zeptember

I’ve never liked my depressions. I used to go a few weeks max before another depression would set in. It got worse with george. I used to go from one depression to the next, enjoying only a mere week sometimes of happiness.

When I stopped eating sugar, wheat and yeast back in April, I noticed that I was out of the pit for long periods of time. It felt soooo good.

In June, I started to really stress about moving and the new job, and I went back to eating sugary stuff, and minimal amounts of wheat and MSG (a.k.a. yeast extract, found in all kinds of “health food”).

And of course, within a few months, here I am, meltdown.

I know WHY I’m here. I know I can get back out. But when I’ve fallen into the pit, I usually have to stay awhile and set the broken bones, so to speak. While there, I have to reflect on stuff and Wait For It as it were.
Then, the trampoline arrives and I bounce back out.

In the meantime, I become a darker than usual person.

Today’s attempt to figure my mind out centers on why I am miserable in every job I’ve ever had, and how I can stop this cycle.

Clearly I’d like to not work at all. But I’ve never wanted to be a burden on anybody. I must take care of myself. Nobody wants to have to care for someone else when they’re trying to pay their own bills, unless they’re rich of course. I grew up in poverty. I’m dating someone who is in immense debt. As of this year, I’m over $5K in debt myself.

I was taught that money buys happiness, because my mom expected my dad to provide for all of us. He is bitter and resentful because of it, and gets upset when my brother or I have to call home for a loan. So I’d stopped calling long ago…until this year. I mentioned I MIGHT have to borrow money, and his tone showed disappointment in me, so I told him forget about it, and he happily did.
I have to grow up, cut the umbilical cord, take care of myself.

When one grows up with a set way of thinking, it’s hard to break free from that. I still haven’t figured out how to break free. My friend is a constant source of inspiration to me for all the times she’s tried to quit working for the man as it were. I keep trying to pare my expenses down. I keep trying to think of new ways to reuse and to part with stuff.
But I have too much materialistic greed, so long as I live with my boyfriend, who has the means to continue living above his means. It’s not his fault that I’m weak and I cave in. But knowing I have the weakness means I should somehow remove myself from it.
If I decided to get a one bedroom shack somewhere and get rid of my CD and book collection, as well as furniture and all the spooky knick-knacks, there’s no friggin way my boyfriend would go along with that. No way.
I could do it myself right? Live on my own again, right?

I don’t feel like that’s possible, either. It’s an emotional and financial tie I’ve made.

Can’t I make changes in the existing household for just my own self?

The answer is yes, hello YES. I acknowledge that I’m weak and haven’t been able to do that, though, not while living with someone who is materialistic.
So obviously, CHANGE the reality of the situation. That’s the correct answer.

It sounds SO easy typed out like this. I’m rearin to go like I’ve been to a pep rally.

I open up the want-ads and craigslist and I start the job search - and I feel depressed and nauseated all over again. I get stuck right at the starting line. I do not have confidence in my job skills. After all the jobs I’ve had since moving to California, I know a little about a lot of stuff. But after the dotcoms came crashing down, employers put their foot down and demanded specialisation. I’ve been displaced ever since.

I tried to go back to school when I was on unemployment in 2004, but the unemployment office demanded I quit, citing I was not taking classes to further my technical skills (I was taking a UNIX class, a programming class, and a Cisco certification class).

YOU figure it out.

The bastards halted my unemployment checks until I dropped out of school. I remained unemployed until the company that let me go took me back for a new contract after ten months.

Part of my whole problem is the whoring I have to do to sell myself to corporations. It’s a slimy business to write cover letters and resumes and go through interviews. I’ve never liked it, ever.
And I’m not good at lying or faking it. And I blank on critical questions due to extreme nervousness. And I don’t get jobs as a result.

I’ve thought of applying for mental disability. But one has to prove they are mental, too, you know. One has to go through a battery of tests and one HAS to take the harmful psychological pills and one has to demonstrate they cannot hold down a job.

Well, I got the ‘can’t hold down a job’ part. The brutal truth is that I’ve been fired and fired and fired again for attitude issues - for refusing to drink the kool aid.

But I can’t prove that I’m mentally debilatated. I’m just fine when I’m not working AND have money to pay the bills.

Ahhh, there’s the ‘M’ word again.

When will I learn to stop worshipping it.

I hate this capitalistic society. I hate the immorality it teaches. I hate the shame it teaches for nonconformity.

I hate that I cannot break out of it.

I should become a buddhist monk and forsake everything and go perch on a cold mountain somewhere. That’s what would actually bring me to the next incarnation. And yet, knowing this, I shrink back in abject fear.

Why?

Why is it sooooooo difficult to let go of this carnal world?

And you thought certain drugs were bad. Hah!