zeptember

I’m in exactly the same headspace I was in two days ago.

I’m still reflecting on my decision after last Thursday’s rejection to forge ahead and try to start my path to small business, doing the genealogy thing. I was disillusioned after reading a plethora of info the other day, but came back to it today and gave it my best. But the sticking point is this informational page.
It’s AWESOME info to start me off, but I realise that I cannot possibly do good service to the genealogical community by jumping right in and declaring that I’m open for business, after looking at some professional genealogists’ sites.

The same is true for the thing I wanted to pursue back in 2004 - the professional astrologer thing. Added to that venture however was the fact that I had, out of everyone I know, the support of exactly two people to go forward with that project. I got outright ridicule from a lot of my friends. And then I found out that I really want to be doing Sidereal astrology, not Tropical astrology, so I’d have to start all over again building up my flatfiles while trying to figure out how to use a database program. And then I landed a day job again so I quit that project altogether.

Then there’s the whole “write or finish a book for once” thing.
But then I start thinking that by publishing my childhood journals for example, I will do damage to my family because of the psychological/social commentary I’ll be providing with it…unless I publish under a pseudonym. Hmmm.

I can get crackin on the book, sure. But if I can’t finish and publish it by the time my unemployment benefits run out, then I’ve wasted my time and set myself up for failure AGAIN. By “wasted my time” I mean of course “took that path at the wrong time and wasted precious resources”, which appears to be a theme in my life.

And of course I’m still thinking “Well if I can’t emotionally handle dotcom work anymore, and my bachelor’s degree is no good for me anymore because it’s been 11 years, then what do I have left? What good am I?”

Again, what good am I? What do I want to do with my life? On repeat: I’m going to be 35 this year and I’ve not MADE a career path for myself, yet. In the beginning of taking dotcom work, I thought that was my career, until the series of layoffs, downsizing, The Crash, and subsequent perpetual short-term contracts. I kept trying and trying. I tried for 8 years and held a total of 7 dotcom jobs in that time (there was also the 4 other non-dotcom jobs in that time, too).
I’m at the point now that when I go about my job search and I see any dotcom work, I get nauseated and then have a panic attack.

Black Snake Moan has played in my head on repeat, today, along with me blasting Nine Inch Nails and SNOG.

I do not want this.

After calling the unemployment office every half hour since yesterday afternoon, I finally got through around 10:45am today. I found out that the reason my benefits have been cut off is that a new Staffing Coordinator at the place where I contracted filed a protest to the unemployment office, saying I’d never worked there.

I obtained her name from the unemployment office, and asked my boyfriend to look her up in the staff directory (since he still works there). Got her info, called her up, politely explained who I was and the situation.

She was very nice, and said that the paperwork was supposed to go through the staffing solutions partner, NOT through the company itself, and so that’s why she protested the company itself paying out unemployment benefits.
I informed her that the unemployment award letter to me does in fact state the staffing solutions partner as my last employer.
She was confused by this, so hunted down a name and number for that partner for me to contact.

Called staffing solutions partner, politely explained who I was and the situation. Was told they’d never received unemployment paperwork on me, and that they’d research it right away and call me back. Left them my number.

Meanwhile, my face has broken out because of all this stress. They’ve got until April 5th to get their asses figured out, or else I get officially and outwardly angry.

I’d like to have just run in, guns blazing, and ask questions later, but you know…that’s never really worked well for me in the past, so I’m trying a new angle.

I ended up job hunting in my panic yesterday, which worsened the panic and depression. Today I’m still depressed and still job searching.

The neighbors upstairs aren’t helping with all the loud noise and chair scraping on bare floors. Oh and today they’re tossing buckets of water over their balcony, splattering their next door neighbor, as well as my balcony and my neighbor’s balcony, and the two apartments below at ground level. This is typical disrespect for these assholes. I’ve already called the front office to complain yet again. Found out they’re finally moving out. Hoofuckingrah! It’s about damned time, with all the complaints from various neighbors filed against those fuckwits.

So I ended up leaving the house for awhile this afternoon to go get my glasses fixed. I’d broken the bridge over three weeks ago, and have been wearing my last pair of disposable contact lenses sparingly since that time.

I was successful in getting the glasses fixed and was overjoyed at this, but for some reason, I felt the need to cry all the way home in a fit of depression. I got home, parked the car, and thought to myself, “that was your good luck for the day, but don’t push it further - just go upstairs.”

On the way in, however, I checked the mailbox and found that I’d gotten a letter today from the unemployment office’s Ajudication Center, stating that I’m slated for a phone interview on April 5th to discuss why I “did not provide the information required” to file my latest claim. Furthermore, the letter states in bold that the unemployment benefits cannot be paid until I am determined eligible and my continued claim form is received.

There’s no reason for this. I’d already gone through identity verification and missed a month of pay in the beginning of the claim as a result. I’d provided them everything they needed to know, and I’ve been receiving my checks for three weeks, now. Why now would I get this sort of letter???

Ended up going to a bar last night with a friend. Had a couple of drinks, did a little dancing. Came home late.

Got up this morning in the most foul of moods. I blame my consumption of alcohol for making my depression worse. No, I’ll never learn.

As a result of my oh-so-foul mood, I guess it’s self-fulfilling prophesy that I lock myself in the house today, as I’d promised back on March 10th that I’d do.

When I got up this morning, I read today’s horoscope, which sealed it for me:

zeptember’s Daily Virgo Forecast (from astrology.com) - If you feel combative today, separate yourself from people who push your buttons.

Yes. Combative is the word for it. I think I’ll put it to good use and clean the hell out of the apartment today, instead of looking for a job or trying to figure out my life.

I am depressed again. Today’s trigger was accidentally missing my massage appointment. My masseuse called to ask what was up, and that’s how I realised I was late. I rescheduled with her, but I realised that my forgetfulness caused her to lose a slot today. She’ll be short one job today and that will affect her pay.

The things we do affects those around us. I am responsible for her failing to make her financial goal today.

This led me to examine my life in the past 12 months:

My attitude problem at my last job led to the anxiety of two of my managers in how to deal with me while they were fighting for their own job security.
My attitude problem because of all the bullshit at that company led to the decision on their part not to renew my contract.

I could have worked diligently, knowing they’d not keep me past the one year mark with all the change going on. I could have been let go peacefully on March 1st. But no, I protested the bullshit going on at work. I goaded some of my fellow co-workers to my level of angst. I mouthed off to my boss’ boss on NYE when we were being kept late, when clearly there was no work to do.

I’m also over-analysing how the interview with Oakland Unified School District went. I keep thinking of things I said wrong, things I didn’t think of or wrong areas I focused on. The FOAD letter last Thursday still stings a lot.

I reflected on my decision after last Thursday’s rejection to forge ahead and try to write or finish a book for once (been writing since I was a teen), and/or start my path to small business, doing the genealogy thing.
Well, researching those two options today showed me that I’m not prepared to undertake AND finish either in four months before the unemployment money runs out.

Therefore, I’m setting myself up for failure AGAIN.

If I can’t emotionally handle dotcom work anymore, and my bachelor’s degree is no good for me anymore because it’s been 11 years, then what do I have left? What good am I? Do I just lower my head and find a retail job somewhere?
Do I go back to school and become a career student, wracking up debt like a Good American?

What good am I? What do I want to do with my life? I’m going to be 35 this year and I’ve not MADE a career path for myself. I’ve never funded a retirement account for myself.

After all this thought, I poured a glass of Glenfiddich, and now I’m listening to Tension - Black Snake Moan on repeat.

And…screw it. More booze.

Oh. And Pluto goes retrograde tomorrow. Did I mention that?

It’s all clear to me. More booze.

In further experimental development of this website, I’ve made use of some more software goodies and added a gallery.

Please to be checking it out, and let me know what you think.

I spent most of last week volunteering my time to feed actors!

My friend Jason has been helping to make a horror film - he designs sets and I think he is a producer, too. He’s always had his sister and his mom come volunteer with catering when he’s involved in film making, but his mom couldn’t be there this time, so he rang me, since I’m not working currently (i.e. I have the time).

It was an exhausting but awesome week!

The movie has quite a cast! I got to meet Michael Berryman and Ruth Buzzi! They are SO NICE!! I also met a model/actress named Farah (Fath?), and she’s super nice too, but uhh, I’d not known who she was beforehand.

I got to see Michael Dorn, Christopher Knight and Kevin McCarthy, but they were thoroughly unapproachable. I saw other actors, too, but I dunno WHO they were by sight.

Oh! And there’s also a special effects guy named Jared Guenther, who I readily adopted because he’s so damned cool, too. I’m gonna hafta order one of his fetuses in a jar!

Here’s all the pix I took! (except for the last two, which are from Jayme’s camera).

Enjoy.

Courtesy wunderground.com:

Today
Widespread showers and isolated thunderstorms. Some thunderstorms may produce small hail. Highs in the lower 50s to mid 60s. Southwest winds 5 to 15 mph.

So uhh, my friend and I decided we’re going back to bed. It’s not a race we signed on for, it was supposed to be a fun bicycle day. Bicycling in rain and hail is not fun, and to paraphrase my friend, “clipless shoes have metal on the bottom, so in a thunderstorm, you can’t put your foot on the ground when coming to a stop on your bike, otherwise you are electrically conductible”. Uhhh, not fun.

So although we’d paid our money to be in the Cinderella Ride today, we’re not gonna go. My friend does this ride every year and says in years with rain, there’s very low turnout, so they’ll expect the loss of riders today.
Sorry for all the food prep that will go to waste - I understand the disappointment after working food prep for a film crew all week (again, more on that in a later post). But we’re not gonna ride in rain and hail, sorry!

Good night.

9:57pm Edit: Curiosity got the best of my friend and me, so just after noon, we drove over to the Cinderella site to see how bad the weather was. California has microclimates so although it was currently sunny at home in Alameda, we knew the previous storm had headed East towards the ride site, and we were right. When we got there, it was really windy and the rain was intermittent. We’d heard that the riders really did experience hail in the morning. I was glad I hadn’t bothered, because I knew I wouldn’t have lasted the first hour. Last time I did this ride, it was back in 2002, and it was warm and sunny. I finished all 65 miles back then, but I’m a total wuss in the rain and wind. Still, the excitement of the hardcore riders already coming in at the finish line was quite contagious, and we left feeling very cheery ourselves, and we expressed how proud we are of all these girls and women who had the guts to come out and DO the ride in the rain. I smiled at every one of them as we passed.

No hangover this morning, thank Eris.

The stress between being social on the movie site, as well as the stress of being rejected for a job have both led to my shoulder/neck wanting to ‘go out’ on me again. If that happens, it will be the third time in the past 12 months that my back has gone out (Last November, then February this year being the other two times).
I’ve been taking soma (a muscle relaxer) at night to counteract this, and have placed a call in to my masseuse.

Regarding the ‘being social on the movie site’ causing stress - I have social anxiety - so I force myself to socialise. I’m good at it outwardly, but inwardly I’m in a constant state of panic, which tenses my muscles, especially in my neck and shoulders.
I wonder too if this is part of having TMJ, and does it ever go away for good? I wore a jaw splint for a year after the car accident in ‘94, but trained myself not to clench my jaw. However, since January, I’ve caught myself clenching my jaw again a lot.

To add insult to injury in opening bad news mail last night, I got my state tax return. However, it was for half of what I thought it would be, due to a math error on my end, they say. I’ll be double-checking that.

And then very early this morning, I had a nightmare that while the family was gathering at Grandma & Grandpa’s house* for a holiday (seemed like Easter), there was an earthquake that lasted 24 seconds (I distinctly counted the seconds in my dream). I’d been across the street in the daycare, taking care of my cousins, while the older cousins and adults all assembled in the house. I don’t recall much damage to my grandparents’ home in the dream, but I got the impression that the roads had definitely buckled and that there was damage in other parts of town.

This is not good. I hate dreaming of earthquakes.

*In reality, both of my grandparents no longer live in the house I dreamed about, which is in Detroit. And both of my grandparents have long since passed on. And although we gathered in the 1980’s for all major holidays at Grandpa & Grandma’s house, there never was a daycare across the street, or any house for that matter, wherein I took care of the younger cousins.

“Thank you for interviewing to teach in the Oakland Unified School District through the Teaching Fellows Program. We greatly appreciate the time and energy you devoted to this effort. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you a position at this time….”

I bawled. I’m devastated. What went wrong?

“Due to the volume of applications, we are unable to re-evaluate or provide individualized feedback”.

This means that I cannot ask them what the sticking point was in my interview, or if there was a problem with my background check.

The rejection is overwhelming right now, but yet, in my mind, I know I need to get back to work tomorrow helping a friend out with a movie that’s being made in the East Bay (more on that in a later post).

I know too that the next step for me is to either write a book and/or try to get a loan to open my genealogy research business. I have four months in which to do this, before the unemployment money runs out.

But right now, I’m drinking heavily.