continued
Was awakened crying by a nightmare at 2:40am.
I was being questioned by some Germans about a pair of brown cargo pants. I thought I had given them to the thrift store. I was genuinely surprised when the German SS reproduced my cargo pants and questioned me at length about how I ever came to have the pants and why I got rid of the ‘evidence’. I kept telling them that I’d simply become too thin to wear the pants and had given the pants to a thrift store.
They let me go.
However, my boyfriend was now being held for questioning on unrelated charges. They might torture him. Instead of going on my way like I was told to do, I hung back and began to spy on what was going on. Then they started coming out to the back area of the house - the back yard I guess… with my boyfriend to strap him to the torture table. I quickly dove under the table, which was stupid because there was no cover on the table.
It was one of those moments like when you’re a kid and you think that when you close your eyes tight enough, nobody can find you.
So I laid there under the table, somehow levitated under it, eyes closed. They strapped my boyfriend in to begin the torture. Then I felt MY hands being pried open and little candles stuck between each digit. The woman in charge, who had also interviewed me, lit the candles. I could feel the heat. They were small candles. I felt my fingers begin to burn. She then fixed her gaze on me; she’d discovered they were my hands at the head of the table that she’d reached for - not my boyfriend’s. I opened my eyes. Her eyes were filled with rage. She dragged me out from under the table.
SS men came rushing in while she was barking orders to them and yelling at me in German. I was ordered to be dragged off by my hair. My boyfriend looked on in horror but I smiled and told him something like, “It’s okay, my hair is thick enough, if I just lay on my hair on my stomach, I won’t feel the dragging.” That’s when they grabbed hold of me and dragged me off by my very thick long blonde hair.
I turned over on my belly and laid on the rest of my hair and felt the tugging at my scalp but it was okay. I didn’t get scuffed up from the dragging this way.
I was thrown into the head SS woman’s office up front in the house again. She felt almost bad to have to torture me for what I’d done. I tried to make it sound like I got lost, and got tired, and had to rest. She didn’t believe me.
She began the torture process while someone else looked on. She began cutting up my face. She meant to do something to my eyelid but I twitched and she scraped off part of my left eyeball. She and the onlooker winced. I pulled away and with wide eyes looked around and established that I could still see out of my left eye. There was blood dripping into it, though, and the vision was deteriorating. I looked back at the torturer and said, “it’s okay” and she continued.
I awoke and began crying.
I’d already been crying for four hours on and off from the time I was in commute on the way home from work. Now three hours into my sleep, I awoke crying again from a nightmare.
And yet, I’m going in to work.
We’ll see how much of the day I get through.
I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. I usually require a full protein breakfast before work. I know I will sugar crash at work unless i eat. I don’t feel like eating. I have to leave in 5 minutes for work.