zeptember

I had a disappointing phone conversation with my father about an hour ago.

He called to wish me happy early new year and went on and on about how buddy-buddy he is with my brother, now that he’s helping my brother run his skate shop. It’s all he ever talks about these days.

Here’s the backstory before the rest of today’s story:

My father and brother have been on really bad terms since about 1992, when Dad had to bail him out of a ten year prison sentence. My brother started off as The Good Son - an A student in high school. But by his senior year, my brother snapped. His grades started falling. He began doing drugs. By his first year out of high school, he was dealing drugs. I became The Good Daughter because I was in college. But even I had a falling out with my father and he kicked me out of his house less than a year after I graduated college. My brother continued to be the Bad Seed while I repaired my relationship with Dad - my brother knocked up a high school chick who was only 15 years old. He married her after her older brothers beat the living shit out of my brother, and both families threatened rape charges and disowning him for his actions.

By the time I moved to California, I was The Good Daughter again. My father trusted me with his Last Will and Testament information and appointed me executor - the highest most noble deed assigned to me ever.

But this year, my brother finally, after all these long years, repaired his relationship with our father, and begged Dad to help him with the bookkeeping on his business. After several months of Dad being wary, and making sure this wasn’t another scam on his son’s part (he’s been involved in several scams over the years and has run from the law as recently as two years ago), my dad finally agreed to help his son run the business. Things have been very good - almost too good, between them, ever since.

Yes, it is true that I’m still mistrustful of the situation. I know my brother. It’s just a matter of time before he fucks up again. But my dad ain’t gettin any younger. If he makes dad happy from now til death, that would rule. Here’s hoping on Dad’s behalf that my brother can live up to the expectation. But at the same time, I’m really not holding my breath. I’ll be really sad for my dad if his son disappoints him again.

This almost brings us up to tonight’s phone call. Let’s however not forget that last month, I borrowed a large sum of money from my father very reluctantly to make ends meet, because I have spending issues. Dad went over my budget with me and lectured me as to be expected, and lent me the money. I’m not to pay him back until I have the entire lump sum - no partial payments. This is what puts me back into teenager mode. I am under his thumb again. I’m just the kid. I’m the bad seed again. I’m on probation. I’m not to fail this test. I have to make good on my word, etc.

This brings us up to tonight. Dad asked what I was doing for NYE tonight. I said I was getting the house clean and also getting ready to go out with friends to a low key event.

I also mentioned that I was dying my hair purple.

My dad’s reply? “ooookay….” and not much else to say after that.

Then he said “don’t do drugs”. “be good”. “don’t drive drunk”….

Yeah, cuz purple hair equals drug use, apparently. I’ve fallen this far from him again, because I’ve borrowed money and I’m still dying my hair funky colours. I haven’t “grown up” yet. I’ve disappointed him.

The other day, he emailed me to ask if there was a chance he’d be a grandpa again, which is shorthand for asking when my man and I were gonna get married and have children.
I get this all the time from my mom and from my boyfriend’s father. But I never expected to hear this from MY father. He’s not usually that kind of person.

I wrote him back to thoroughly explain as tactfully as I could my position on why my man and I won’t be having children.

He wrote back a one-liner: “Hope your New Year brings you both good health and prosperity.”

Great. He’s disappointed in me. And today’s conversation didn’t help. I won’t bear him any grandkids and I’m still dying my hair purple. He must be thinking, “What a waste. What a failure. She’ll never grow up.”

And this brings me to my last journal entry - the one where I said I need to start letting go.

I’m not a kid anymore. I know I don’t want to breed. I know I’m not like the other adults out there. I know I’ll never be what the mainstream wants or needs. I need to be okay with that. I need to love my choices in life and respect myself as a mature grown-up in my own right.

This is part of what keeps me in depressions - the idea that I have to conform and please my elders and society. Why have I still not learned to pleasantly ignore all of that bullshit and live the life I want to lead for myself, guilt-free?

This is what I need to learn in 2007. I need to learn this well before my parents, especially my father, passes from this world. Because so long as I’m just the underachieving kid who’s always trying to please Dad, I won’t get anywhere emotionally in life. And if he goes before I’ve figured out I have a life of my own, there’ll be nothing to stop me from feeling like a complete and utter failure, and pressing the reset button.

2007 is a VERY important year for this reason.

Last night on the way home from work, I decided I want to redo my website and journal. I want to create custom rss feeds for my homepage. Failing that last night, I turned to a new journal design, which I’ve also been thinking about lately.

I succeeded with the journal design, at least.

The changes you see before you reflect change in the person as well. I got tired of all the depressing blue and black. I felt I was keeping myself in a cold depressive funk by the very colours and imagery I’d chosen to reflect my personality through this journal.

The new design I’ve picked and tweaked feels warm. I hope my overall tone begins to change as well. I’m tired of being the depressed pessimist with never-ending health problems. I want all that to change in 2007.

October 31st was my New Year’s Eve, and I’d started thinking about what changes I want for myself in the coming year. It took me about two months to even get used to the harsh changes that I plan for myself, and now, tomorrow, on the New Year’s Eve that is more widely acknowledged, I can officially throw the stone out to sea with the things I don’t want anymore.

I’ve realised in the last two months that I’d become an alcoholic again. I’d become chronically depressed again. I acknowledged consciously once more that all I ever talk about are my health problems. I realised that my grudge against my mother’s side of the family was at fever pitch again for no good reason. And then, to drive it all home, between December 17th and December 29th, I sprained my ankle while piss-drunk, threw out my back days later, got a horrible sinus infection, and got my usual debilitating period while still trying to recover from all the other injuries.

My first reaction of course was self pity and depression, along with the fatalist overtones I learned so well from my mother and her family. But I kept thinking of that song, and of my determination to finally GET IT on a conscious level.

I think I’m finally getting it.

Saturn is retrograde from December 5, 2006 until April 19, 2007.

According to Judy Collins of the Arizona Society of Astrologers, “A retrograde Saturn makes the individual seek a different kind of responsibility and purpose in life. The person may be challenged by either the father or other authority figures to take more responsibility for their actions. Through the past life experiences, they answer their critics with a slow persistence of reaching their goals in life. Where the planet is by house and where it rules shows the area where they will have to strive hard for success. A retrograde Saturn builds the character to accept small gains in the long process of success. Security issues need to be addressed in their present life and only when the ego does not interfere, does the individual feel a sense of peace. Saturn’s sign in the chart is where the person needs to address the demands and responsibilities of life.“.

Well hm. I don’t know how to do chart progressions. I’ve sat here for hours digging through my astrology books, before finally ordering a chart progression online from a site I’ve visited for years.

I do know where Saturn was at the time of my birth, though. Saturn was in the 2nd house of my natal chart. Not a good placement. Spells a life of financial trouble. I was set from day one to grow up in poverty and have financial woes. However, I firmly believe that I chose this path for myself, pre-incarnation.
It’s been a life-long struggle to overcome being so pissed off by my own karmic choice.

With that, I also know I won’t stop talking about my health issues as I continue to find a way to overcome them, but perhaps I can approach it without such a defeatist attitude.

In general, I want to start approaching what’s left of my life in a healthier manner for myself.
And by “what’s left of my life”, I mean exactly that. I have no idea when my life could end. I could live long or I could die before finishing this journal entry.

It feels good to think of letting go. I want to be able to believe that I can achieve letting go in 2007.

Susan Miller of Astrology Zone writes for this month’s Virgo forecast, “The past year has been a tough one for you, due to the eclipses, but you seem to have adjusted well. Pat yourself on the back for having shown so much strength and fortitude in the face of so many challenges, dear Virgo. I raise my glass of champagne to you.”

Thank you.

I went to work with worsening infection yesterday. Just barely got through the day. At the end of the day, george arrived. At least he was merciful enough to A) be on time and B) attack me after I got home.

As last night progressed, I missed two doses of Robitussin. I figured I’d be getting monster george cramps and that I’d need Tylenol 3. But as 10pm approached, my cough worsened and my throat grew more sore and scratchy by the minute. Finally, at 1am, I could stand it no longer. I woke up and took the Robitussin, whimpering from the sore throat.

Wouldn’t you know it, that’s when george decided to give me some lovely cramps!
So all night I was in and out of bed to either hack up lung butter or reheat the rice pad for my cramps.

This morning, my added fun was that I got the trots. I called in sick to work.

Bonus - I scored a doctor appointment this afternoon. Hopefully I can get me some cough syrup w/ codeine in it.

I can’t stop thinking of all the damage my body has taken since December 23rd. I need to ponder some more about what this means for me in the new year. The answer is obvious but I have not brought it forth consciously. Opinions?

1:45pm Edit: I just accidentally shattered a jar in the bathroom while changing clothes. I keep tallying up all the shit that’s happening to me or that I’m causing. I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. I just want it all to stop.

It was early afternoon at work when the scratchy sore throat turned nasty.
I sneezed and presto! Bloody yellow phlegm wad!
The coughing started shortly afterwards. I’d already had a bad sinus headache all damned day, but straight to bloody phlegm wads? My man didn’t ever get any of that! NOT FAIR!

So that, combined with pre-george pains made me one cranky bitch for sure. I got through my day without speaking much to anyone at work (but was my usual charming self on the phones), and got the hell out of there. I made it home in just under an hour, thanks to the fact that so many people are still on vacation.

I apologized to my boyfriend in advance, saying I’m as much at fault as he is for getting me sick cuz I let him get all cozy with me, BUT! I got sick and have no extra money to allocate towards doctor visits or even over the counter (OTC) medication.

To recap:

In the past ten days, I have:

• sprained my ankle
• thrown out my back
• obtained a sinus infection

And in the next 24 - 48 hours, I will also get george. And I’m still recovering from the first two issues on the list.

I am welcome to be as mopey as I please.

Well. It appears we’re having a swarm of earthquakes on the Hayward Fault. Four in one week so far, all ranging between 2.6 and 3.7 on the Richter Scale.
The Experts say that it’s nothing to worry about - swarms like this happen all the time. They say it is releasing stress on the fault line - that it’s not a harbinger of The Big One.

I of course don’t believe the Experts. I think that the fault is slipping. I don’t see stress relief by small quakes. I see slipping fault leading to huge quakes Real Soon Now.

Across the ocean today off the coast of Southwestern Taiwan, an earthquake between magnitude 6.7 and 7.2 struck in the ocean. What’s all going on in the Ring Of Fire?

I’m known for being negative, pessimistic and a bit of a doomsayer. I was, after all, raised that way.

When I avoid my boyfriend for a week to avoid the nasty cold he’s caught, for example, I mean it with good reason. However, with the Christmas holiday, I caved in and got cozy with my man. Today, just three short days later, I am paying for it. I have his cold. It ramped up really fast and led him to miss two and a half days of work.
For me it’s worse because george is slated to invade by tomorrow. I’ll miss work for that anyway, but with a hacking cold on top of george? That’s going to make me one cranky bitter bitch.

The cold, having george, and worrying about The Big One should do well to occupy me on this, the last week of 2006.

I don’t WANT it. It’s what I have to work with.