church playing. In the process, I remembered that as a child into my early teen years, I LOVED Christmas. I used to start practicing singing all the Christmas songs I could find sometime around Thanksgiving. I’d tune into the classical music station so I could use the Christmas music played there as a sort of karaoke to practice my singing.
I felt sad that I’d changed so much, and I wondered WHY and HOW I changed the way I did. I was an innocent sheltered Christian up through early college. I’d began questioning Christianity as soon as it was shoved at me in fifth grade. I searched out other denominations of Christianity through my friends in sixth grade. Then I succumbed to my mom’s fundamentalist brainwashing. Through nearly all of my teenage years, I was innocent and obedient compared to my peers. I didn’t carouse with boys. I didn’t pierce my ears. I didn’t go out drinking.

The title of the song then came to me - Greensleeves.

And then bitterness replaced the sadness.

Greensleeves was the name of the song noted on some of the Christmas albums my mother owned. Sometimes though, the song was known as What Child Is This? I never questioned in my youth why the song had two names, but I always liked the title Greensleeves much better. As a kid, it made me think of the green garland that decorates bannisters and doorways at Christmastime.

I didn’t learn the history of that song til I was in college as a Social Science major with a History core.

That’s when I found out that Christians have a nasty habit of taking songs, prose, symbols and traditions from other peoples and cultures and rewriting it as though it was ALWAYS Christian.

That’s why I wrote that cheesy website four years ago. I really need to redo that site - bring it over to this domain or something, and use my own code rather than the stupid Yahoo design template crap.

Anyway. Christmas albums using the title Greensleeves is laughable, because that’s the original tune and title, which is about a spurned lover. But Christians have changed the lyrics to be all about Jesus Christ.

Typical half-assery and ignorance. I parked my car and fumed.

Still, I wondered as I walked through the courtyard to my front door, Why do I miss the family gatherings for Christmas? My sadness returned when I acknowledged that I’ve not been home for Christmas in seven or eight years.
I’ve had no need to go home for Christmas. I was full on Pagan for several years. I HATE the midwestern winters. My mom’s family relations, once the very glue of holiday gatherings, had deteriorated. Why would I go home? I’m not that person anymore. Everything’s changed. It’s simply the tradition of it all - not the meaning of the day. But the tradition was broken when the family disintegrated. And anyway, I know I won’t stop being angry at Christians in general for a very long time, so I naturally boycott Christian family holiday gatherings.

That said, there’s a gathering on Christmas Day at a friend’s house in town. But most of us are either athiest, Pagan or very loosely Christian. It’s all about gluttony and enjoying an extra day off work. There’s no baggage there, like I have associated with my family.

I am aware that every year I do a rant about Christmas. Every year I realise a little more about why I react to Christmas the way I do. It’s good therapy.

Changing subject now to my thrown-out back, I started to feel a little bit better today. I applied heat a few times while at work, which helped.
My ankle however is still sore and not ready to be out of a bandage. I should actually go get a brace for it tomorrow. Wearing a shoe has been uncomfortable, and getting in and out of my car is always painful. If after next weekend it’s not healed up (sprains usually take 2 weeks), I’ll arrange for xrays.

Last thought of the evening - lots of people are out partying tonight. Part of me wants to be among them but of course I am wounded. Even if I were not wounded, I’d likely not go out to a club or anything big tonight. I’ve become quite the homebody and I’m torn over it. But the social anxiety is too much and it’s better for me to avoid situations where I’m making an ass out of myself or saying stuff to weird people out at inopportune times due to my anxiety issues.

Still, my friend arrived in town from Seattle, and tomorrow we have a date with the local Tiki bar. He’s the one who told me and my man about the Tiki bar before renovation began on an old dive. So there will be fun this weekend. Just not tonight. And that’s okay.

Last Saturday I sprained my ankle when I was staggering drunk. A nice purple bruise is now forming under the ankle. I’ve been popping 600mg Ibuprofen and wrapping the ankle in bandages all week.

Yesterday at work, I brushed my hair out of my face by swinging my head to the left girly style, and my neck/shoulder went out. The pain that happens whenever my neck and shoulder go out always feels like a warm or hot trickle of fluid running down my back and/or left arm. My heart sank when I felt that feeling cuz I knew it meant my back would be out for at least a week. Good thing I went to the doctor on the 13th, plead my story, and had a sympathetic doctor who took me on my word to pre-emptively prescribe me some drugs.
I took 1200mg Ibuprofen by late afternoon yesterday while still on the job, and it didn’t even make a dent in the stiffness and pain.

I got home and used a hot pad and took, over the course of the next three hours, THREE Soma pills, until I was sufficiently stoned and could feel my muscles trying to relax.

My boyfriend tried to no avail to give me a massage, but he’s still sick with a sinus infection so even giving a massage wore him out. What a pair we are this week!

The last time my back tried to go out I think was early October, just before I quit the job at the Optometrist’s office. Somehow I managed to pop my shoulder back into place. It’s a mystery as to how I do that when I do - I just got lucky.

My boyfriend told me with some repulsion and amazement after touching my neck that the left side of my neck “feels like a thick cord”. This “cord” stretches down onto my shoulder/scapula area.
The pain radiates to my left elbow, which tingles. Usual behaviour for when my neck/shoulder go out. It’s been happening regularly for about the past three years, but it’s related to the car accident in ‘94.

Today is the last day of work before the Christmas holiday, and they’re already short-staffed, and I REALLY need the money. So I’m going in to work. I’ve placed a call to the doctor - hopefully the doctor can see me tomorrow.

Wow, that last post was angry. I didn’t mean it to be. I just get so frustrated trying to figure my shit out.

I woke up hungover. Go me!

I also woke up thinking about how much it costs to rescue someone stranded in the snow, because there’s been several more reports of people gone missing. This time, people were SAILING and some other people were ICE CLIMBING. But they didn’t bring enough gear or protection. Ultimately, these people were dumbasses by getting lost or stuck, but the media broadcasts the human emotional story. I have followed these stories with morbid interest, at times feeling sad for the people and their families.

However, since I’m more often a cold bitch, I wondered, “how much does it cost to rescue someone who gets lost or stranded, be it in the woods, on a mountain side, or in the snow, all because they didn’t pay attention to the extended weather forecast or bring enough gear or food or whatever?”

So I googled and found this article. “The search for climbers missing on Oregon’s Mount Hood is costing the county government there up to $6,000 per day, but national search-and-rescue leaders say that is just a fraction of the total costs of such a mission.”

“Officials said photos taken by James show the team was not well-equipped for a long stay. Ice axes left in a crude shelter indicate the men had a difficult stay and moved forward without crucial tools.” - sfgate

My next thought was just as cold hearted: “Nice going, dumbasses.”

I thought of the families of the lost and stranded, and of course got mad on their behalf again.

Oh, also, changing subject again…it finally happened. I woke up this morning with my workplace’s muzak in my head. We wear headsets. At the end of each call we have to record the call in the database. Muzak plays on the phone before the next call comes in with a loud beep.
I have tinnitus from this fucking job that gives bad headaches sometimes, on top of the cost to drive to and from work and well the job in general. I’m really PAYING to have a fucking job.

Oh look! Time for work!

So it’s one day shy of Pissup Nite, and I failed to remain sober.

I was so drunk on Saturday that I fell and sprained my ankle outside of my friend’s new home.
It’s a mild sprain but my left ankle is bruised to show proof, and my calf is sore from trying to walk flat footed all week.

Tonight, instead of another round of ibuprofen, I decided to take alcohol for dinner. What motivated me is what always motivates me - the fact that I’m broke. I have $140 til payday. Payday is this Friday, and rent is due the week after. I only get paid every 2 weeks. I don’t get paid again til January 5th and bills are due with rent.
Thankfully, xmess presents are already bought and sent. I wanted to do more for my boyfriend but I just can’t.

I haven’t been able to save ANYTHING aside from 10% of my paycheck. Can’t pay my dad back. Can’t pay my bf back. Can’t save towards Convergence next spring. Can’t save towards wedding which boyfriend now wants to happen in 2 years max when I thought it was three. Can’t save for trip to Michigan in October 2007. No money.

The trip to Tahoe to see my friend off to Canada next month will be an irresponsible expense that I WILL take on, because he’s moving away and he’s who I call my Buddha. He’s also a founding father of the Cabal that I belong to.
No way am I missing his ex pat party.

On another topic now - one I have been avoiding… and probably also why I’m drinking…
I went to the doctor last week. My doctor called a week later- tonight - to say she IS going to refer me to a neurologist for my babble issues.

I’m not used to divulging such things about my mental state.
My menstrual state? Sure. But telling you how mental I am? Not so much. I have this acquaintance on LiveJournal how tells ALL about his mental issues. It’s the very point of his LJ it seems. He’s inspired me. But not on LJ - he’s inspired me to divulge stuff here. But once I do, I seem to regret it for days afterwards.

So it’s been a few days since my last post. And now I’m piss-drunk and can barely type in order to get this post out as a result cuz it’s so difficult.

But, it’s true. I AM mental. I DO have babble issues. I DO believe they are related to my auto accident in 1994. If it turns out to be a psych issue over a neurological damage issue, it won’t change my belief that this was brought on BY the car accident in ‘94 when my HEAD BOWED OUT A FUCKING WINDSHIELD.

That’s all I can muster for now. GOOD NIGHT.