So my first week on the new job turns out to be a 12-day work week.
I’ve worked seven straight days (today was a half day, I should be thankful) so far. I go back for the next week’s worth of work tomorrow, and I’d better get next Saturday and Sunday off, or else I’ll need to be committed to a mental hospital.
I’ve already had two breakdowns this week at home, and two bouts with bad anxiety at work over being in a new social environment. Nobody but me knew what was going on, but it happened.
I’ve seen some really beautiful sunrises and sunsets, but it’s been from my car while driving in commute traffic.
By day three, I had an image in my head playing over and over while I tried to beat the sun up on the way to work: the part in the movie Shadow Of The Vampire, where Count Orlock discovers a movie projector, looks in the eye piece, and sees a moving black and white image of a sunrise flashing before his eyes.
After that image in my head, I’d catch a real full colour sunrise, and always wonder if, like being turned into a vampire, it would be my last.
So depressing.
I got the loan from my father, which I had to deposit into my bank account because I was near negative again.
Day four on the new job was panic mode, because they’d lost a piece of hardware in the data center. Apparently this single failure caused upwards of 70,000 customers to be without service, which royally pissed them off, because they’re trying to run their own businesses off of this company’s backbone.
I and customers alike began to wonder why the hell there was no mirror - no redundancy - no failover in place?
Because they’re stupid?
Eh, well, they’re paying me assloads of overtime, which I need because I’m massively in debt after taking two loans to get by. I didn’t want to work Saturday and Sunday. I could have said no. But I’m sure they’d have told my recruiter not to have me back on Monday if I did say no. That’s how it works - “you are asked, not forced”, they say. But if you say no, you get a bad review, passed over for a raise, and/or let go shortly afterwards. I know the drill.
I get up at 5am. I leave for work at 6:40am. I arrive at work by 7:45 or 8am depending on traffic. I leave work at 5pm. I get home by 6:15 - 6:30pm depending on traffic. I have from 6:30pm until 10pm each night to eat dinner, do chores, prepare food for the next day, and go to bed. That’s three and a half hours, with no relaxation time. I’ve been having nightmares about sleeping through my alarm clock, or of people shouting at me to wake up, or of people creating a lot of noise which wakes me up and has me becoming violent in these nightmares.
I found out today that the manager in my cube drives from Vallejo, which is much further north and east than I even live. So her daily drive must be 2-3 hours each way.
Oh, yeah and each cube has an appointed manager to eyeball the three workers in the cube to make sure they’re all dutifully plugging away at support calls and emails.
Regarding the diet, to sum up, this week I:
- eliminated refined sugar
- added sugar substitute in low doses
- reintroduced red meat into my diet with no complications (I was nearly there when I started eating small pieces of sausage last month - I just finally went and bought half a pound of deer meat and went for it)
- I’m still drinking hard liquor as a coping mechanism (one shot or one small glass w/ ice)
- I’m still drinking wine as well (1-2 glasses)
So my depression is magnified by dietary changes, I’m sure.
Also, today two of my friends got married. I was supposed to be there at noon but I had to work til noon. I didn’t get home til 1pm. There was a voicemail from my boyfriend saying the ceremony didn’t start til 1pm so he hoped to see me.
…
And I hadn’t eaten since 8am.
…
Needless to say, here I am, not at the wedding. I’m so tired that my body is shakey. You know - that “so-tired-i-could-cry” feeling.
And yet my foot won’t stop bouncing. Prolly from the coffee I had at breakfast (which I never do because it fucks with my blood sugar, but I’m in a lose-lose situation this week anyway). Awake and sugar crashing or Moody and tearful and eyes drooping?
Yeah.
Oh and Mercury is going retrograde next week.
According to astrologycom.com, “Mercury retro in Scorpio inclines to a sharp, sarcastic tongue. People generally tend to be bold and stubborn, headstrong and difficult to get along with. Knowledge and information is equated with power and secrecy. Confusion arises over secret matters that come to light and misguided information deriving from those who cling stubbornly to their opinions. Mysticism and the occult are in the news, scarily so! People are more quarrelsome, skeptical and cynical, hanging on to opposing views and often sarcastic to others. Sexual advances and sexually coloured statements are more likely to be misconstrued.
The emotional influence of Scorpio sharpens our instincts, but makes us less sympathetic. Secrets will come to light, often to the discomfort of those concerned. It is not a good time for surgery.”
Just FYI is all. Do not take literally. Use as advanced warning and a guide to what COULD go wrong, and find ways to prevent it. That is all.
Good night.